The Better Plan . .

January 21, 2015 9 Comments

Unpublished Glasser Article on Pain

The problem of undiagnosed pain received a lot of Glasser’s attention during his career. Today’s blog is a short article he wrote on the subject of pain that, as far as I know, was never published. He wrote it shortly after the Warning book was published, and refers to it several times, yet in between he offers important advice for those suffering with chronic pain. And it’s always good to hear his voice once again as you read.

Glasser writing at home. (Photo by Jim Roy)

The Choice Theory Approach to Pain that Has No Known Medical Cause
by William Glasser, M.D.

I explain in the book, Warning: Psychiatry Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, how readers can learn to improve their own mental health and rid themselves of the pain, both physical and emotional, which is one of the symptoms of unhappiness. I point out that the most important component of mental health is learning to get along well with all the important people in your life but, for the sufferers of chronic pain, it may be even more important for you to make an effort to accept yourself and not to ask more from yourself than deep down you want to give. As much as you try, you may not be able to be the perfect version of yourself that you want to be.

If you are mentally healthy, you tend not only to accept that the people around you are not perfect but, even more important, you aren’t either. Mostly you are happy and if you have a bad time for a while, you accept that there are many things that come and go in your life that you can’t control. There are always going to be days when it rains on your parade.

If you can learn to live your life this way, you will rarely suffer from the pain, fatigue and weakness that plague millions of people who believe they are happy and well-adjusted but tend to want more from themselves and others than it is possible to get. For these competent people and the physicians who treat them and get to know them, the cause of their pain is a medical mystery. Many more women suffer from pain without a cause because in our culture women tend to ask much more of themselves than men. And are more likely to go unappreciated for what they do. Yet, they continue to strive to be the perfect wife, mother, house keeper, gourmet cook, corporate executive, wage earner, and budget wizard.

Almost all of these sufferers claim if they could get relief from their pain they would be happy. They strongly reject the idea that there is a connection between what they are choosing to believe and do and their physical pain. I don’t blame these competent women for rejecting this connection when everything they are trying to do tells them otherwise.

Because they are competent, I suggest that they continue to do all they can to help themselves along with anything their doctor suggests. All I recommend is that they read my Warning book and from what they read learn to put a way of behaving that I call choice theory to work in their lives. Choice theory is easy to learn, sensible and costs no money to practice. Also, there is no risk or downside to using choice theory. Accepting yourself and getting along better with the people in your life cannot possibly do you or them any harm.

As I explain in the book, all I ask is that you be willing to make a sustained effort to take a good look at how much you are demanding from yourself and others. Think of all the days that you have said to yourself, “If only there were more hours in the day.” Think of all the times you have thought why do I have to do so much and “they” so little, whoever they may be.

“I can only control myself.” William Glasser

When you become willing to take a less demanding look at your life, you will discover the major wisdom of choice theory, which is I can only control myself. I can choose to continue to live my life as I have lived it or I can choose to change. Your pain is not because you lack adequacy, it is because you have burdened yourself with expectations of too much adequacy.

But as easy as this is for me to say, a super competent sufferer is rarely willing to change. You continue to focus on the pain instead of the things that need to be changed. This focus may stand directly in the way of your becoming pain free.

“Your pain is not because you lack adequacy, it is because you have burdened yourself with expectations of too much adequacy.” William Glasser

The first thing that choice theory teaches is that you are not imagining what you are feeling. Your pain is not only real, it is far worse than any pain you might suffer from an injury or a diagnosable disease. That pain heals, yours lasts or gets worse. Genetically we are proud creatures. We hate to admit that anything may be wrong with how we are choosing to live our lives when all our choices seem so important. Many people would rather suffer the pain than admit that they may be part of the problem.

Read the book and find out about your quality world and how only you can change it plus a whole host of suggestions on how to lead a satisfying, choice theory life. You can do this by yourself but if you are lucky enough to be part of a Choice Theory Focus Group you will get a lot of support. If you can become as competent at using choice theory in your life as you are dedicated to everything else, you are well on your way.

Bill, at home, ready to visit about whatever is on your mind. (Photo by Jim Roy)

==========

I have started reading the book I talked about in an earlier blog, Back in Control: A Spine Surgeon’s Road Map Out of Chronic Pain, and I am excited about the profound similarities between Dr. Glasser’s and Dr. Hanscom’s views. The link to the previous blog is below. If you are dealing with chronic pain I encourage you to check out Back in Control.

A Spine Surgeon’s Road Map Out of Chronic Pain

=============

Get a digital version of the Glasser biography at Zeig, Tucker & Thiesen Publishing. Just click here.

Now priced at $18.49 on Amazon.

January 19, 2015 4 Comments

I’ll Have Some Grateful

Jim Roy

It’s interesting how when we become interested in a new product, say a certain model of car, that we seem to continually notice that specific car whenever and wherever we go. Thinking about getting an eco-friendly Prius? Suddenly you’re seeing a lot of Prius cars.

This is how it has been for me and the idea of gratefulness. This is a topic I have been giving attention to in my own life, and in a similar fashion I am seeing a lot of articles and books on this topic, whether on the Internet, in magazines and journals, or in bookstores. Gratefulness, the articles are saying, can go a long way towards being happy and ultimately being mentally healthy.

Scripture affirms the benefits of gratefulness and, along with the concept of Total Behavior, reminds us that gratefulness and being thankful is something we choose and consciously nurture. It’s wonderful to feel gratefulness, to experience a wave of gratitude that brings with it a sense of peace and contentment, but feelings can be fickle, a momentary rush that quickly passes. Gratefulness, it would appear, is more about a decision we make than a feeling we experience.

This is where Scripture and Total Behavior can really help us.

Total Behavior (to quickly review) is based on the idea that all our behavior is purposeful, that we are constantly behaving to meet our needs, and that every behavior is always made up of four parts – the action part, the thinking part, the feeling part, and the physiology part. Glasser states that while every behavior is made up of the four parts, only two of the parts – our thinking and our acting – are under our direct control. Our feelings (emotions) and our physiology (i.e. – heart rate, eye dilation, breathing, etc.) reflect and/or come into line with our thinking and acting, but we cannot control them directly. Total Behavior is often compared to a diagram of a car, with the front wheels (those that we directly steer) representing thinking and acting, and the back wheels representing feelings and physiology. Because of this reality, choice theory reminds us to focus on the front two tires – thinking and acting – as much as possible. It is empowering to realize that you can directly control or influence your thought patterns.

The tires on a car are used to represent the four parts of total behavior.

It is tempting, and maybe even appealing, to choose misery. (Misery might be the exact opposite of being grateful.) Our thought patterns become scripts of how someone else has mistreated us, which then prompt us to “write” imaginary conversations that defend our hurt and direct the blame toward someone else. We wallow in our resentment and become ever more convinced that we deserve to feel unhappy. It’s like we are in a cocoon of our own making, wrapping the blankets around us more thickly and tightly with each passing moment. It can be hard to believe that we choose our misery, but, if we think that feeling miserable is our least painful option at that moment, we do.

Bible writers like David and Paul want us to choose gratefulness, to nurture its presence in our lives, and to recognize it as a decision more than an emotion.

This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it. Ps. 118:24

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again – rejoice!
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. Philippians 4:4,6,7

Some make the mistake of waiting to feel grateful – part of the total behavior we don’t directly control – rather than choosing to be grateful. We wait for gratefulness to come to us, instead of intentionally claiming it. Life on a free will planet is so much about choices. I think God wants us to use our choice power to freely choose Him, to choose to have faith, to claim thankfulness, to forgive others, and to love liberally. Choice theory acknowledges our need for love, power, freedom, joy, and purpose, which are needs that God not only acknowledges, He created us with these needs in the first place. I encourage you to choose gratefulness today!

====================

Thinking of Martin Luther King today and the principles for which he stood. His courage was pretty incredible! Click on the I Have a Dream link to listen to or read the famous speech he gave in 1963.

I Have a Dream

Martin-Luther-King-Jr-Quotes-1008-640x433

===================

Now priced at $18.49 on Amazon.

January 15, 2015 No comments

Serial

Jim Roy

I finished listening to the 12^th and final episode of Serial last Sunday. Up until this past weekend, I was patiently getting through the podcasts, often waiting for a long drive in the car to listen to the next episode. But I started to see articles on the Internet about the podcast, many of them with potential spoilers, so I decided to get on with it and listen to them all for myself.

Adnan Syed as a high school senior.

Serial is a story told in 12 segments, 12 audio podcasts about the murder of high school student, Hae Min Lee, in suburban Baltimore in 1999. Adnan Syed, a high school student himself at the time and a former boyfriend of Hae Min, was ultimately convicted of the murder and has been in prison ever since.

Serial, in a remarkably simple format, reviews the details of the story, including interviews of friends, teachers, family, jury members, and Adnan himself, transcripts from police interviews and court sessions, and evidence presented during the trial. Although the evidence was seemingly shaky the prosecutor was able to convince the jury to convict Adnan. Serial listeners, over the course of the 12 podcasts, are given the evidence to decide for themselves.

Sarah Koenig, narrator and executive producer of the Serial podcast.

One of the areas that comes into question during the podcast is whether or not Adnan’s defense attorney, Cristina Guttierrez, did an adequate job of defending him and presenting his side of the story effectively. The narrator appropriately wonders why certain individuals essential to Adnan’s alibi were not contacted, and why cell phone tower data was not scrutinized more carefully. These are just two examples of Guttierrez’s mistakes.

Defense mistakes like these examples were bad for Adnan, but even worse than this strategic ineptness was the courtroom demeanor of Ms. Guttierrez. The Serial narrator, Sarah Koenig, characterized Gutierrez’s demeanor as aggressive, but I don’t think aggressive fully captures how she came across. During Episode 10 – The Best Defense Is a Good Defense – listeners hear actual recordings from the trial of Gutierrez grilling a key prosecution witness and then later making a procedural point with the judge. Her approach is a mixture of anger, disgust, and incredulity, all dripping with sarcasm, condescension, and arrogance. Her diatribes, long and passionate, were intended to bring the courtroom to her view of things, but they had the opposite effect on me.

Cristina Guttierrez, defense attorney for Adnan Syed. She was disbarred a year after the trial.

Her approach was very off-putting and I wonder if her behavior had the same effect on the jury. The way she came across was so condescending that I could see myself (had I been on the jury) wanting the exact opposite of whatever it was that she wanted. Her passionate speeches emphasized her emotions, rather than substance. She made it look like the facts that favored her client were so weak that she needed to blow people away with her anger.

We may not be an attorney, but those of us who are a parent or a teacher know that our demeanor matters, too. Within the realm of choice theory this is why relationships and the Caring Habits are so important. When we use a Deadly Habit (e.g. – criticizing, blaming, threatening, etc.) to try and manipulate the behavior of others our demeanor alone can push people in the opposite direction from what we want. And the relationship is hurt in the process.

There can be a lot of influence and power in a calm, reasonable, and firm demeanor. We can “plant a flag” and uphold a rule without getting angry and sarcastic. In fact, the minute we get angry it takes away from that power. I think choice theory provides us with tools to minimize the number of our battles and the nature of our battles. There is nothing in choice theory that prevents us from taking a stand on an issue or that prevents us from confronting a student behavior that needs to change. To a significant degree, the challenge lies in staying calm and reasonable and connected.

As long as you are connected, you have influence.

Yes, connected. In regard to parents and children, or teachers and students, or even supervisors and employees, many times I heard Glasser say, “As long as you are connected, you have influence.” I think Cristina Gutierrez lost the connection, through her bombastic sarcasm and anger, with the jury, which led to her losing any shred of influence. Ultimately I think it led to her losing the case and sending a man to prison for life.

If you haven’t listened to Serial, you should. It’s that good. And it’s free.

=============

Read any good books lately? May I suggest a very interesting biography.

Now priced at $18.49 on Amazon.

Click here to quickly order the biography on Amazon.

Click here to access a digital version of the biography.

Email me at jimroyglasserbio@gmail.com for a signed copy of the biography.

January 9, 2015 7 Comments

Freedom Calls Us to a Higher Standard

Jim Roy

Why do external enforcers like threats and punishments not work as well as an internal control environment based on freedom? Maybe some insights from sixth graders can help shed light on the topic.

“It’s weird, I know, but that’s how things work. My old teacher was big into control, lots of threatening and punishing. Probably more threatening, but it was pretty constant. Names on the board, calling parents, staying in from recess, and not being allowed to go on field trips. We saw it all. Then a different teacher comes in and changes things. We have rules and all, don’t think we don’t, but it’s different. For one thing, the classroom doesn’t feel like a Zap You kind of place. If you mess up, you need to take responsibility for what you did and deal with the situation. The new teacher actually helps you deal with the situation, too, if you want him to.   Ryan

Before you didn’t feel trusted. You always felt like you were bad somehow, even when you weren’t being bad. Sometimes I acted kind of bad because I felt like, whatever, I’m bad so I might as well act like it. Now I feel like we are trusted more, and it’s like, if I’m trusted I don’t want to break that trust. Do you know what I mean?   Lauren

It was like a competition. You’d come to school kind of wondering   . . . well, like . . . I knew what the teacher wanted and expected from me, but he made such a big deal of forcing me to be that way that I wanted to do the opposite. I wasn’t like that in the lower grades, but I turned out that way in the sixth grade.   Tyler

We all feel freer. Our new teacher wants us to enjoy school. He really does. He doesn’t let us get away with stuff, but we really don’t want to get away with stuff like before anyway. Before it felt like school was kind of a fight every day; the new guy just took the fight out of it. Before I dreamed up ways to cause a little ruckus, now I don’t do that.   Taylor

I like how Desire of Ages (1898) says that “Our little world is the lesson book of the universe.” (p.19) Said another way – we are God’s classroom. And apparently he has had to make the same kind of decisions in his classroom that we make in ours. Hmm . . . force or freedom? In his letter to the believers in Rome, Paul explained that we “no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, we live under the freedom of God’s grace.” (Rom. 6:14) As we study God’s classroom management plan two words become more and more important – love and choice.

Just prior to the birth of Jesus, Desire of Ages describes how –

The earth was dark through misapprehension of God. That the gloomy shadows might be lightened, that the world might be brought back to God, Satan’s deceptive power was to be broken. This could not be done by force. The exercise of force is contrary to the principles of God’s government; He desires only the service of love; and love cannot be commanded; it cannot be won by force or authority. Only by love is love awakened. (p.22)

God created us with the power of choice and He places incredible value on our freedom. One of the reasons I am drawn to the concepts of choice theory is that it provides me with a psychological framework that complements my view of God, and further helps me to include freedom and grace at home and at school. I want to do what works and freedom and choice do that – they work.

==================

decorator-accessories-m_f-welcome-sign-17394001

I want to welcome teachers from the Upper Columbia Conference who are now following The Better Plan blog. I hope you will feel free to add to our conversations about non-coercive living. I have very good memories from my time as one of the superintendents in Upper Columbia. Thank you, Sharon Searson, for letting teachers know about The Better Plan.

===================

Click here to access Soul Shapers on Amazon – new copies are going for around $12; used copies for around $4. Contact me at thebetterplan@gmail.com for a signed copy.

January 5, 2015 1 Comment

The Wild Truth

Jim Roy

9780062325143_custom-36ca5232e1922fbc7dc1ecdce267c506fd680e75-s99-c85

A couple of days after posting a blog (posted Dec. 20, 2014) based on the book, Into the Wild (1996) by Jon Krakauer, I received a response from Tim Shey, a blogger in his own right, who informed me that a new book on the life of Chris McCandless, The Wild Truth (2014) had just recently been published.

Carine McCandless

Chris McCandless was the young man featured in Into the Wild, a compelling book that documented his quest for truth and personal freedom, a journey that ultimately ended with his death in the Alaskan wilderness. The new book, The Wild Truth, is written by Chris’s sister, Carine McCandless, and is important because she describes the dysfunctional behavior of her parents that led to Chris disappearing and pursuing his quest. Carine holds nothing back as she reveals the selfish, manipulative, and violent behavior that regularly took place in her home. I am amazed at her courage in sharing the details of her own life, which included her admitting her own ineffective behaviors.

Carine, Billie, Walt, and Chris McCandless

Throughout the book, though, there is a tone of love and a consistent desire for forgiveness and reconciliation. I don’t know how much to say here, as I don’t want to spoil the book for those of you who are as fascinated with this family’s story as I am. Suffice it to say that The Wild Truth fills in holes that Into the Wild didn’t address.

Carine actually asked Krakauer not to share details regarding her parents’ behavior and the dynamics in their home, which Krakauer honored, but it left us guessing as to what really went on between these parents and their two children. After her brother’s death, and as Krakauer was writing the manuscript for Into the Wild, Carine still hoped her parents would “get it,” that they would understand the effects of their behavior on Chris, and would see their role in his disappearance. The Wild Truth shares what Carine asked Krakauer not to share, and as painful as the story is, it depicts important lessons for all of us.

Jon Krakauer and Carine McCandless

There was so much control and dishonesty constantly present in this home and Chris McCandless didn’t want to be around it anymore. Carine McCandless wanted us to understand that Chris’s journey wasn’t just about independence, freedom, and truth. He admired each of those qualities, but to understand Chris you have to recognize his desire to separate himself from toxic external control. If you think I am going overboard by using the word toxic, read the book.

Chris ultimately became free of the toxic control when he died in the bus in Alaska. He faced tough challenges during his self-imposed exile, especially during the last 100 days of his life in an isolated wilderness, but I actually think that Carine’s journey has been even more challenging. Chris left this planet much too early. In his effort to get away from the toxicity, he paid with his life. The toxicity can no longer reach him, though. Carine, on the other hand, lived on and has had to deal with more than her fair share of challenges – her parents’ dysfunctional behavior, the loss of her brother, and her own failed relationships, to name a few. Hitting the road on your own (as Chris did) can be tough; hanging in there at home and trying to be there for others, even as your life seems to be getting harder and harder, is tougher.

If you have read Into the Wild, you need to now read The Wild Truth. If you haven’t read either book, plan on reading both.

======================

Now priced at $18.01 on Amazon. (Lowest its been for a long time.)

Click here to get your copy of William Glasser: Champion of Choice.

For a signed copy get in touch with me at jimroyglasserbio@gmail.com.

======================

@thebetterplan

Follow us on Twitter @thebetterplan for blog updates and quick choice theory insights. I mean, you can’t have too much choice theory insight.

January 1, 2015 2 Comments

So Long, 2014! Hello, 2015!

Jim Roy

It’s interesting the effect that January 1 can have on so many of us. Apparently, there is something about starting over that appeals deeply to us. The beginning of a new year can feel like an opportunity for a new beginning in our lives. Like a lot of you I certainly have some “new beginnings” in mind for myself.

A case could be made for January 1 being celebrated as Choice Theory Day. Maybe more than any other day of the year, January 1 represents the “kick off day” for putting into practice the quality world pictures that we believe captures the best version of ourselves. January 1 represents our ability to choose to embrace a new, better us. We take an inventory of ourselves, especially in October, November, and December, and we come up short. We recognize we aren’t making good choices and thank goodness January 1 is just around the corner so we change things for the better. I say let’s do it! Let’s pursue the best versions of ourselves!

==============

The Better Plan blog has completed its second year of sharing choice theory posts and the following data may be of interest to you.

The blog was viewed 18,000 times during 2014. (Compared to 8,000 views in 2013)

The busiest day of the year was November 19 with 161 views. The most popular post that day was entitled Stamina. (The Stamina post was about a classroom I visited during a NapaLearns board meeting. NapaLearns shared the post with their peeps and it led to more views.)

There were 90 new posts during the year, contributing to the 174 total posts in the archives.

And followers contributed 532 comments responding to the posts. (Compared to 371 in 2013)

The day I posted on most frequently was Saturday (hmm . . .) with 18 posts.

The five posts that got the most views in 2014 were –

#5 – Linda, Gone Too Soon on April 8

Linda Harshman and Jim Roy, both attending the 2005 Glasser International Conference in Dublin, Ireland.

#4 – GREAT DREAM – Acronym for Happiness on March 9

#3 – 25 Ways to Ask Your Kids “How was school today?” – on September 1

#2 – Stamina on November 19

The remarkable reading data chart.

And at #1 – 7 Cardinal Rules for Life on January 21

Some posts (like the 7 Cardinal Rules) continue to be discovered and read long after the date they first are posted. I am not sure if search engines lock onto an effective tag associated with the post or if people are looking through the Year in a Glance archives and locking onto a catchy title.

Top referring sites include Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. I thought I was hooked into Google and general search engines, too, but maybe I’m not. I’ve got to look at that.

People from 138 different countries read posts from The Better Plan blog during 2014, although most readers were from the United States, Australia, and Canada.

The most commented on post was Essential Elements in a Classroom Management Class? which appeared on September 6. This was excellent because I gave an assignment to my class that connected them with the insights that so many of you shared. Very cool!

As of December 31, 2014, the blog has 300 followers. (Compared to 189 followers at the end of 2013)

=================

December 31 is also significant in that the publisher tallies the number of Glasser biographies, both paper and electronic, that have been sold. I don’t know what that number is as I write this, but I assume I will soon learn how well or how poorly the biography has done. To those of you who have purchased the book and have shared supportive comments with me, and to those who have uploaded reviews of the biography on Amazon — Thank You! Hopefully, the word will continue to get out there regarding the existence of the biography, with the result being even more people learning about William Glasser and his life-changing ideas.

Now priced at $18.50 on Amazon.

December 28, 2014 1 Comment

A Violin, a Music Teacher, and Punished by Rewards

Jim Roy

A teaching credential candidate at Pacific Union College recently shared an article with me that she felt certain reflected the principles of choice theory. She posted it on Facebook and I shared it with my friends on Facebook, too. A number of my Facebook friends, who are choice theory instructors, affirmed the importance of the article. So I figured I should pass on the article to you as well. Click on the following link to access the article –

Bribery Should Not Be Used as Motivation to Practice

Thank you, Laura Helms, for drawing our attention to this helpful article. This is not the first time Laura has contributed to The Better Plan. I included a paper she submitted on Choice Theory and Classroom Management in the post for December 16, 2013, entitled Glasser Biography Is Published! (kind of).

=====================

It’s easy to get an electronic copy of the Glasser biography for your iPad or Kindle and it is only $10. Click here to get your copy –

William Glasser: Champion of Choice (eBook)

Now priced at $18.50 on Amazon.

December 26, 2014 2 Comments

The Holidays Require All of Our Choice Theory Superpowers

Jim Roy

The S actually stands for Self-Control.

Even though the Holidays are supposed to be . . . well . . . the Holidays, many of us struggle to get through them with our mental health intact. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s are supposed to be joyous, need-fulfilling occasions, right? So what’s with the pain and dysfunction?

The Holidays can be joyous and warm and need-fulfilling, however they can also accentuate things that are emotionally or physically painful for us. For instance –

+ the loss of loved ones is more keenly felt;
+ family estrangements show up in stark relief;
+ dysfunctional behavior often comes out during family reunions;
+ we sense our own aloneness more;
+ illnesses and physical disabilities tempt us toward deeper discouragement; and
+ we experience financial stress from pressure to buy presents or travel.

Like a superhero, choice theory can help us stay in the driver’s seat when it comes to our thinking and our emotions. Consider some of the superpower elements of choice theory –

+ We can directly control our thinking.
Amazing, really! Choice theorists learn to recognize when negative or destructive thoughts intrude on their consciousness and choose to reject them and to think about something that is happier and more productive.

It is Christmas eve morning and Jill feels weighed down emotionally. After waking up she lies in bed and just gets sadder and sadder over the passing of her mother nine months earlier. She started having thoughts of staying in bed, and maybe even not going to the party that evening that she had been looking forward to. The thought flitted across her mind that she was starting her own pity party right then for some reason and she decided to nip it in the bud. “I do miss my mother terribly, but staying in bed and feeling bad about it isn’t going to help. I’ve got stuff to do today and I want to go the party tonight.” She swings her legs out from under the covers and puts her feet on the floor, ready to take one step at a time. “Hmm . . . should I get in the shower or start the coffee?”

xinstallation-landing-page-banner.jpg.pagespeed.ic.xZuai7LHhy

+ We set the thermostat for our personal lives.
We place very specific pictures in the quality world photo albums in our heads and then we try to make those pictures come to life. One of the premier superpowers of choice theory is recognizing the importance of these pictures and then being able to manage them well. The photo album is very much like a thermostat in that in both cases we intentionally and strategically set the course of our lives.

Geoff really doesn’t want to put up Christmas lights on the house. He usually does it by himself, it’s cold, and it takes a lot of time. As a result he comes up with a lot of reasons not to put up the lights – “I don’t even know where the lights are stored” or “I am really jammed for time this year” or “I don’t want to put lights up when so many people are hurting in the world.” Monica, his wife, really likes it when the house has Christmas lights and she comes up with reasons to make that happen – “the lights are in the garage” and “we’ll be the only house without lights” and “it means so much to the kids.” They remained entrenched in their QW pictures until Geoff pointed out that he felt overwhelmed adding Christmas lights to his To Do List and Monica responded that she understood and offered to help him with the project. They actually had fun together getting it done.

+ Our feelings do not need to control us.
Feelings, be they helpful or not, are a part of our total behavior. They are aligned with our thinking and our actions, both of which are under our direct control. We may not have direct control over our feelings, but we have a great deal of control over our behavior. Our feelings can’t hijack our happiness unless we give them that power.

Carl does not want to go to his family reunion. As far as he is concerned his sisters are jerks who manipulate their parents into all kinds of bad decisions. He gets angry whenever he thinks about it. Choice theory could help Carl learn the difference between the Caring and the Deadly Habits. Instead of his feelings automatically taking him to blaming, complaining, and punishing, he could learn to accept his loved ones, flaws and all, truly listen to them, and try to negotiate with them without disconnecting.

Other choice theory superpowers include –

+ Recognizing that our personal view of reality is just that, our personal view, our interpretation of the facts as we see them.
+ Understanding that, to a very great degree, we create our reality.
+ Breaking the chains of victimhood and taking responsibility for our thinking and our behavior.

The Holidays are a special time of year that tends to intensify our emotions and our thinking. If ever there is a time of year in which choice theory is needed to help us navigate our circumstances, the Holidays are the time.

Here’s to our mental health for 2015!

happy-holidays-banner-bluehappy-holiday-banner-quotes-10t9k2jh

===============

The Glasser biography is easy (and cheaper, too, at just $10) to get for your iPad or Kindle by going to the following link –

https://www.zeigtucker.com/product/william-glasser-champion-of-choice-ebook/

Now priced at $18.50 on Amazon.

December 23, 2014 5 Comments

Good Bye for Now, Kalispell

Jim Roy

Margaret and I have been visiting our son and daughter-in-law in Kalispell, Montana, during the last week. In the process we have been reminded of what cold temperatures are like (although locals would laugh at my referring to high 20s and low 30s as cold). Our time together here has been so good, so relaxed. We headed to Spokane yesterday (the weather looked good to get over Lookout Pass) and then home today.

Jordan, Katy, Maggie, and Jim.

Kalispell sits next door to Glacier National Park and a couple of days ago we headed there to take in some of its beauty. The low clouds and snow on the ground kept us from exploring or seeing much, though. We’ll save Glacier for our next trip.

Had it been a clear, sunny day, apparently we would have had views like this.

Something we did see was an interesting place on the way to the park. Surrounding three large wooden crosses was an expansive half-circle of billboards, all proclaiming the Ten Commandments, the U.S. needing to be a God-governed place, or anti-abortion messages. The place was closed, so I am not sure about the overall goal of the place. It would seem somebody there wants to change the thinking and behavior of those who pass by. For me, the display of giant signs was a “2 x 4 up side the head” reminder of our human tendency to attempt to change the behavior of others.

I respect a person’s right to put up large signs proclaiming what they believe to be religious and moral truth, even as I think the signs do much more harm than good. People aren’t drawn to God through “sledgehammer” signs, civil legislation, or threats of impending punishment. Jesus understood the human mind and heart and from the upper room Sinai proclaimed –

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. John 13:34, 35

Thinking that we are supposed to change the beliefs and behaviors of others creates a lot of pressure and tension within us. It is a huge burden to be the conscience and judge of others. Ever desiring our good, Jesus lifts that burden from us and reminds us that the Holy Spirit is an expert at the kind of conviction and convincing that leads to change.

But in fact, it is best for you that I go away, because if I don’t, the Advocate won’t come. If I do go away, then I will send him to you. And when he comes, he will convict the world of its sin, and of God’s righteousness, and of the coming judgment. John 16:7, 8

The Holy Spirit will do the convicting. We have been freed from that role. If we want to “change” others there is really only one way, and that is to truly love them, without strings, without demands, without agenda. Christianity has somehow become something Jesus never intended. Christianity isn’t about power or even about being “right.” It is about love and unity.

I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one – as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me. John 17:20, 21

God is about relationships. Always has been. Choice theory is about relationships. Always has been. He created us to be in harmony with others, indeed, to love one another. In God’s words there is no stronger example of His way of being.

===============

Get the Glasser biography easily and quickly –

Get signed copies from the author at jimroyglasserbio@gmail.com.

Now priced at $18.50 on Amazon.

December 20, 2014 5 Comments

Into the Wild

Jim Roy

Recently I observed a student teacher as she taught her high school English class and I found myself captivated by the discussion through which she was leading her students. The class had read Into the Wild, the story of a young man, Chris McCandless, who was on a journey to experience nature in its rawest form. The discussion covered everything from his desire to get away from it all to the relationship he had with his parents. I had heard of the story and knew about the basic premise (it was also made into a movie), but I hadn’t read the book for myself. I got so caught up in this high school discussion, though, that as I sat there I got on iTunes and bought an electronic copy of the book for myself.

Chris Mccandleuss high school yearbook picture

The author of the book, Jon Krakauer, is a very good writer and, based on journal entries, letters, interviews with family and close friends, and interviews with people who befriended Chris, was able retell the story in amazing detail. Chris graduated from Emory University in 1990 and soon thereafter dropped out of sight and hit the road. He wanted none of the trappings of his well-to-do home and before setting on his adventures in the West, donated $24,000 from his own savings account to a non-profit dedicated to fighting hunger. He wasn’t a recluse per se, yet he was committed to experiencing nature in its purest form with as little in the way of supplies as possible. Besides little in the way of supplies, he was also alone. Whether in the desert, by the ocean, or in the wilderness, he was by himself. In between his alone times he got odd jobs in various communities and made connections with some of the locals. He got close (at least close for him) to a family in North Dakota. Ultimately, he ended up in an Alaska wilderness where his decisions, combined with unfortunate circumstances, took his life.

Chris, in front of the bus that was his Alaska home until the end.

The story is gut wrenching to read, yet captivating at the same time. It is especially hard as a parent to read about his rejection of his dad and mom and to think of the anguish they went through during the years he was missing (traveling) and certainly when they learned that his remains had been discovered in an abandoned bus along the Stampede Trail. The book describes the poor relationship that he had with his parents, but even more than that it describes a young man with a ridiculously high need for freedom. One thing that Into the Wild does well is introduce readers to the many men, from the 1800s and 1900s, who had a similar high need for freedom. A significant number of them headed into mountains or deserts and were never heard from again. Whether they survived or not, though, their diaries consistently describe the incredible amounts of freedom and joy these men found in raw nature.

Chris’s parents, Walt and Billie McCandless.

The story of Chris McCandless is an important one for teenagers to consider. Chris stood for so much that is good in this world, yet he also embraced qualities that separated him from others and that put him in dangerous situations. Adolescents want to understand themselves and the world better, often desperately so, and I am more convinced than ever that the concepts of choice theory can help them in their quest.

Stories like Into the Wild provide an incredibly powerful platform or springboard from which to study human behavior. I saw first hand how relevant the story is to adolescents. What an opportunity to talk about the basic needs and the quality world. Questions related to choice theory might include –

What were the strength levels of each of Chris’s basic needs?
How strong was Chris’s need for freedom?
How strong was Chris’s need for safety and survival?
How about Chris’t need for love and belonging, how does that fit into his story?
Chris had pictures in his quality world that reflected his views of wealth, possessions, and the political power structure. What basic need was met by creating these pictures?

What led to Chris choosing to disappear from his parents and family?
Comment on Chris’s choice to disappear from his parents for years, keeping them in the dark about where he was and whether or not he was even alive.
Did Chris’s parents deserve the way Chris treated them?
How accurate was Chris’s perceived world when it came to his parents?
Could Chris’s parents have prevented Chris from escaping on his adventure?
In general, why do parents and teenage children seem to go through so much angst?

How did Chris’s need for love and belonging influence the story?
Did he have a really low love and belonging need or did he just suppress it while on his travels?
How could Chris be so comfortable with being alone, yet so charismatic to people he met along the way?

Chris actually tried hike out of his self-imposed refuge earlier in the summer, but a raging river of snow melt turned him around for a more extended stay. It was during this extended stay that Chris’s health took a serious turn for the worse and he died in this remote place. Krakauer discovered a book among his things in which Chris had written in the margin, “HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED.” I would like to think that this all-caps message reflected an epiphany for Chris and that he wanted to hike out so that he could re-connect with the important people in his life. But we will never know if that was true.

Chris is beyond our ability to help him now, but we can help the adolescents in our families and classrooms who are groping to understand themselves and the world around them better. Living choice theory ourselves and sharing choice theory with the teenagers in our circles of influence is an essential part of that help.

=================

A good read can be a great Christmas gift! Why not share the story of William Glasser and his life-changing ideas with someone that matters to you this holiday season? Amazon can help –

For a signed copy contact me at jimroyglasserbio@gmail.com.

Now priced at $18.13 on Amazon.

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: