A therapist I knew shared with me that “90% of the couples I counsel would rather be right than married.”
This conversation took place over 35 years ago, yet I still remember this pithy, say-a-lot-with-few-words statement stopping me in my mental tracks. Now in my 42nd year of marriage, this statement continues to stop me in my tracks as it simultaneously encourages and accuses me.
90% of couples in therapy would rather be right than married
It would seem this statement relates to Choice Theory, but how? How does the idea of wanting to be right rather than being married relate to the elements of Choice Theory? I would appreciate your help with this. I think this topic deserves a blog post, but your insights will make the post better. Consider the following prompts and then share your thoughts. You can answer one of them or both of them.
Question 1: How do you respond to the statement that “90% of couples in therapy would rather be right than married?”
Question 2: What elements of Choice Theory come to mind when you consider the statement that “90% of couples in therapy would rather be right than married?”
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The Better Plan . . 
The solving (marriage) circle concept comes to mind. When focusing on improving the rrlationship becomes the main issue, right and wrong could be less relevant. Thanks for asking, Jim.
The solving circle concept is able to melt the self-centered barriers that people erect and nurture. The focus on we, rather than me, gently confronts our pride and directs us toward, ultimately, love. Glad you reminded us about the solving circle.
Those couples have a bigger need for controlling then belonging. It is sad that the love is not stronger then the personal need.
What a great, succinct way to say this! Need to control more than to belong.
I would rather be right AND Married 🙂 I think it is a classic example of needs not being met and frustration building to a point of argument. Feeling like you have won the argument gives a sense of power and freedom which may be highly desirable if you are not experiencing the other basic needs being met in the relationship… I will be thinking more on this. Thanks!
You have me thinking about the idea that winning a power moment or struggle might bring more satisfaction if other areas of the relationship are lacking in some way.
When it comes to the Basic Needs, I have heard it said that if we have a Need that is especially strong or a Need that is especially weak, those are the particular areas that will cause friction in our relationships. If we have an extra high need for Love & Belonging, that need, while a positive in many ways, will also be a source of challenge. If we have an extra low need for Power, that need, while making aspects of relationships easier, will also contribute to relationship challenges.