Posts tagged “positive relationships”
July 23, 2016 9 Comments

It’s the 7 Principles of the Thing

The Japanese translation of Glasser's biography, Champion of Choice.

The Japanese translation of Glasser’s biography, Champion of Choice.

I am looking forward next month to traveling to Japan and speaking at their Glasser conference on Reality Therapy and Choice Theory. The Glasser biography, Champion of Choice (2014) has been translated in Japanese (thanks to Masaki Kakitani and Achievement Publishing) and is selling well there. Some of you are aware of Choice Theory’s presence in countries around the world, with several countries – Australia, Ireland, Canada, and Japan, to name a few – having active and influential Choice Theory organizations.

Like a number of other cultures, Japanese read from right to left, and they also read from top to bottom. Again, thank you Masaki Kakitani.

Like a number of other cultures, Japanese read from right to left, and they also read from top to bottom. Again, thank you Masaki Kakitani.

Choice Theory’s worldwide presence and appeal underscores a point that shouldn’t be lost on us, the point being that Choice Theory is based on principles. Think about it, we define a principle as a foundational, fundamental truth, not restricted by time or place. In other words, a principle of human behavior would be as relevant in Singapore as it is in Scotland; as relevant in 1500 BC as it is in 2016.

Glasser referred to Choice Theory having axioms, which is a pretty good word, too, but not everyone really knows what an axiom is. If you are curious, an axiom is a self-evident truth that requires no evidence or a universally accepted principle. So the two words – principle and axiom – are close. (I am not sure I like the idea that an axiom requires no evidence. It seems, even when it comes to an important principle we are constantly reviewing it for accuracy.)

Principles provide compass points for our lives.
(They’re that dependable.)

So, given that Choice Theory is being studied and practiced around the world, what are the principles of human behavior that Choice Theory desires to honor and promote?

ONE – Every human being behaves for totally personal reasons.
We don’t behave for some reasons that are personal, or for reasons that are mostly personal. We behave for reasons that are totally personal. All of our motivation comes from within. We may change our behavior in response to a threat from someone else, or we may disregard the threat and do what we want, but either way we are deciding for reasons inside of us. We may accept a bribe and do what we are being paid to do, or we may reject the bribe and follow our own path, but again, we are deciding for internal reasons. We weigh outside circumstances; those circumstances don’t control us.

TWO – The only person we have a chance to control is ourselves.
Since every human being is internally motivated and controlled, it follows that “external control” or “outside control” really isn’t possible. We are not designed to be controlled by another person; nor are we designed to control others.

THREE – All behavior is purposeful.
I like Glasser’s explanation that any behavior is an attempt at that moment to meet a Basic Need. (Glasser would add that it is our “best” attempt to meet a need, but I am still thinking about that.) If we believe that people are internally controlled, then we must also believe that we behave for a reason, including the behavior of choosing to be miserable. (It’s fascinating to consider how being miserable could somehow be need-satisfying.)

FOUR – Attempts to control another person’s behavior will end poorly.
Because we are not designed to be controlled by others, or to control others, all our efforts to do so will harm the relationship between the controller and the controlee, and will also harm the quality of the task or product being demanded.

FIVE – Positive changes in behavior always come from tapping into a person’s strengths, not from trying to eliminate a person’s weakness.
Weaknesses represent areas in which we lack, sometimes significantly, so expecting changes to be based on areas in which do not have an affinity for or the needed skills seems a bit ill-advised. When working with a student (or teacher for that matter) who is performing marginally, the key lies in identifying areas of strength and building a success plan based on those strengths.

SIX – Positive changes are fueled by positive relationships with key individuals.
This may sound obvious, but it is striking how often this is ignored. Students, for instance, will work for a teacher with whom they enjoy a positive relationship, even in a content area the student doesn’t particularly like. And the opposite is just as true where students will do marginally in a content area they like because they are at odds with the teacher. One of the things that happens because of a good relationship is trust, and very little of value happens without trust.

SEVEN – Effective assessment is standards-based and always includes self-evaluation.
Measuring against a standard, especially when it comes to professional licensing (e.g.- passenger plane pilot, brain surgeon, lawyer, etc.), is important. However, the essential piece in the assessment process always comes back to how the individual being evaluated evaluates himself. Whether a student is working through a behavior problem on one hand or considering his level of performance on a Biology project on another, the goal is to help him/her accurately self-evaluate and then, if needed, to make a plan for improvement.

This list is not exhaustive, but it does state seven important principles of human behavior. My view is these principles have been around since the dawn of time and that they apply regardless of where you live. I have shared the elements of Choice Theory in places like Bangkok, Beirut, and Bermuda, disparate cultures that view the implications of Choice Theory differently. Of course, we here in the U.S. and Canada have our own cultural challenges, too, when it comes to Choice Theory. Yet principles are . . . well . . . principles. They don’t go away because we don’t understand them or don’t want to honor them.

Would you word any of the seven principles differently? Can you add any to the list?

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For those of you who read from left to right, remember the English version of Glasser’s biography is also available.

You can buy the paperback version through William Glasser Books at http://wglasserbooks.com.
It is also available through Amazon.

Electronic versions of the biography are available through Zeig, Tucker Publishing at https://www.zeigtucker.com/product/ebooks/william-glasser-champion-of-choice-ebook/

 

 

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A quiet classroom begins to take shape in anticipation of the Soul Shapers workshop, which began yesterday. There is something special about a classroom before class begins. Potential hangs in the air and fills the space. Thinking will be affected and lives will be changed. It’s a sacred place to me.

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Soul Shapers 1 is off and running! The potential of the empty classroom turns into accomplishment and success as participants plan a skit that depicts how Behaviorism has infiltrated religion. (I should have recorded them. They were right on and hilarious at the same time. ) There is something very special about sharing the concepts of choice theory with people.

At the end of yesterday’s class, participants were asked to write out their ‘take-aways” from the day. Here are a few of the take-aways they shared:

+ The building of relationships is essential for students to do their best.

+ The effect that external control has on us and the actual degree of negativity it leaves on those we use it on.

+ External control reduces the quality of the product.

+ The most important thing is maintaining relationships!

+ “I’m a deadly habit user.”

+ Beware of the subtle ways in which we use stimulus-response strategies.

+ We must have a relationship or connection with our students in order to help or influence them for good.

+ I liked that Choice Theory is relevant to our spiritual life; that God gave us that choice and we need to incorporate choice in our relationships.

+ If there is a relationship, there’s influence.

+ We can manipulate, thinking we are doing a good thing. There’s no such thing as positive manipulation. It could be good influence, but manipulation involves enforcing something on another person without their approval. (I guess.) It made me think.

+ Learn to manage more with redemption.

+ Focus on being more supportive and caring to spark creativity and loving responses.
April 5, 2014 7 Comments

Listening to Understand

 

We may not have ears as big as Abby's, but we still concentrate on really listening to the person talking to us.

We may not have ears as big as Abby’s, but we still concentrate on really listening to the person talking to us.

One of the things I like on Facebook are the concise, insightful quotes and statements that friends share. The quotes often pack a lot of wisdom into a small amount of space. An example of such a quote was recently posted by Maureen Craig McIntosh, a Glasser faculty member from New Brunswick. It read –

The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.

Most of us quickly recognize truth in this statement, but don’t let quick agreement cause you to miss some of the deeper truths it contains. An experienced Glasser trainer thought enough of the statement to pass it on to us. What are the choice theory implications of listening to understand? Let’s identify a few –

1. One of the reasons we are quick to reply, rather than listen, is that we think we know what’s best for others. As soon as we hear the problem, we want to let others know about our solution.

2. More than simply wanting to share a solution, another reason we are quick to reply is that we may want to control the person who is talking to us. This can be especially true if the person is one of our children, or a spouse, or one of our students.

3. One of the most need-satisfying things we can do for another person is to truly listen to what he/she is trying to say. Active listening can assist another person in problem-solving for himself, which honors the choice theory axiom that the only person I can control is me.

Billy Joel sang about a New York state of mind; it would seem the idea of listening to understand or listening to reply involves a state of mind, too. Fortunately, a state of mind is something we can influence, a lot. We can choose to concentrate on listening more and talking less. One of Covey’s famous 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is to “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

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Classroom Application

Listening to reply –

Student: I don’t want to go out to recess today.

Teacher: What? What are you talking about?

Student: I don’t want to go out to recess. I just want to stay inside the classroom.

Teacher: That’s ridiculous! You’re coming outside. I can’t have kids all over the place.

Listening to understand –

Student: I don’t want to go out to recess today.

Teacher: I think that might be a first for you. You really don’t want to go outside?

Student: No, I just want to stay in the classroom.

Teacher: Can you tell me what it’s about? Are you not feeling well?

Student: I guess I feel ok; I just want to hang out in here.

Teacher: You know, it felt a little bit like something was troubling you when you came in the classroom at the start of school this morning.

Student: (shrugs)

Teacher: Would you be willing to come outside and hang out with me as I supervise the playground? If you’re ok with talking about it, I would like to hear what you’re thinking this morning. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s ok, too. And if you don’t want to hang out with me at all, you can sit on the bench outside of the classroom. I’m ok with that. Would either of those options work for you?

Student: (smaller shrug) Yeh, I guess I could hang out with you. That’d be ok.

Home Application

Listening to reply –

Wife: I got offered a promotion today at work.

Husband: Wow! Way to go!

Wife: Yeh, I probably should be excited, but I just . . . I don’t know.

Husband: What do you mean, you don’t know? You’ve earned it. Ya gotta go for it! I assume there would be a raise and we definitely could use the money.

Listening to understand –

Wife: I got offered a promotion today at work.

Husband: Wow! Way to go!

Wife: Yeh, I probably should be excited, but I just . . . I don’t know.

Husband: It looks like you have mixed feelings about it.

Wife: Yeh, I do. I really do. A part of me realizes it is a great opportunity, while another part of me likes what I have going right now. (pauses)

Husband: (gives a little smile, but doesn’t break the silence)

Wife: The promotion offers more pay.

Husband: Besides more money, how would your life change if you took the job?

Wife: I’ve thought about that a lot. (pauses) I see what supervisors have to do, the way they spend their days, and the problems they are expected to solve, and there is just nothing in me that wants that. I really like what I do now. I look forward to going to work on most days. (pause) And I like that my schedule is so good for our home. I can pick the kids up after school, which is a huge advantage compared to what I see other parents juggling. The extra pay is tempting, but I don’t think it outweighs all that.

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We’ll close today with another quote that captures something important with very few words. I was alerted to it by Bette Blance, a choice theory leader in New Zealand. The quote reads –

Listen and silent are spelled with the same letters. Think about it.

As the wife was talking to her husband in the last scenario about her possible promotion there were several times when she paused and silence filled the moment. Yet her husband did not jump in and fill the silence with his ideas. He simply remained silent, too, and let his wife work through her thoughts. Like the quote says, Think about it.

 
March 11, 2014 6 Comments

The Importance of the A in DREAM

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In the last blog we were introduced to the GREAT DREAM acronym and the ten simple habits it represents that are proven to make us happier. Those habits are listed here again, with the average ratings of the survey participants (scale of 1-10), which reflect how often they performed each habit.

1. GIVING: do things for others – 7.41

2. RELATING: connect with people – 7.36

3. EXERCISING: take care of your body – 5.88

4. APPRECIATING: notice the world around you – 6.57

5. TRYING OUT: keep learning new things – 6.26

6. DIRECTION: have goals to look forward to – 6.08

7. RESILIENCE: find ways to bounce back – 6.33

8. EMOTION: take a positive approach – 6.74

9. ACCEPTANCE: be comfortable with who you are – 5.56

10. MEANING: be part of something bigger – 6.38

While there is much that is positive and helpful in this list it is worth noting the habit that received the lowest score – that being self-acceptance. Accepting ourselves is one of the most important parts of good mental health, yet we have a hard time actually doing it.

Much has been written about accepting yourself and loving yourself and the whole idea of self-esteem, in general. All of us seem to struggle with the idea of self-acceptance. Could this struggle represent the seeds of discontent and distress that lead to poor mental health? Where does our lack of self-acceptance come from? The answer is probably different for each of us. Some of us were brought up by adults who were significantly wounded themselves and passed those wounds on to us. Others of us were raised by well-meaning adults who loved us, but who still relied on criticism, blaming, and punishing as the ways to get us to behave. Still others of us come out of a religious background that painted an inaccurate picture of God, a picture that portrayed Him as an angry, exacting judge. There are many possible reasons for why we don’t give ourselves the same break we desire to give others.

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This is one of the areas in which choice theory is helpful, in that the theory reminds us that the answers to our basic mental health issues lie within each of us. The theory explains that we are not trapped in our past, even if that past includes criticism, punishment, and inaccurate God pictures. It explains the freedom we have to live in the present and celebrate our gifts, as well as our potential.

Love your neighbor as yourself.
Matthew 22:49

When schools embrace traditional forms of classroom management and grading they contribute to the seeds of poor self-esteem with which so many of us end up struggling with.  Anytime the focus is on performance, students come to believe that their value is wrapped up in their achievements and accomplishments. Even successful students (maybe especially successful students) are damaged by this message, because their self-esteem is contingent on their latest performance and what others think of that performance.

This is one of the reasons why Glasser Quality Schools (or schools that live choice theory) are so successful – that being the focus is on positive relationships, intentional “liking” relationships that aren’t dependent on how students perform. Students are valued as fellow human beings with inherent value based on that alone. High achievement takes place in a choice theory school, too, but it is the result of relationships and relevance, rather than the end-all in itself.

The A in DREAM stands for acceptance, a quality we readily admit we need to nurture when it comes to our response to others, but a quality we struggle to apply to ourselves. Let’s recognize this struggle for what it is and make a decision to start treating ourselves better.

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Classroom Application:

Have student partners create a graphically-rich poster that expresses or exemplifies unconditional love.

To prepare the students for creating the poster, assist them in exploring responses to questions like –
What does it mean to be unconditionally loving?
In what ways have you experienced unconditional love?
Is there such a thing as conditional love?
What kinds of conditions do loving people place on one another?
Is it possible to have expectations of another person and have them be unrelated to a decision to love?
Is it harder for teachers and parents, who feel such a deep responsibility for children, to be unconditionally loving?

Allow time in class for the posters to be created and then post them around the class when they are completed. A few days after they have been posted, which allows for students to look at each other’s posters, allow time for teams to explain their posters and respond to questions.

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The difference between pain and misery?
Pain is what we walk through; misery is what we sit in.
September 9, 2013 6 Comments

It Is More Important That I Like Them

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Fall quarter begins on September 23 at Pacific Union College, the school at which I teach in the teacher credential program, which means that two weeks from today I will be teaching. Next week there will be quite a few campus meetings and time will feel crunched. Therefore, I thought it wise to get going on office organization and class preparation today. I attacked some stacks of stuff on top of my file cabinets, stacks that had been resting there for some time (it turns out), and re-discovered some papers, folders, and articles that were actually worthwhile in some way. One of the sheets of paper I ran across was some notes I took from a presentation I attended. It is written in my handwriting, but I had no name or no date anywhere on the paper. I remember being impressed with the talk, but I can’t remember who gave it. If one of you shared these thoughts, let me know. In any case, I have typed out my notes from the talk below –

What have you not learned yet?

What can I offer you?

It takes three years to figure out if you’re in the right place, doing it well, etc.

Give yourself permission to fail; and then to fail again.

Be reflective about your teaching.

I felt I couldn’t do anything well.

It is more important that I like them, rather than focusing on them liking me.

What mountain are you willing to die on?

One week does not a year make.

God does not call us to be successful; He calls us to be faithful.

#1 rule of teaching – Do no harm.

The one about it being “important that I like them” really jumped out at me. Of course, it oozes and overflows with choice theory. We can choose and nurture our own thoughts and behavior, but that is where our control stops.

It is amazing how much energy we can put into worrying about being liked by others. New teachers especially have to come to grips with this. Until they do it can be so draining trying to manipulate others into behaving a certain way. Being a teacher takes real strength. It takes strength to like students when they aren’t very likeable.

It can be easy to skip over the liking part and focus on having a spirit of love. The thing is, liking is loving in action. Liking is the “hi” in the morning, even when you know you’re not going to get an enthusiastic hi in return. Liking is talking about the football game and making small talk. Liking is being interested in another person and the things they are interested in. Liking is wishing another person a good evening and reminding them that you are looking forward to seeing them tomorrow.

I really believe that some students have never experienced an unconditional liking relationship. As their teacher or significant adult in their life, you may be the first to treat them like they are special and that they have a purpose in this world. They may be used to being ignored, resented, yelled at, manipulated, and controlled. It may be a shock to them to have someone say, “good morning,”

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Which of the statements from the notes speaks to you? I’d love to hear from you.

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Remember September 21!

If you live within driving distance of PUC, think about joining us for a choice theory study group!

Where: Foothills Elementary (just down the hill from PUC)

When:   Sept. 21, 2:00-4:00 pm

Attend services at one of the local churches (The Haven, next to the St. Helena Hospital, is close and they provide a lunch each week after church) and then head over to Foothills for choice theory ideas and support.
May 23, 2013 4 Comments

We WANT to Feel Good, Pt. 2

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In this post we will cover the WANT part of the phrase – We Want to Feel Good.

The income tax refund sat on the kitchen counter dwarfing the rest of the mail and beckoning for someone to come up with a way to spend it. Jack and Jill Hill, marriage partners for 12 years and the recipients of said check, are each beginning to lock in on a vision for its use. Jack, ever the romantic, envisions a get-away vacation to an exotic location; Jill, on the other hand, envisions something closer to home, like say, a new couch. As they tinkered in the kitchen, part putting groceries away and part putting something together for supper, Jack found himself assuming that Jill’s lack of excitement regarding a trip meant that time together wasn’t important to Jill – in fact, he wasn’t important to her.  At the same time, Jill found herself assuming that Jack didn’t understand that her home was an important reflection of herself.  She wanted it to be beautiful and was embarrassed by the stained, sagging couch they had had since they got married.  Not only does Jack not care about my feelings, he doesn’t really care about me.

One of the ingenious elements of choice theory is a place in our brains called the quality world. Not only ingenious, it may be the most important element of all the pieces that make up the choice theory model. Its genius lies in the simple way it describes the complex process of why we do what we do. Understanding the concept of the quality world, especially our own personal quality worlds, leads to understanding what motivates us.

Ted Miller, who teaches Math at a high school near you, is frustrated that only a few of his 2nd period students seem to care about doing well in his class. Hector is one of those students. It’s like it satisfies a need inside of him when he does well in class. Gavin, on the other hand, is almost the exact opposite. He cuts up and clowns around in class constantly. It’s like .  .  . (a light bulb is about to go on in Ted Miller’s head), it’s like it satisfies a need inside of him when he gets attention for being the clown.

As said before, every person is born with a unique set of basic needs, but unlike many animals, humans do not arrive with a set of instructions as to how to meet those needs. From birth, human beings begin to learn how to meet their need for purpose and meaning, love and belonging, power and achievement, freedom and autonomy, joy and fun, and survival and safety. A behavior that results in a need being met is then stored as a picture in our personal quality world. This picture book is like a scrapbook in our heads in which we store the people, places, activities, beliefs, and things that help us meet one or more of the needs or that brings us a greater feeling of control. We put these behavioral pictures into our mental scrapbooks; we can also take pictures out of our scrapbooks. In other words, this process is purposeful.

Karina just about slams the plastic mixing bowl into a sink already cluttered with other mixing bowls from the supper she has created. She got the idea for a special meal this evening as everyone was headed out the door, scattershot, to school, to work, quick yells of good-by thrown over shoulders, earlier that morning. She planned the menu throughout the day. They needed to be together more as a family she thought. Now, as her husband finished mowing the lawn and her kids lingered in their rooms upstairs, the food was getting cold on a beautifully set table. A dish towel clenched in one hand, a serving spoon clenched in the other, Karina fumed as she pondered how to convey her anger.

It is important to understand that putting and keeping a behavioral picture in our quality world creates a target that we want the events in our lives to hit, or put more accurately, that we want the significant people in our lives to hit on our behalf. Putting a behavioral picture in our quality world is like setting a thermostat for a certain temperature. The thermostat monitors whether or not the desired temperature is present. If it isn’t it sends a signal to a heater or an air conditioner to do their thing. The temperature is the focus; that preset level of cool or warm becomes the target to achieve and maintain. Similarly, by putting a picture in our quality world we have formed a picture of the expected behavior of others, we have formed, at least in our mind, the way events or circumstances must go. Like the thermostat, when our quality world pictures aren’t fulfilled we send a signal to another place in our brain, the behavioral center, to do something about it. This moment, the moment when we are urged to do something often involves us trying to change the behavior of another person so that he or she will show up in a way that matches our preset picture. The behavioral center, though, we will save for another time.

For now, just think about the quality world pictures you have in your own brain. Some of those pictures are wonderful, like a relationship with a grandchild or an accomplishment at work, and lead to personal needs being satisfied. Other of our pictures, though, like expectations we have of a spouse or the way we want other drivers to navigate the road around us, are the cause of a lot of frustration and even anger. When an unmet need is important enough, given time, it can lead to emotional and physical distress. It is easy to get in the habit of thinking that these quality world pictures, these expectations, just arrived in our head somehow, almost like we are the victim of an expectation. Choice theory explains that rather than being a victim, we intentionally place certain pictures in our head for a reason. Understanding the quality world process can go a long way toward releasing the pressure within us and putting a smile back on our face.

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I encourage you to FOLLOW the blog and become a part of The Better Plan community. Remember to let colleagues and friends know of The Better Plan blog, too. Just enter   thebetterplan.org   and you’re there.

Keep in mind that the Soul Shapers workshops at Pacific Union College will take place next month.

Soul Shapers 1   June 17-20

Soul Shapers 2   June 24-27

Sign up for summer courses at PUC at:  www.puc.edu/summer-teacher

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