Posts from the “Jim Roy posts” Category

So, There’s a New Deadly Habit

Not that we need another Deadly Habit. We have enough of them already. Still, in our effort to get what we want, and to just feel right (darnit), we are capable of coming up with some pretty interesting behaviors. Take “ghosting,” for example. Yes, it’s an actual behavior, and yes, it deserves to be included in the pantheon of Deadly Habits.

Around for centuries, ghosting was finally labeled as a social phenomena (according to one author) in 2014. In case you’re wondering about its definition, ghosting is “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.” Originally, the term was used to describe how a person in a dating relationship one moment could disappear without a word the next moment. In this scenario, a person ghosts when he or she doesn’t want to confront, negotiate, explain, or say good-bye.

It is confusing, and even painful, when you are ghosted by a friend. It is even more confusing and more painful when it happens in a church setting, as it did to Benjamin Corey and his family. In his blog*, Benjamin, a church leader and teacher, describes how he and his family were ghosted after fellow members questioned whether or not he was “truly the head over his wife.” This, along with his stance on advocating for a higher minimum wage, his stance on loving our enemies (church members saw his message as unloving toward gun owners), and his stance against bringing guns into the church.

“And then it happened. Silence. Distance. Non-existence.” Close friends, people he and his family hung out with and did things together with on weekends became invisible. His children’s close friends no longer included them. Their social and spiritual network was laid waste. The Pharisees of Jesus’ day threatened to ostracize people from the temple and all religious life if they didn’t think and behave the way the Pharisees demanded. Such a threat was taken seriously because being a part of the community meant everything, even survival. Such ostracization strategies continue today.

When a person close to us – a spouse or child or relative – doesn’t behave as we want, or when others in our life – co-workers, fellow church members, a driver on the road beside us – behave in a way that upsets us, we have a choice as to how we will respond. If we view the world through “reward and punishment’ glasses we will call on behaviors that attempt to make or force the other person to behave according to our expectations, or that at least give us a shot of brief satisfaction for expressing our anger or disgust. Reward and punishment behaviors are known, according to Choice Theory, as Deadly Habits and include behaviors like Criticizing, Blaming, Complaining, Nagging, Threatening, Punishing, and Reward to Manipulate. They are called deadly because whenever these behaviors are used they are damaging, and even deadly, to the relationship. When I was younger my go to Deadly Habit was Withdrawing, which is form of Punishing. After reading Dr. Corey’s blog I will now include Ghosting as another form of Punishing.

Fortunately, there is also a list of Caring Habits, too, which I hope would especially be present within the behaviors of a church family. Maybe Benjamin Corey not have having control over his wife and not wanting guns in the church is a deal-breaker for people within that congregation, yet isn’t it possible to talk about this difference in views and separate amicably, rather than by inflicting such pain? The church, of all places, needs to teach and model Caring Habits, which prioritize relationships, and which include Listening, Encouraging, Accepting, Supporting, Trusting, Respecting, and Negotiating Differences. We will not always agree with others, but we can choose to respond in a way that at least maintains the relationship.

(Click here to read Benjamin Corey’s article – Christian Ghosting: The Destructive Christian Practice We Don’t Talk About.)

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It is especially toxic when externally-controlling ways are combined with religious views. It adds to our authority when we claim that God thinks like us and when we claim to be doing His will, but we misrepresent Him when we try to control others. For more on this topic, check out the following links –

Stuffing God into a Box

Religion and the Only Person I Can Control

God as Coercer

Why Are So Many Christians Un-Christian?

 

 

Three Dogs and a Lady

While at the beach recently, I noticed a woman with three dogs in tow, young Australian sheep dogs, I think, beautiful animals, obviously well-cared for, each of them on a separate leash and following her very, very closely. I watched them walk in this tight formation until she stopped, bent down, and undid their leashes. It was then that something happened that was quite amazing to me. More on this in a second, but first –

On a personal note – yesterday, July 28, was special to me for several reasons:

1) After nine months of taking three chemo pills a day, yesterday I took my last three pills, at least for the foreseeable future. The doctor wants to see how my body, and specifically my bone marrow and red blood cells, will do on its own. The pills have had some side effects, so I will be glad to be free of them.

The last three pills, hopefully for a long while.

2) I went on a bike ride with my son-in-law, Sean, yesterday. He had back surgery a year ago and has been slowly re-habbing ever since. The recovery road has not been easy, with leg and foot pain or numbness exerting an on and off presence, but he works to get back to a place of well-being in every way. So finally arriving at a point where he could get back on a bike and do a 19 mile bike ride is a significant moment that I was glad to share with him. Just a couple of weeks ago I did a similar ride with my good friend, Ron, after his own back surgery kept him from riding for so many years. I am so proud of both of these guys!

Sean and me after our first ride together in a couple of years.

3) Yesterday would have been my dad’s 100th birthday. I thought about him a lot, and about my parents in general. They loved me so much and did so much for me, and yet they operated from an external control perspective. They didn’t know better and were doing the best they knew how. I wish like anything I could talk with my dad now. He passed away before either the Soul Shapers book or the Glasser biography – Champion of Choice -was published. We would have so much to talk about.

Me and my Dad (1957)

The pills, the bike ride, and my dad’s birthday all are Choice Theory moments. Choice Theory has helped me work through the whole cancer thing, including dealing with the side effects of the drugs; and it has helped Sean work through the pain and frustration of the rehab process; and it has helped me recognize the wonderful traits of my parents, rather than get bogged down in their frailties and mistakes.

Ok, enough about me.

Back to the three dogs and a lady.

The trio and their master leaving the beach.

When she undid the leashes of these high-energy dogs, they   .   .   . did nothing. One of them even looked up at her with an expression of what do you want me to do now? She walked a few steps and they stayed right on her heels. She tried to shoo them away, I assume to explore or do their thing, but they seemed uncomfortable at this possibility. She proceeded to a hilly area with trails and ice plant and shooed them away again, trying to encourage them to play a bit and experience some freedom. Eventually, they seemed to get it and began to wander from her heels, although never that far.

The dogs were well-trained, that’s for sure, and I know parents and teachers who would love to have their children and students behave in a similar manner, anxious to please, worried about wandering to far from our heels, quite ready to do whatever we request or direct. As impressed as I was the dogs level of obedience, I was also a little bit sad at their inhibition and what appeared like fear. So much energy to run around and experience the sand and water, yet they crouched while looking up at their master through furtive eyes. As I observed the dogs I recalled a passage from one of my favorite authors. She writes –

The training of children must be conducted on a different principle from that which governs the training of irrational animals. The brute has only to be accustomed to submit to its master; but the child must be taught to control himself. The will must be trained to obey the dictates of reason and conscience. A child may be so disciplined as to have, like the beast, no will of its own, his individuality being lost in that of his teacher. Such training is unwise, and its effect disastrous.

Parenting and teaching would be simpler if all we had to do was get our kids to be obedient, but fortunately it’s more complicated than that. Apparently we need to keep in mind that there is a good kind of obedience and a bad kind of obedience, and that we should pursue one while staying away from the other. I say fortunately because this quality about being human, this complication, if you will, is what makes us so incredibly special, so individually unique, and so internally controlled. If obedience alone was the end goal we would be like programmable robots, but it turns out we are not robotic at all. Thank heavens!

Speaking of heaven, I actually do believe that this special quality of being human, of being individual and internally guided, was a Creator’s plan. This design speaks to His own needs for love and belonging and for freedom. He desires to interact with intelligent beings who are free to interact with Him, creative in their own right, with opinions to which they have arrived, and able to agree, disagree, and think through things for themselves. This level of intelligence and freedom is a huge deal to Him!

The reason the bad kind of obedience is, well . . . bad, is described in the following passage –

In some schools and families, children appear to be well-trained, while under the immediate discipline, but when the system which has held them to set rules is broken up, they seem to be incapable of thinking, acting, or deciding for themselves.

Within a Choice Theory jacket, obedience can be a good thing that ultimately leads to self-management. Without Choice Theory, a focus on obedience leads to dependence and helplessness. The bad kind of obedience also leads to resentment and, most sadly, broken relationships, as internal control human beings were not designed to be under the control of another person.

Within a Choice Theory jacket, obedience can be a good thing
that ultimately leads to self-management.

Much can be said here, but you get the point. We want kids to obey, but always within the context of helping them to be self-managers. This is the challenge of parents and teachers. We want our kids to obey, but even more we want them to be free.

* The above passages can be found in the book, Fundamentals of Christian Education, pgs. 57, 58.

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Both Champion of Choice and Soul Shapers are available in hard copy or electronically.

Click here for a hard copy of Champion of Choice; click here for an electronic version. Electronic versions are available for both Kindle or iPad.

 

What to Do if Your Teen Demands More Freedom Than You’re Ready to Give

This important article recently appeared in U.S. News & World Report. It’s author, Dr. Nancy Buck, is a Choice Theory and peaceful parenting expert. I am glad she put the following ideas in writing, and that she gave The Better Plan permission to reprint it.

Are you the parent of a teen or soon-to-be teenager? If so, then you know you are in the middle of an exciting and challenging time. Most teens are ready, willing and convinced they’re able to handle more freedom with less parental involvement. In fact, this is part of normal development. Unfortunately, many parents do not feel the same way.

A parent’s job is to help children learn to manage freedom. As your child grows, his level of freedom increases, necessitating continual learning. Responsibly managing freedom doesn’t start when children become teenagers. When your child took his first step, he was already moving away from you and walking toward greater freedom. The same was true when your child started school and began participating in after-school and extracurricular activities. Now that your child has become a teen, there is more he wants to do on his own, with or without your permission or approval.

“A parent’s job is to help children learn to manage freedom.”

At the same time, unlike the baby steps of years past, your teenager is making major strides toward greater independence, and this can leave her exposed to dangers she didn’t face as a younger child.

Some parents manage their discomfort with risk by denying their children freedom. In an attempt to ease their worries, these parents oppress their children. These same parents are surprised when they discover their children have been going behind their back, lying and doings things they know their parents disapprove of. These adolescents aren’t trying to be disrespectful but rather are emerging adults acting on their greater need for freedom and power. These needs are stronger than their desire to please their parents.

The better alternative for parents is to teach teens how to meet their needs for greater independence safely, responsibly and respectfully. At the same time, parents need to learn to manage their own fears, rather than unnecessarily limiting what kids can do.

The best approach is to begin early, when your child is young. Slowly allow your child to become more independent while you teach him responsible behaviors to handle this new freedom. When parents do this for the first 12 years of their child’s life, the teenage years becomes less frightening and overwhelming for both parents and children.

However, if you aren’t sure how well you’ve done thus far, here is a process that will help you and your adolescent manage your child’s need for more freedom and your need to feel your child is safe. When your child makes a request for increased freedom and asks permission to do something he or she hasn’t done before, follow these steps:

1. Ask yourself, “Do I understand the request?” If your teen says she wants to go to a coed sleep-over party, do you really understand what that is? The first time I heard this from one of my sons I was quite convinced he was asking for permission to go to an orgy! I learned it was two consecutive parties in one night. Party one was coed. Party two, all the boys left and the girls had a sleep over. If you don’t understand exactly what your child is asking to do, find out. Even if you think you do understand, ask anyway to clarify any potential misunderstandings.

2. Consider whether your child can handle this responsibility. Does your teen have a plan for how she will manage when she discovers underage drinking at a party she’s attending? What will your child do if she is home alone with your permission and several friends want to come over uninvited? If your child is shopping at the mall with several friends, and one of them is accused of shoplifting, how will she handle it? Your job is to teach your child the responsible behaviors necessary so she has the opportunity to handle additional freedom.

3. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” It’s reasonable to ask your child to help you overcome your fear. Remember how you helped your child overcome his fear of the monsters in his closet? Now you’re asking your child to help you overcome your fear of careless drinking and driving or other risky behaviors. Asking your child to pledge he won’t drink or ride with someone who has been drinking, for instance, is a reasonable reassurance to expect when granting him permission to go to a party.

“Now you’re asking your child to help you overcome your fear .  .  .”

Ultimately you may withhold your permission because of your own fear. Doing this 1 time out of 10 is understandable. Doing this 9 times out of 10 is oppression and probably will result in your child disobeying, sneaking out and realizing his freedom without your permission and support. If you say no and stop at this step, make a plan with your child for how long you will withhold permission for his requested expanded freedom. If what your child wants to do is illegal, like illicit drugs, you can explain that you will never give permission. The criteria is that the request is legal and can be handled responsibly by your child.

4. Give your child permission. Say yes. Now you know what your child is going to do. You know your child is able to handle herself and the situation. There is no reason not to give your child permission.

5. Make a plan for how you will work together if problems arise. Be sure to work with your child on the plan and include in it that you will be there when help is needed. You want your child to know that you are on her side, you will work together to find responsible solutions, and that punishment and blaming is not part of this growing process. Work together to create this tentative plan, understanding that the plan will be appropriately modified as needed.

6. Plan for how you will spend your time. Now that your child has newfound freedom, how will you handle yourself so that you aren’t overwhelmed by your fear and worry? Your goal is to stay engaged doing something you enjoy. Resist the urge to be constantly preoccupied with concern, and instead trust that while all problems can’t be anticipated, you’ve been preparing your teen to be more independent.

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Nancy S. Buck, PhD, RN is a developmental psychologist, expert in children’s motivation and behavior and parenting coach. As the founder of Peaceful Parenting Inc., a blogger for Psychology Today and author of numerous books on parenting, including “How to Be a Great Parent,” Dr. Buck advises parents on effective practices to improve life for every member of the family. As an early childhood mental health specialist, she is devoted to helping families develop, improve and maintain optimal mental health and happiness.

Click here to link to the article in U.S. News & World Report.

 

Power Causes Brain Damage

“If power were a prescription drug,” the article began, “it would come with a long list of known side effects.” It has been said that power can corrupt, but it can also intoxicate, misinform, blind, traumatize, and, simply, egotize.

Studies out of McMaster University in Ontario, Canada, and UC Berkeley seem to affirm how historian Henry Adams described power as “a sort of tumor that ends by killing the victim’s sympathies.” The Berkeley study (spanning two decades) revealed that subjects under the influence of power “acted as if they had suffered a traumatic brain injury—becoming more impulsive, less adept at seeing things from other people’s point of view.” The McMaster study may provide clues to the “power paradox” – which states that once we have power we lose some of the capacities we needed to gain it in the first place. When heads of the powerful and not-so-powerful were placed under a transcranial-magnetic-stimulation machine, it was discovered that power impairs a neural process called mirroring. Mirroring contributes to our ability to empathize with another person.

Once we have power we lose some of the capacities we needed to gain it in the first place.

The power paradox has been studied in creative ways. “A 2006 study asked participants to draw the letter E on their forehead for others to view—a task that requires seeing yourself from an observer’s vantage point. Those feeling powerful were three times more likely to draw the E the right way to themselves—and backwards to everyone else.” George W. Bush may have demonstrated this tendency when he held up the American flag backwards at the 2008 Olympics.

Power, it turns out, makes us socially obtuse or worse, and professionally it leads to short-term success at the expense of relationships. Choice Theory confirms that certain kinds of power do exactly that.

Every human being, according to Choice Theory, is born with the Basic Need for power, although not all power is the same. Consider the difference, for instance, between power to and power over. Both kinds of power are attempts to fulfill the power need, yet the results can be markedly different.

We fulfill our power need by being able, competent, and successful in what we do. It is need-satisfying to achieve what we set out to accomplish. The power need, though, can also be met by having power over other people. Power over shows up in boss management styles that rely on punishment and reward and that seek to make others do what the boss wants them to do. It is difficult to create and maintain caring relationships when power over is part of the equation.

According to Choice Theory, our Basic Needs strengths are hardwired at birth. There is nothing good or bad about the Basic Need strengths – a high Basic Need for love and belonging is not necessarily good and a high need for power is not necessarily bad. As individuals our need strengths are what they are; the stronger the need, the stronger the urge to have that need met. The thing about the need for power, though, is that we can choose to stay in the power to mode, rather than the power over mode. A high power need person can still focus on being successful and achieving goals, just not at the expense of another person.

Like a prescription drug, power has side effects. It can get things done, often more efficiently, but it can also harm 1) the person doing the bossing, as well as 2) the person being bossed.

Tired of empathy deficiency?

            Let go of power over

                                   and embrace power to.

 

* The article, Power Causes Brain Damage, can be found in The Atlantic (July/August 2017) magazine.

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A really wonderful group of teachers (and a wonderful pastor) took The Better Plan 1 class at Pacific Union College this past week (June 26-29). They may have learned a few things from me, but I learned just as much from them.

Had a meaningful and memorable week with these guys!

 

Zero Tolerance Is Out, Making Amends Is In

The cover article of a recent ASCD Education Update newsletter was titled, The Path to Least Suspensions, which got my attention, although it was the subtitle – For minor offenses, zero tolerance is out and making amends is in – that really got my attention.

Rather than harsher responses involving punishment, schools are “embracing alternative student discipline” which includes strategies like volunteer opportunities, cool-off periods designed to de-escalate a problem before it turns into something bigger, and cultural competency training.

Schools are beginning to view discipline differently, with some seeing it as a commitment to restorative justice. “Unlike traditional punitive discipline policies,” the article explains, “restorative justice focuses on repairing a harm that was committed—whether to another student or teacher or to the school community –rather than simply meting out a punishment.”

Donna Chewning, a school mediator in Richmond, Virginia, admits that “restorative justice can sometimes be misunderstood as being Kumbaya for everybody,” but points out that “schools and districts that have embraced restorative practices are seeing notable outcomes.”

Other strategies mentioned in the article that seem complimentary to Choice Theory include –

+ Restorative Circles, which sound similar to a Problem-Solving class meeting.

+ Time out or cool off areas that are staffed by adults who are there to support them, rather than punish them.

+ In-school, instead of out-of-school suspensions.

+ Teachers learning to use restorative dialogue with students to build relationships and better understanding.

+ Asking reflective questions like What actually took place? How were people affected? What responsibility can you take? How can we come to a solution so this doesn’t happen again? and How can we get along better?

A key piece of restorative justice is about students righting their wrongs or making amends. “Students can clean up the mess that they made,” Chewning says, “and in doing so can learn something.” Students might ask to be sent home for a couple of days – Just suspend me they plead – instead of working through the restorative justice steps, however schools are sticking to the process and seeing good results.

Making amends sounds a lot like Restitution, a school discipline practice Glasser rejected, along with all other forms of school discipline programs, in 1996. I wrote about Glasser’s 1996 decisions in detail in his biography – Champion of Choice. The strong position he took causes me to pause when I see articles like this one. He was convinced that any focus on the student being the problem or on changing the student would backfire and cause more harm than good. Discipline programs at their core, he pointed out, were all focused on changing the student.

It is possible that the trend toward making amends instead of punishing students is showing improvement compared to the awful results of the coercion/punishment system it is replacing, yet at its core can still be missing the mark. The idea of making amends is a more humane, more need-satisfying approach, but it, too, will ultimately backfire if educators are applying it in an externally controlling way. This is what Glasser was trying to alert us to.

Teachers have admitted to me that, after learning about Choice Theory, they eventually resorted to using “internal control” strategies in an externally-controlling way. After experiencing a Choice Theory class they were good at first with being more Choice-Theory-like, but then they felt themselves slipping back into old habits. There is something remarkably appealing about external control.

Making amends can be applied in a spirit of external control, which is not good, however I think it can be applied in a spirit of internal control instead, which can be powerful. It is powerful, for instance, when you see a student resolve a wrong and in the process also see shame being replaced with dignity; it is powerful when you see confidence return and relationships restored.

The book Education, written by Ellen White in 1903, described this very situation –

The true object of reproof is gained only when the wrongdoer himself is led to see his fault and his will is enlisted for its correction. When this is accomplished point him to the source of pardon and power. Seek to preserve his self-respect and to inspire him with courage and hope.   Education, p. 292

The spirit of Choice Theory has to be present for the process of restoration to work. Making amends is better than traditional punishment, but if applied coercively will lead to resentful, rather than restored, students.

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Happy Fathers’ Day!!

Today is graduation day (June 18, 2017) at Pacific Union College, where I teach in the teacher credential program. We have an outdoor graduation and it is slated to get to 105 degrees today. It is only supposed to get to 92 by the time the ceremony is over, though, so bring a jacket.

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Looking forward to The Better Plan 1 class beginning a week from tomorrow here at PUC (June 26-29). It is very need-satisfying for me to witness people in the process of discovering how Choice Theory can change their lives in significant ways!

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The two books that I have written — Soul Shapers: A Better Plan for Parents and Educators (2005) and William Glasser: Champion of Choice (2014) — both comment on issues related to today’s blog post. There is a chapter in Soul Shapers called Getting Into and Out of Trouble that presents the process of redemptive discipline; and the chapter in Champion of Choice called Decision in Australia gives a comprehensive explanation of Glasser’s decision to reject school discipline programs. Both books are available in hard copy or digitally.

VENTURES Interview Available for a Short Time

I’m sure you know how much I love the work of Dr. Bill Glasser, known as Choice Theory, Reality Therapy and Lead Management. It’s had such a big impact on my life and work, and it’s very effective at helping people to build stronger relationships with themselves and those around them.
I was recently featured in an interview on an online program called VENTURES, which has been created to build the global Glasser community and extend the legacy of Dr. Glasser’s work around the world. This interview is available online now, and they’ve opened up a window so that the [people in my world can watch it… but it is a time-limited opportunity. The video will be available for a sneak peek for only the next 10 days… after that, this special promo page will be taken down, and it will only be available to subscribers.
CLICK HERE to watch it now.
I’m really excited about the work of VENTURES, and I encourage you to become a subscriber. Every month VENTURES releases new content specifically created to inspire, support and extend the ideas of Dr. Glasser. The people behind VENTURES are Jean Seville Suffield, President of Glasser Canada, and Lynn Sumida, Senior Faculty for Glasser International. They, together with newcomer Paul Johnson, have been working tirelessly to launch this project, and I’m so happy to both support and recommend them to you.
The biography is such a good way to meet the man, but it is also a great way to learn about his ideas.

The book that connects the dots of William Glasser’s ideas and his career.

The biography can be purchased from the William Glasser Inc. bookstore at wglasserbooks.com.

It can also be purchased through Amazon at this link.

A digital version of the book can be purchased from the publisher at this link. All formats are available.

Also, signed copies can purchased from me. Let me know.
If you have read the book I encourage you to post a review on Amazon or even on your Facebook page. Let’s continue to get the word out on mental health and happiness.

Always Default to Compassion

By my definition, she is a special missionary. The article she wrote doesn’t talk about which religion she follows, or that she is of any religious persuasion at all. Yet, as an urban middle school teacher where 99% of the students, because of grinding poverty, receive free lunch, she fits that definition in my book.

Elizabeth Peyton teaches at an urban middle school for refugee and immigrant kids. In describing herself she writes, “I spend all day with the most challenging, hilarious, exhausting group of people I can imagine, and I’m extremely grateful for it!” Her love, enthusiasm, and insight caught my eye and the points she made in her article took on a special significance to me.

A 12 year veteran teacher, Peyton admits that early in her career she tried to rely on everything from discipline models that sweated the small stuff to positive reward systems that affirmed the good stuff. Such strategies might in some way work for some, but she has embraced another approach. “Here’s the secret I’ve found for working with poor kids,” she writes. “You ready? It’s pretty simple. Always default to compassion.”

What does compassion look like and sound like? She offers –

A kid shows up late. “Everything ok. We missed you.”

A kid doesn’t have his homework for the fourth time this week. “Hey, is something going on that making it hard for you to get your work done? This is really important, and I want to make sure you’re able to do what you need to do.”

A kid throws a tantrum in class. “Wow, you’re really struggling with self-control. Can you tell me why? Are you hungry or tired?”

For those whose basic needs are being met, it is all too easy to underestimate the trauma kids experience outside of school (and sometimes, unfortunately, in school). When mom and dad are under stress, when living conditions are at risk on a daily basis, when it is “tough to sleep because people are constantly screaming or shooting off guns in your neighborhood,” it is hard to get homework done and even to be able to concentrate in school.

Peyton shared a situation she worked through that really represents what she is trying to say –

Starting with compassion increases the odds that you’ll find out what’s really going on and be able to actually help your students. A couple of years ago, one of my girls stopped doing her homework and paying attention in class. As a new teacher, I’d have assigned a detention and hoped that solved the problem.

Instead, I asked her what was going on. I found out that her dad – her sole surviving parent – had been arrested the week before for driving without a license. This seventh grader had been living on her own for close to a week, and getting herself to school on time every single day, but the food was running out and she was hungry and afraid. We bought her groceries and bailed her dad out, and her grades went right back to where they should have been.

Compassion builds relationships,
where a more aggressive approach will burn bridges.

Will kids ever take advantage of this kind of compassion? Peyton says that it has happened to her, but not very often. Compassion more often leads to the truth, and for that reason, she points out, “it’s better to err on the side of understanding than to be overly harsh.”

Punitive discipline is harmful wherever and whenever it is used, but especially so to vulnerable students. In the end, Peyton offers, “Compassion is the way out. I don’t promise it’ll solve all your classroom management problems, but it’ll go a long way. Treat a kid like a decent person and, more often than not, he or she will act like one.”

I don’t know if she has had Choice Theory training, but if not, Elizabeth Peyton is well on her way to being a Choice Theory teacher. Because they tap into principles and the deeper truths of life, she discovered the ineffectiveness and harm of the Deadly Habits and the effectiveness and healing of the Caring Habits.

 

Besides William Glasser, an architect of Choice Theory, I recall another choice theorist who would very much agree with Ms. Peyton. That other choice theorist, Ellen White, an insightful, and even inspired educator, wrote in 1903 –

In gentleness teachers will set before the wrongdoer his errors and help him to recover himself. Every true teacher will feel that should he err at all, it is better to err on the side of mercy than on the side of severity.   Education, p. 294

I wrote a book comparing William Glasser’s ideas to those of Ellen White, an unlikely duo, yet their beliefs are amazingly similar. That book is called Soul Shapers: A Better Plan for Parents and Educators (2005). Should I ever update Soul Shapers, I would definitely want to include the ideas of Elizabeth Peyton, too.

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Just a reminder: I will be teaching a summer class at PUC based on Choice Theory concepts called The Better Plan. It would be great to have you be a part of it. Get in touch with me if you have questions.

The Better Plan 1   June 26-29

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 It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.
e.e. cummings

 

Naughty? 10 Ways Kids Appear To Be Acting Bad, But Aren’t

As I read through the list of “naughty” behaviors, I had to admit the author, Dr. Erin Leyba, was onto something. Erin has a blog and a website called “the joy fix for parents,” which you can find at thejoyfix.com. Approaches like Joyful Parenting and Gentle Parenting, like Choice Theory, remind us to view child behavior through a more thoughtful lens, a lens that sees them developmentally, rather than as pests that need to be squelched.

I pass on the 10 behaviors below, also quoting the article (which you can access by clinking on this Psychology Today link), and also adding a Choice Theory comment here and there.

 1 Not Controlling Impulses
Ever say to your kid, “Don’t throw that!” and they throw it anyway? Research suggests that the brain regions involved in self-control are immature at birth and don’t fully mature until the end of adolescence, which explains why developing self-control is a long, slow process.

Choice Theory: This developmental reality doesn’t at all mean we ignore impulsive behavior; it should remind us to respond to their behavior in a more level, gentler manner.

 2 Overstimulation
We take our kids to Target, the park, and their sister’s play in a single morning, and inevitably see meltdowns, hyperactivity, or outright resistance. Jam-packed schedules, overstimulation, and exhaustion are hallmarks of modern family life.

Choice Theory: We often expect kids to have the same levels of interest and stamina that we have as adults, and in doing so we neglect what kids all need a lot of – that being time to just relax. A meltdown may be the result of the circumstances – no nap, late bedtime, skipping a meal, too much sugar – we have created.

 3 Core Conditions
Ever been “hangry” – angry because you’re hungry – or completely out of patience due to sleep deprivation? Little kids are affected tenfold by such “core conditions” of being tired, hungry, thirsty, over-sugared, or sick.

4 Expression of Big Feelings
As adults, we’ve been taught to tame and hide our big emotions, often by stuffing them, displacing them, or distracting them. Kids can’t do that yet.

Choice Theory: Again, it’s not that such behavior shouldn’t be addressed or confronted; rather it’s about teaching and coaching kids on how to deal with their feelings. It can be as simple as “Use your words,” rather than going into a punishment mode.

 5 Developmental Need for Tons of Movement
Instead of calling a child “bad” when they’re acting energetic, it may be better to organize a quick trip to the playground or a stroll around the block.

Choice Theory: I saw a sign on a K/1 classroom wall that read: It is stillness that must be justified, not movement. I saw this sign over 20 years ago, but it has been such a significant truth to me that I have never forgotten it.

 6 Developmentally Wired to Resist and Become Independent
Every 40 and 50 degree day resulted in an argument at one family’s home. A first-grader insisted that it was warm enough to wear shorts, while mom said the temperature called for pants. Erik Erikson’s (1963) model posits that toddlers try to do things for themselves, and that preschoolers take initiative and carry out their own plans. Even though it’s annoying when a child picks your tomatoes while they are still green, cuts their own hair, or makes a fort with eight freshly washed sheets, they’re doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing—trying to carry out their own plans, separate, make their own decisions, and become their own little independent people.

Choice Theory: Number 6 really addresses core aspects of Choice Theory, and reminds us that, as parents and teachers, our goal is to help our children become independent as soon as possible. Such independence doesn’t mean “aloneness,” though, as learning to be interdependent is also a needed lifeskill.

 7 Core Strengths that Trip Them Up
We all have core strengths that can also trip us up. Maybe we’re incredibly focused, but can’t transition very easily. Maybe we’re intuitive and sensitive, but take on other people’s negative moods like a sponge. Kids are similar. They may be driven in school, but have difficulty coping when they mess up (e.g. – yelling when they make a mistake). Recognizing when a child’s unwelcome behaviors are really the flip side of their strengths—just like ours—can help us react with more understanding.

8 Fierce Need for Play
Your kid paints her face with yogurt, wants you to chase her and “catch her” when you’re trying to brush her teeth, or puts on daddy’s shoes instead of her own when you’re racing out the door. Some of kids’ seemingly “bad” behaviors are what John Gottman calls “bids” for you to play with them. Kids love to be silly and goofy. They delight in the connection that comes from shared laughter and love the elements of novelty, surprise, and excitement. Play often takes extra time and therefore gets in the way of parents’ own timelines and agendas, which may look like resistance and naughtiness even when it’s not.

9 Reaction to Parents’ Moods
Multiple research studies on emotional contagion have found that it only takes milliseconds for emotions like enthusiasm and joy, as well as sadness, fear, and anger, to pass from person to person, and this often occurs without either person realizing it. Kids especially pick up on their parents’ moods.

10 Response to Inconsistent Limits
At one ball game, you buy your kid M&Ms. At the next, you say, “No, it’ll ruin your dinner,” and the kid screams and whines. When parents are inconsistent with limits, it naturally sets off kids’ frustration and invites whining or yelling. Just like adults, kids want and need to know what to expect.

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Again, I want to thank Erin Leyba for the great points she shared in her blog, many of them excerpted from her recent book, Joy Fixes for Weary Parents. Kids don’t come with instructions and often we treat them like they are little adults intentionally making our lives difficult. Leyba reminds us that children usually act the way they way they do because that is how babies or toddlers or children act. Our role as teachers and parents is to gently and compassionately teach them, as they mature, how to behave appropriately given the circumstances.

For me, one of the big Choice Theory reminders is that human beings are born with an internal system of motivation and behavior and that internal system remains in place throughout our lives. And thus, the significant adults in a child’s life have the privilege of helping that child become aware of his internal guidance system and the implications of his power of choice. It’s a pretty cool privilege, really!

 

What Do Women Most Desire?

What do women most desire? Some would say the answer to this question is elusive, even though we have known for almost 600 years. Indeed, the answer was clearly shared within the 15th century romance tale – The Wedding of Sir Gawain and Dame Ragnelle. Few are aware of this important tale, but through unique advantages that I possess as a professor in a teacher credential program I have learned the secret.

One of my roles involves the supervision of student teachers. I set up student teaching placements in local schools, and then coach and mentor students toward mastering the essentials of teaching. One of the benefits of being a supervisor is that I get to be in classrooms. I get to observe classrooms in action. From the elegance of Math problems to the English class challenge of writing an impactful paper on the book The Chocolate War; from the fun of learning to hit a forehand on a tennis court in Physical Education to a Social Studies debate on the issue of building a wall along the U.S. / Mexican boarder, these are the kinds of rich learning experiences I get to observe. It is common for me, actually, immediately after leaving a classroom in which I have been observing, to get out my iPhone and order a book I just saw the classroom discussing. Their dialogue inspired me so much that I had to read it, too. Such was the source of my learning of The Wedding and, more importantly, the secret of what women most desire. For it was a high school English class that was studying the tale I am about to share with you. As a result of learning the secret, whether you are man or woman, your life may never be the same again.

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The tale tells of an adventure during the time of King Arthur, a time when “chivalry was paramount.” It begins with King Arthur on a hunting trip. Separated from his knights while chasing a particular deer, he comes upon a knight not of his group, a knight of great might and fully armed. The knight intends to kill King Arthur for a wrong done many years before. Arthur delays the knight’s intention by talking with him and trying to convince him that it is no great thing to kill him when he isn’t in armor or armed really at all. So the knight agrees to let Arthur go for exactly one year, with the agreement that Arthur would return at the end of the year and tell the knight “what women everywhere love best.” If Arthur returned with the answer, he would live, otherwise he would die.

This Arthur agreed to, including that he wasn’t to tell anyone of their deal. But when he went back home many people could tell that he wasn’t himself. Finally, one of his most noble knights, Sir Gawain, approached him and asked what was wrong. Arthur ended up telling him about the unfortunate incident in the forest and the need for him to come up with what women truly desire most.

Gawain quickly came up with a plan. He would get on a horse and ride in one direction and Arthur would get on a horse and ride in the other direction, whereupon, as they rode far and near, they would ask people what their answer would be to this question. Surely, the answer would eventually come out of all this wisdom. The king liked the idea and they each set upon a journey of many months seeking the answer to this important, yet puzzling, question.

While on his journey Arthur met a lady that was as loathsome a creature as he had ever met. “Her face was red, and her nose dripped snot; her mouth was wide; her teeth were completely yellowed, and she had bleary eyes larger than a ball. Her mouth was overly large; her teeth hung over her lips.” There were many more details describing her foulness, but you get the picture.

Quite quickly the lady hailed the king and confidently explained that she knew the answer to his plight. She knew the secret; she knew what women most desire. “Grant me, sir, just one thing, and I guarantee you will live.” The king was not pleased with this lady, but he inquired as to what she wanted. In reply, she said “You must grant me a knight to marry. And his name is Sir Gawain.”

The king said he couldn’t do this and that it wasn’t for him to decide who Gawain would marry. But the lady was adamant, stating again that she could save his life. So the king reluctantly agreed to see what he could do.

When the king met Gawain he was discouraged, certain that he would die. Soon he shared with Gawain the offer of the foul lady and the deal she wanted in trade for her wisdom. As noble a knight as ever was, Gawain quickly agreed to marry her. “I shall marry her and marry her again. Even is she were a fiend. Even if she was as foul as Beelzebub. I will wed her, or could I really be your friend?

And so the king met again with the foul lady, whose name was Dame Ragnelle, and let her know that Gawain would indeed marry her. “Now,” said Arthur, “tell me your answer at once and save my life.” Ragnelle reviewed aloud many of the things that men thought women wanted – to be beautiful, to be in friendship with many wonderful men, to have pleasure in bed, to wed often, to be young, etc. “But there is one thing,” she said, “that we all fantasize about. Above all other things we desire from men to have sovereignty.” By this she meant that women want the ability to choose, whatever the situation may be. Sovereignty.

So the king went on his way and at the appointed time, exactly one year after first meeting the awful knight, met him where they had met before. Arthur told the knight what women most desire and the knight had to agree that it was a right and good answer. Arthur’s life was spared.

Gawain, though, believing in chivalry as he did, had to go ahead and marry Ragnelle. In spite of her ugliness, Gawain pledged his fidelity to her. People cried at the wedding for Gawain, but he married her nonetheless. During the reception banquet, true to her loathsome ways, Ragnelle ate more than any other guests. She probably ate more than any three guests put together.

Later that night, Gawain and Ragnelle were in their chamber when Gawain turned to her and instead of seeing an ugly, loathsome woman, he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He rejoiced at her beauty, and embraced her, but she interrupted him.

“Sir,” she said, “thus shall you have me.
Choose one—may God save me,
My beauty will not be permanent—
Whether you will have me fair at night
And ugly by day to all men’s sight,
Or else to have me fair by day
And at night one of the foulest women.
One of these you must have.
Choose one or the other.
Choose one, Sir Knight, whichever pleases you more.”

“Alas,” said Gawain, “the choice is hard.” And he thought about which choice would be best, the advantages and disadvantages to each. In the end, though, he said –

“My beautiful Lady, do as you please.
I put the choice in your hands.
Just as you wish—I give you control.
Free me when you choose, for I am constrained.
I give you the choice.”

And because he honored her in this way, the sorcery placed on her by her stepmother was broken. For until the best man in England had truly wedded her, she would appear as the exact opposite of what she was. So courteous, chivalrous Gawain came to her rescue. Out of love for his king and a willingness to keep his promise he came to be with the beautiful Ragnelle.

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The tale, thought to be written around 1450, reveals a great, enduring truth – the human race was built for freedom. We function best, whether man, woman, or child, when we have autonomy and the ability to weigh our choices.

The tale is also a good example of curriculum content that can serve as a springboard to teach the elements of Choice Theory. In this case, the tale could be used to –

+ emphasize the basic need for freedom.

+ identify the Caring Habits and Deadly Habits of characters in the story.

+ examine the role of gender through the centuries since the tale was written.

+ discuss the factors that can contribute to unhappy marriages.

+ consider the concept of chivalry and its relationship to the basic need of freedom.

These are just a few classroom applications from the story. I would love it if you would respond and suggest additional teaching applications. If you have stories that you are already using in this way, it would be great if you could share them with us as well.

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The month of June is just around the corner and with it comes The Better Plan classes that I teach at Pacific Union College as a part of the summer school schedule. Those dates are –

The Better Plan 1   June 26-29

The Better Plan 2   July 5-7

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The Better Plan workshops can also be scheduled at your school, conference, or district. Let me know if you are interested.

Dog Saliva, Pecking Pigeons, and Children

Gwen Webster is standing in the open doorway of her fourth-grade classroom. One moment she is looking out to the playground where most of her students are playing and the next moment she turns to look into the classroom where two students continue to sit. She has kept the two students in because they have not finished their assignment. She had certainly warned them of this possibility, but they wouldn’t get to work, so now she has determined to “increase their concern about finishing the work.”

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Except, as she looks back into the classroom, neither Vaughn nor Laurel seems the least bit concerned about their work. And so Gwen stands in the open doorway, fretting just a bit about the cold of the winter morning air exchanging places with the warmth of the heated classroom through that open door, and fretting just a bit that she can’t be with her colleagues, whose classrooms shared this recess time, chatting in a small group out by the playground equipment.

As her frustration grows, Gwen Webster begins to think about other ways to make these kids get their work done. Tony got his work done, although as she looks at the disheveled worksheet that he thrust into her hand before zooming out the field to play football with his classmates she realizes that what he completed barely merits a passing score. Yet he turned something in. What is with these other two kids? she thinks to herself. And so she stands in the doorway, her left side feeling the warmth of the classroom, her right the chill of the winter air, and continues to think about what she needs to do to get Vaughn and Laurel to finish their assignment.

She looks at Laurel, who is quietly reading a book at her desk, seemingly oblivious to her teacher’s concern. And then she looks at Vaughn, who is quietly yet angrily sitting at his desk. Well, he can be as angry as he wants, she again thinks to herself. As far as I’m concerned, he can sit there until the cows come home, but that assignment will get done. She looks at her watch. Still 10 minutes to go for recess.

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This excerpt from Soul Shapers: A Better Plan for Parents and Educators (2005) is based on a common classroom occurrence – that being, students don’t complete work so the teacher comes up with a response intended to make them do it. Let’s continue with the excerpt and see what we can learn from Gwen Webster.

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   Earlier in the morning she had threatened to keep students in from recess if they did not finish their assignment. A number of the students got to work and finished it on time. Was it wrong for Gwen to think that she made them do their work? They hadn’t been doing their work, but she intervened and made them do it. Right? As you are thinking about this, let’s examine the experiences and thinking of several of Gwen’s students, including Laurel and Vaughn, who are still sitting at their desks.

Avery is one of the students out on the playground. He is an excellent student and actually was enjoying the social studies worksheet. He does well in all of his subjects, even the ones he doesn’t particularly like. He likes to read and is good at organizing his thoughts and writing them out afterward. He knows he is considered smart by others and wants to continue to be viewed that way. The approval of his teachers and parents is important to him. When his teacher was threatening his classmates to get to work, Avery was so focused on completing his assignment that he was only vaguely aware of what she was saying. He was now out on the playground, but the fact that he was out there had nothing to do with his teacher threatening him and making him do his work.

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Kendra is also out on the playground, even though she is not known for being an excellent student. Kendra is actually quite bright and is, in fact, gifted in the areas of music and art. She isn’t that exited about reading, and struggles a bit with writing her thoughts out, unless it is lyrics to a song. She was one of the students that got to work when her teacher threatened to keep people in who didn’t finish the assignment. She likes recess and figured the work wasn’t that big of a deal. She also didn’t want to get on her teacher’s bad side. Better to do it now, she figured, than to have to do it at home later. One of her favorite TV shows was on that evening, and there was no sense in jeopardizing that. She didn’t consciously process all of these thoughts, but regardless, she ended up choosing to finish her work on time.

Tony was another matter. He is kinesthetically gifted and seems to be a classroom leader, although his leadership is not always appreciated by his teacher. Actually, he is smart in other ways, too, but so far people have caught only occasional glimpses of the kind of quality work he can produce. He is a good reader and writer when he wants to be.

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On this particular morning he and some of the other boys had been talking about the football game on TV last night, and that had led to some bragging and such; next thing you know, teams had been divided in preparation for the “big game” during the morning recess. Tony took this pretty seriously and was working on getting ready for the game, assigning positions for the guys on his team and making new plays instead of completing his assignment. When he first heard his teacher threatening to keep students in from recess, he looked at the clock and figured he would have time to get it all done. But as recess time grew closer, his thinking changed from I still have time to get this done to She won’t really make us stay in if we don’t have it done.

A conversation Tony overheard between his teacher and Vaughn convinced him that she was serious, though it was too late. Tony panicked as he saw that only kids handing Mrs. Webster a completed assignment could head to the playground. His powers of intelligence kicked in and he scanned the paper to assess what he could do to fix the situation. He quickly realized that while reading the assigned section in the textbook would improve the quality of the answers, one could actually answer the questions without doing the reading. This he quickly proceeded to do.

He presented the assignment, a bit crumpled and a bit hurried, to his teacher while glancing out to the playground to make sure that the teams looked right. “Oh, all right, go ahead,” Gwen Webster said, indicating for Tony to head for the door of freedom to the playground. She could see that his answers were hurried, but he did turn something in. His worksheet might have been hurried, but the three pages of football plays stuffed in his pocket were really quite good.

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All of Tony’s plays were designed on the principle of faking out the other team. Send all of your players to the right, except for a halfback who delays and then goes out to the left. The play is meant to make the defensive team think that the play is heading a certain direction when actually it is going the exact opposite direction. Gwen Webster had just been faked out. As she stood in the doorway telling Tony he could go out to the playground she wasn’t satisfied with the quality of his work, but she did feel that she had succeeded in “making him” do it and turn it in. In fact, this was not true. Tony had reasons of his own, motivations that were important to him, that prompted his choice to get his work done.

That brings us to Laurel and Vaughn, still at their desks, and still not having started the assignment. Laurel sits with her knees curled up to her chest (not easy to do on a classroom chair) and reads a book she has brought from home. She is an excellent reader and a good student, even an excellent student at times. She has an inner strength about her that is noticeable, a self-awareness, if you will. Her answers are thoughtful and usually come from a perspective that is unique compared to that of the rest of her classmates. Her classmates are important to her, and she is also aware of and talented with social connections. She has a tendency to be “up” or “down,” though, which can be hard to figure out until you get to know her.

On this morning a couple of things are on Laurel’s mind. One is not so important, the other is very important. The less important thing is the fact that she left her house this morning without her jacket. She thought she had left it in the car the day before, but when she got to the car it wasn’t there, and they were already running late, so she arrived at school without it. The more important thing has to do with the fact that she and Stephanie are in a tiff, and now some of their mutual friends are involved. Laurel thinks, is sure, in fact, that they are going to snub her at recess. Stephanie is acting as if I should apologize to her and it telling our friends that, when in fact it should be Stephanie apologizing to me, Laurel thought to herself as she sat at her desk, curled up and reading. She didn’t want to have anything to do with any of them. So there! she added silently, yet emphatically.

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Without insightful probing, there isn’t much chance that Gwen would know what is going on in Laurel’s thinking. And the issue for us at the moment isn’t what Gwen could have done or said as much as it is the need for us to realize that Laurel is motivated by thinking and perceptions that are important to her. The teacher’s threats did not overrule the fact that she did not have a jacket and didn’t really want to go outside, or that she was in a tiff with her friends and would just as soon not have to deal with them right then. Laurel is an example of a person who makes a choice, even in the face of threats or punishment, for reasons that have to do with internal motivation.

Vaughn is another such example. Vaughn sits at his desk, still and seething. His little heart is beating a bit faster, and if he had a pencil in his hand at the moment he would probably break it. Vaughn is actually quite bright, but most people miss his brightness and focus on his troubled life. Vaughn is at school because his grandmother is paying for the tuition (she can barely afford it on her fixed income, but the church is helping a bit, too). He lives with his mother (another story in itself) and his little sister. No one seems to know anything about the missing dad.

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Although young, Vaughn already feels that he has to fight to get his “place in life.” He lives by the adage that “it isn’t important that you get good attention or bad attention, as long as you get attention.” To be sure, most of the attention that Vaughn gets is bad attention. Other students care about what their teachers think of them; Vaughn doesn’t seem to. Other students want to go to this school; Vaughn doesn’t. He seems to range from defensive to aggressive, and adults seem to talk a lot about what to do with Vaughn.

He doesn’t read much, as there are almost no books at home. He doesn’t write much either, although he is certainly capable of both. He looked at the social studies worksheet when the teacher handed it out, but nothing on the worksheet grabbed him. It was just one more thing that he was supposed to do in school. He delayed a bit in getting started, since he was somewhat involved with some of the football talk going back and forth. Ted had encouraged him to get his assignment done so that he could be on Ted’s team.

Vaughn was actually getting his textbook out of his desk to get started when Mrs. Webster first announced that anyone not finishing the assignment would not go out to recess. The more he thought about what she said, the more it bugged him. People are always trying to make me do stuff, he thought to himself. I don’t want to do this stupid worksheet anyway. She can’t make me do it. Better yet, maybe they’ll kick me out. At his young age Vaughn had only a vague appreciation for his own reputation, although that sense was growing. Something inside was driving him to be unique, to be himself, to create his niche.

“People behave for TOTALLY personal reasons.”

   Gwen was beginning to engage in a “fight” with Vaughn, though not on purpose. She would not have described it as a competition, but that is what it was. If pressed, Gwen would have said that “for Vaughn’s sake I am going to win this thing.” Again, the key at this point isn’t reviewing what Gwen was doing. The key is understanding that Vaughn sat there seething and determined for reasons totally inside of himself. Regardless of her arsenal of stimuli, Gwen was not going to make Vaughn do much of anything.

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The story of Gwen Webster, Laurel, and Vaughn explains how people behave for totally personal reasons – not occasional personal reasons, not some personal reasons, not even for mostly personal reasons. Again, people behave for totally personal reasons. This is the key to internal control psychology. It is a key to understanding and applying Choice Theory.

Boss-managers firmly believe that people can be motivated from the outside:
they fail to understand that all of our motivation comes from within ourselves.
William Glasser

This excerpt from Soul Shapers is taken from a chapter entitled – Dog Saliva, Pigeons, and Children – which explores the effects of stimulus-response strategies in homes and classrooms. Soul Shapers can be easily accessed through Amazon. I was recently informed by my students that a cheap digital copy of the book is available through Google Books.

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