Posts tagged “choice theory”
January 9, 2013 3 Comments

Vexed in California

A letter from a small schools head teacher –

I have an 8th grade boy who is quite bright all around. He has mild ADHD. Since I’ve had him in my classroom (this is the third year) he has been difficult to motivate to do school work. I’ve tried everything I can think of: Allowing him to choose the subject matter, choosing and designing his own projects, picking his partners, etc. The end result has often been that he just won’t do it. Sometimes he lies and says that he was really busy the night before, but when I ask his mother she says that they weren’t busy, and that he told her that he had finished his work. Other times he just says, “I didn’t do it.” During the student-led parent-teacher conferences he has said more than once that he would rather be playing video games or watching TV, or hanging out with his family instead of doing his work. Though he is bright, his grades don’t reflect it because he doesn’t produce very much work. It is very frustrating. I’ve tried to motivate him by finding out what he wants to be when he grows up, and telling him how what we are learning will help him become that. I’ve also showed him how not doing his work will be detrimental to his desire to do the job he wants to do. Sometimes that will motivate him a little, but his overall behavior hasn’t changed. I’ve also taught the students about how to study, take notes, keep a portfolio of work, how to have good study habits, when to study, where to study, etc. Again, nothing. So I need advice if you think you can help.
Sincerely,
Vexed in California

Dear Vexed,
People are so unique and I don’t want to sound like I have this figured out. Of the options that Mike has been offered (I’ll refer to him as Mike) he is finding his present behavior the most need-satisfying. Why he is choosing this behavior becomes our puzzle to lovingly consider. Several possible areas come to mind.

1) You are doing so many things right on Mike’s behalf. I can tell you are willing to do a great deal to help him. In a way, what you are doing for him is evidence that stimulus-response approaches don’t always work. If stimulus-response theory was true, given all of the right stimuli you are giving him, Mike would be tackling his schoolwork. But for reasons that are unique and important to him, he isn’t. This may sound counterintuitive, but pulling back, combined with developing compassionate boundaries, may be part of the answer. By pulling back I don’t mean giving him the silent treatment or being quietly disgusted at his lack of effort. I just mean conveying to him that you realize you can’t make him do his work, that you will continue to be open to suggestions on what will make the learning better for him, that you will give him feedback on how he is doing, including giving him grades on what he does or doesn’t do, but that it is up to him whether he does the work or not. Try to convey this to him in a warm, sincere tone. Let him know you believe in him and that you have been so caught up in wanting him to succeed that you may have missed something. Admit that you don’t know what it is that you have missed, but that you care about him and hope that he is ok. I would then let the situation go. When he misses an assignment, acknowledge it, but pull back from the normal teacher response. Begin to let him know that he is in the driver’s seat of his life.

I don’t know what is or isn’t happening at home. Somehow his performance at school is tied to quality world pictures he has regarding home. You mentioned that he would rather be hanging out with his family. Does he get very much of that kind of time with the people that are most important to him? Are his parents still together? Divorced?

During one of our interviews I did a word association activity with Glasser. I asked him to quickly respond to words that I would say. One of the words was motivate. He surprised me a bit when he said he wasn’t real fond of the word motivate or motivation. For him the word motivate had a tone of other control, like someone outside of you trying to make you do something. People with high power needs want to call their own shots and decide what needs to be done and when it needs to be done. They often don’t want or need other people motivating them to do things a certain way. People with high freedom needs are very sensitive to feeling pressured. They tend to shut down and drag their feet when they feel that others are trying to make them do something. I haven’t met Mike, but for some reason I have this sense that it might be more about freedom with him, than it is about power. In both cases—whether about power or freedom—your doing exactly the right thing, if the right things were ultimately about motivating him, may be unwittingly contributing to the problem.

2) Keep in mind the developmental needs of a middle school student. It is an essential, yet incredibly complicated, time of life. As he should be, Mike is beginning to separate from the significant adults in his life. He is becoming more aware of his I am-ness. More than ever he needs a sane adult to help him navigate territory that is new to him, to help him deal with thoughts and feelings that he very likely doesn’t know what to do with himself. Middle schoolers are so unique. One moment they are holding a parent’s hand at an event in which they may be scared or shy, the next moment they are acting like they don’t have parents. Her? I’ve never seen her before. Mixing the natural developmental needs I just described with the basic needs and quality world pictures mentioned above can definitely create a challenge. So few in the public have any idea how challenging a teacher’s life can be.

3) Another area that comes to mind is that of the teacher him/herself. As teachers we have a set of basic needs and unique quality world pictures, too. When a student isn’t responding to a lesson I’ve worked hard to create, that experience doesn’t match the quality world picture I have in my head and it doesn’t help me meet my need for power or success. This is natural and there is nothing wrong with that mental process. It is what it is. We just have to remember to be careful to not go into a mode where we are more focused on meeting our need for power than we are of helping students to meet their need for power. It is so easy to go into the BIRG mode. BIRG stands for Basking In Reflected Glory. In other words, when my student or child does well and others see his/her competence shining forth, I can bask in his/her reflected accomplishments. If he/she is doing well it must be because of my parenting or my teaching. It is easy for this way of thinking to become a part of us, but when it does it subtly begins to add elements of toxicity in our relationships. Kids are aware of this dynamic and don’t like it.

Mike is fortunate to have you as his teacher. I want to encourage you as you guide and support him toward healthy independence. I would love to hear about how he is doing in the future. Stay in touch.
January 2, 2013 2 Comments

Dagnabit! Pt. 2

Besides the deadly habits derailing our New Year’s resolutions, something else to consider is the strength of the behavior with which we are dealing. Wanting to eat differently is a common New Year’s goal, and on the surface that goal seems simple enough, but our eating habits often revolve around much deeper issues in our lives than simply taking food and swallowing it. Behaviors can become forms of self-medication. We want to feel good and over time we discover behaviors that satisfy our needs. We don’t refer to certain kinds of food as comfort food for nothing.

Some self-medicating behaviors, like gambling or use of illicit drugs, are inherently destructive, while many others, like shopping or eating or even sex, are not necessarily bad in themselves, yet they can become destructive as we give them more power than they deserve. Self-medicating is by nature an addictive process, a complex process that involves nature, nurture, and choice factors. Engaging in a particular activity, or even thinking about the activity, bathes our brain cells in a way that results in either pleasure or a at least a release from the pain.

The power of addictive behaviors can be incredibly strong, leading us to do things that leave us incredulous at our own weakness and disgusted with our self-imprisonment. A book that compassionately, yet firmly and candidly describes the comprehensive and compelling power of addiction, especially drug and alcohol addiction, is titled In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts (2010), by Gabor Mate. Describing the lives of drug addicts in Vancouver, British Columbia, Mate persuasively explains why the current war on drugs does nothing to curb the addict’s drive for a fleeting moment of satisfaction. The book also makes a case for all addictions basically being the same. Whether we are a hardcore drug addict or a housewife desperate to do some online shopping, addiction is addiction. Behaviors that weaken us and lessen our ability to have control over our lives are negative addictions. It is possible, though, according to William Glasser, for certain habits (e.g.- exercising, devotional meditations, creative hobbies, etc.) to add strength and self-control to our lives, to literally be positive addictions. For more on Glasser’s views check out Positive Addiction, which was published in 1976.

At a New Year’s Eve gathering we got to talking about New Year’s resolutions and a friend shared that he had heard that as of June each calendar year, that of the people who had made resolutions, 40% of them were still keeping their new commitment. I felt that number was way high, but I do agree that a percentage of us are able to make and keep behavior change commitments. For some of us we know that we aren’t exercising enough and we start exercising; for some of us we know that we are eating to much sugar and we cut back; and for some of us we know that we’re spending too much time playing video games and we stop. For others of us, though, it isn’t that simple. Some of us are in a battle for our lives.

If a behavior has become a self-medicating behavior, then we need to acknowledge and respect it for what it has become. We made choices that invited that behavior into our lives. It felt right or important enough at the moment. And we have repeatedly affirmed that choice, sometimes for many years. The behavior has become a “friend” that we can count on. True, this “friend” is a bully and cares nothing for our real happiness. But we prefer a terrible friend we can count on over other options that seem out of our reach. If this kind of self-medicating behavior has become a part of your life, be aware that a simple resolution sometime around the end of December or beginning of January isn’t going to cut it. The cause of the challenge lies deeper than a New Year’s promise can affect.

Self-medicating, addictive behaviors can be dealt with! There is most definitely hope! To begin to gain the victory over behavior that weaken and trap, I recommend the following:
1) Take an honest personal inventory and admit the largeness of your addiction. Recognize that the behavior has become a thief of your power and your joy.
2) Bring your inventory to the Holy Spirit, admit your inability to effectively deal with the behavior, and seek His cleansing and strengthening might. He is anxious to share His insight and muscle with you.
3) Begin to learn about how our brains actually work. Seek to understand the source of your own motivation. For me, choice theory offered the best explanation of human psychology and provided details into how God created us a free will beings. (My goal is to write a follow-up book to Soul Shapers that will describe choice theory, along with how it shows up in our lives.)

Just remember that real change, lasting change occurs from the inside-out, and that not even pressure we afflict on ourselves from the outside-in, also known as the deadly habits, will make a positive difference. I am so glad that Romans 8:1, 2 comes right after Romans 7:18-25.

“And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.* I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power* within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to Him, the power of life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. Romans 7:18 – 8:2.
December 28, 2012 2 Comments

Hey, 2013! I’m makin a change, dagnabit!

More than any other time of the year, New Year’s has us thinking about choices. What follows are some choice theory thoughts as we ring in 2013.

We call them resolutions. When day 365 of 2012 is over we want a new beginning on day 1 of 2013. We know what we want, we know what’s needed, and we make a promise, a commitment. And not just any promise. This is really a promise, dagnabit! In spite of the intensity of their intention, for many their New Year’s promise goes by the wayside and the old habit rushes back in to fill its rightful place. As sincere as we are when we identify a new behavior that we want to become a part of our life, it may be that external control thinking is setting us up for failure.

External control thinking is based on a stimulus-response approach to life. This approach relies on the belief that people can be manipulated through well-placed rewards and punishments. Most of us know this approach pretty well. We were raised with it (often by well-meaning parents), and it was used on us in school. In fact, it seems to be everywhere. Choice theory explains that external control is destructive on so many levels. When used in management external control strategies ultimately reduce the quality of the product being sold, whether the product be a service or a thing. And more importantly, whether it is used in the workplace or at home, external control harms relationships. This seems to be especially true when it comes to the relationship we most value–that being our relationship with our spouse. A therapist once shared with me that over 90% of his clients would rather be right than married. I think it would be even more accurate to say that his clients would rather be in control of their partner than connect with him/her in unconditional acceptance.

Externally controlling behaviors are so destructive to relationships that they are referred to as deadly habits. Examples of deadly habits include criticizing, blaming, threatening, punishing, and bribing. To get others to fulfill our expectations (or even just to gain a slight feeling of control) we rely on these habits. Over time we can become especially good at one or two of these ways of being. It is interesting and sad that so many of us stick with the deadly habit approach, even as we can see that they don’t help us get what we really want. (What we really want is intimacy with our spouse–spiritually, emotionally, and physically.) I guess that little feeling of control we get when we use a deadly habit is worth it to us. Maybe it’s pride, too.

So, what do the deadly habits have to do with our New Year’s resolutions? Just this. For those of us who have marinated in an external control world, we not only apply the deadly habits with our colleagues and loved ones, we apply them to ourselves. We criticize and blame ourselves for eating too much, or not exercising enough, or not praying enough, or watching too much TV. And we bribe, threaten and even punish ourselves when don’t behave accordingly. I am convinced that the deadly habits work no better on ourselves than they do on others. The sincerity of our desire and the intensity of our commitment cannot overrule a foundation built on external control.

The key is understanding that we were designed by our Creator to be internally motivated and controlled, rather than controlled by others or circumstances outside of us. We behave in ways that are need-satisfying to us. Take note here — I didn’t say we behave in ways that are good for us. We behave in a way that satisfies a need. Coming into an understanding of our needs and the ways in which we satisfy them will help in our efforts to make better choices. Berating and bullying ourselves may have some short term success, but ultimately our success lies in understanding our internal control design.

More when New Year’s, Pt. 2 is posted.
December 25, 2012 6 Comments

Christmas and Choice Theory

I have been thinking about Christmas and choice theory and I have come to the conclusion that they are wonderfully connected!

My logic goes like this. Christmas marks the moment that God gave up His riches and glory to become one of us with our weakness and poverty. He entered a literal battlefield, a war zone, as a vulnerable, tiny baby. The Christ Child was the Commander of heaven’s armies, though, and He ultimately came to wreak havoc on the enemy’s schemes. Luke described how the choir that announced the Child’s arrival to the shepherds was actually made up of “the armies of heaven.” Luke 2:13, 14 This incredible display was God’s way of saying Game On. And John declares that “The Son of God came to destroy the works of the devil.” 1 John 3:8

The works of the devil are bad news. Driven by his hatred of God’s Son, the same Child Commander who would eventually arrive in a smelly stable in Bethlehem, he would do everything he could to deface and hurt God’s creation. Having already lured over a third of the angels to distrust God and join him in forming a new government, he focused on convincing us, the crowning work of God’s creative power, to distrust God, too. We chose to believe the devil, to seek a higher place, to go our own way, to align ourselves with the new, alternative government. A void was formed between humans and their Creator and the attributes of the new government–fear and insecurity–rushed in to fill this space. Instead of the self-control with which we were created, the devil took advantage of our allegiance to him and sought to capture us in his trap, to chain us within his dungeon, to addict us in behaviors from which their appeared no escape.

How fortunate for us that when the Commander Child arrived in the humble Bethlehem stable it was in fulfillment of the prophecy of Isaiah. Thirty years later, as Commander Messiah, He would read this prophecy in the synagogue as a declaration of His mission. “I have come to release the captives and set the prisoners free.” Isaiah 61:1 God’s government is based on freedom, on the power to choose, on the ability to be in control of our thinking and behavior. Immanuel-the God with us Child-came to win back our freedom to choose, to level an unfair playing field, to give us back to ourselves.

The manger and the cross were one from the beginning. The Child was born in the shadow of death. Yet by His death we are healed, the shackles are unlocked, the prisons of our lives are opened. Through His Spirit we are free. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind.” 2Tim. 1:7 This freedom, this power to choose, this ability to be who you want to be, is so important to God that He was willing to give up everything to insure its future. It was and is a universal non-negotiable.

Choice theory explains how we are motivated from within for reasons that are uniquely personal to us, and that we choose to behave in a way that we think will best meet our needs at that moment. How incredible that God would create us with this kind of autonomy.! Let Christmas be a reminder of the freedom that God not only created us with, but also of His return to redeem us as Commander Child. Game on at the manger! Game won at the cross! We are free!

Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised as he was. Our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. Romans 6:5-7
December 20, 2012 1 Comment

It’s THE better plan

The phrase “the better plan” did not make it as the title of the book. Soul Shapers took that distinction. The Soul Shapers title was better than The Blindfolded Dolphin, however it could be misleading if a reader thought that it was his/her role to shape the souls of the children in his/her care. During one of our conversations regarding the title one of the Review editors informed me that the subtitle of the book would be A Better Plan for Parents and Educators. I was glad that the phrase “better plan” was going to be on the cover, but wondered aloud why it was going to be printed as “A” better plan, rather than “The” better plan. She explained that “A” made it sounded more open and allowed for their being other good plans, too. Proclaiming it as “The” better plan made it sound like it was THE way and that there weren’t other ways that might be good, too. I replied that the phrase “the better plan” was not my idea. I didn’t come up with that emphasis. I got the idea from the following quote –

“Those who train their pupils to feel that the power lies in themselves to become men and women of honor and usefulness, will be the most permanently successful. Their work may not appear to the best advantage to careless observers, and their labor may not be valued so highly as that of the instructor who holds absolute control, but the after-life of the pupils will show the results of the better plan of education.” Fundamentals of Christian Education, p. 57

In referring to “the better plan” in this blog I have often written it as ” . . . the better plan . . .”, rather than “The Better Plan.” I have surrounded the phrase with ellipses to emphasize that it is a part of something bigger, some important things that come before and something important that comes after. One of the important things that comes before is the idea that our motivation is internally driven, not externally controlled by others. I believe God designed us with freedom to choose and that ultimately He died on the cross to preserve this freedom. Another important thing that comes before is a description of a teacher that prefers control and compliance, rather than guidance and freedom. An important thing that comes after is the reference to “the after-life.” which to me means both the life we lead after we leave school and, most importantly, the life we lead eternally. That this topic has eternal implications makes it really important to me.

I grew up a PK – that is, a preacher”s kid. My dad passed away before Soul Shapers came out in 2005. If he had lived long enough, I think he would have been very pleased at its being published, although the concepts of internal, rather than external, control would have been a stretch for him. His upbringing as a child and the views of his generation, in general, would have led to a steep learning curve with these non-traditional ideas. I don’t know that he always got it right when it came to non-coercive living and leadership. One thing he did get right (and he had many) was his value of and support for Christian education. When it came to “his” church school he talked the talk and walked the walk. He was always involved in a project to raise money for the school. (Many of these were smaller projects, but some were bigger, like the time he planted and harvested 50 acres of sunflowers.) His Education sermons frequently included a reference to what he called an “education blueprint” that, I now assume, could allegedly be found in the Spirit of Prophecy. As I mentioned in Soul Shapers, after 35 years in Adventist education, and after a lot of time spent in the Spirit of Prophecy, I am not aware of a blueprint for SDA education. The phrase . . . the better plan . . . comes the closest to it as far as I know. To me . . . the better plan . . . captures the idea that children (and adults for that matter) are in the process of forming their own characters and as significant adults in their lives we have the privilege of guiding, modeling, inviting, persuading, and inspiring them to form characters that serve others and honor God. And so I have embraced . . . the better plan . . . I like it, in fact, enough to name this blog after it.