March 15, 2013 5 Comments

A Grandmother’s Journal

I recently read a blog entitled 7 Questions You Will Ask at the End of Your Life. The author described how he had found a journal written by his grandmother after she passed away and that the questions appeared in her final entry. I found the questions to be thought-provoking and choice theory friendly. See what you think.

1. Am I proud of how I lived?
2. What did I discover?
3. How well did I play the hand I was dealt?
4. Did I take enough responsibility?
5. What struggles did I conquer?
6. How sincerely did I live through love?
7. How much of my story did I actually write?

These questions get you to thinking, don’t they? As a teacher I am aware of how powerful a well-worded question can be. You may even now be reflecting on your journey, wondering how the answers for these questions are playing out for you. Most of us still have time to write new answers to the questions, which is pretty awesome when you think of it.

Besides reflecting on your own journey, I invite you to evaluate the questions and determine whether any of them could have been written better. In fact, can you think of a question that got left off of the list, a question that should have been included? Who says there are only seven questions you will ask at the end of your life? Maybe there are twelve questions, or seventeen questions. Share your question(s) with the rest of us. I look forward to hearing from you.

(The seven questions can be found at the Marc and Angel Hack Life blogsite at www.marcandangel.com.)
March 7, 2013 4 Comments

Lead Management and Car Washing

From a fellow choice theorist in southern California —

The weather had been nice for awhile and when I got home from work the other day I decided to wash the car. My almost-three son, Jacob, was playing at his train table and on the way back to my bedroom to change clothes I asked him if he wanted to help me. He said that he would like to do that. By the time I changed, my wife and mother-in-law were getting ready to leave and take our three dogs for a walk, assuming that Jacob would be going with them. He declined though, and said he wanted to stay and work on the car project. I was kind of touched by that, although Jacob is a bit of a homebody at the moment.

The dog-walking group headed out and I proceeded to collect things for the car wash. I like to do things in a certain way. For instance, when washing the car I get all the supplies out–the sponges, the bucket, the soap, the ArmorAll, the rags, the vacuum cleaner, the vacuum attachments, and a small trash can. I like to thoroughly do the inside of the car first, and then finish with washing the outside. I start by getting everything out of the car, including the floor mats. I throw any trash items into the trash can and vacuum everything. I was basically going through this routine, getting the shop vac out from the garage, when Jacob, standing on the front porch, asked me if the vacuum was going to be noisy. I said that it would make some noise, but not too much. He said that he thought it would make a lot of noise and explained that he would probably go back inside the house. I wondered what to do at this point, as no one was home, and I was supposed to be supervising him. I continued plugging the shop vac in as he moved toward the front door. I asked him to leave the front door open, intending to check on him regularly.

I started vacuuming and noticed that he was back standing on the front porch. Apparently, the noise wasn’t too loud after all. After vacuuming one side of the car, I started to ArmorAll the dashboard area. It was about then that it hit me. Jacob had said he wanted to help me wash the car, but I was doing it in a way that eliminated him. At the rate I was going the dog-walkers would be back around the same time I was ready to wash the outside and Jacob would probably want to head into the house with them. I realized I needed to change the order in which I usually did things. So, I cleared away all the inside-the-car cleaning stuff from the driveway, and got out all of the outside-the-car cleaning stuff.

Jacob picked one of the sponges as I put some car washing soap into the bucket and began to fill it with water, creating overflowing foam in the process. He was joyful as the foam in the bucket grew and talked about his sponge and how he was going to wash the car. He lightly touched his sponge to the foamy bubbles, never submerging it down into the water beneath, and then moved to the car where he then just as lightly touched the bubbles to the headlight. “Look,” he said. “I’m cleaning the light!”

“Excellent,” I replied. “I really appreciate your help.” We continued “working” together, him often re-doing places I had just rinsed for the final time (I thought), until mom and grandma returned. Jacob actually didn’t head into the house with them when they got back, but instead stayed with car washing job. I liked having his company a lot!

“From what I understand, one of the traits of a lead-manager is that he will try to fit the work to the needs and abilities of the student, rather than forcing the student to fit the needs of the work.”

Later in the evening it struck me that, while I didn’t really do it intentionally, that maybe I had acted like a lead-manager when washing the car with Jacob. From what I understand, one of the traits of a lead-manager is that he will try to fit the work to the needs and abilities of the student, rather than forcing the student to fit the needs of the work. I guess that’s how you say it. I wasn’t thinking, ok, now what would a lead-manager do? It just hit me, what would be best for Jacob? Even though I had to change my usual practice and do things in a different order (gasp!), it wasn’t that big of a deal and it made a huge difference in Jacob’s involvement. I think lead-management has a lot to do with my own thinking and comfort zones, rather than on what I am doing to my students.

Another thing I realized was how sincere Jacob was in his desire to work and to help. He was doing his best and wanted to contribute. I suppose I could have criticized and scolded him for occasionally adding to my work, but to what end. (A Gary Larson cartoon comes to mind, which I have included below.) At two years of age I just wanted to affirm his desire to help and to make his car washing experience as positive as possible. As he developmentally matures, then my communication will change, too. For instance, I will coach on how to clean the wheels and tires and will offer tips on how to get sap off. Through it all, though, I will want to keep the principles of affirmation and appreciation in mind.

Dog mowing lawn cartoon

Choice theory can really begin at birth. It’s more than just giving kids choices. It has a lot to do with how I show up as the parent or the teacher. My expectations set the tone. To that end, I look forward to many more car washes with Jacob. I always want him to feel the same way.
February 28, 2013 6 Comments

Why Fulfill Your Own Dreams, When Your Kids Can Do It For You?

As with each of the 7 Worst Mistakes that Good Parents Make, #7–Your kids fulfilling your dreams–is sneaky. A parent can look like he cares about how his child is doing, can come across like he simply yearns for his child to be successful, and that he wants this for the child’s sake, when really he wants it for his own ego needs. Each of the 7 Mistakes has this quality, that being that parents can look like they’re doing what they’re doing for one reason, when in fact they are really doing it for another reason. So, with that brief introduction in mind, let’s consider the last of the Mistakes Good Parents Make through the lens of choice theory.

Why Fulfill Your Own Dreams, When Your Kids Can Do It For You?

Roger Pope is livid as he leaves the school gymnasium and heads to the parking lot. Although his son played in the game that just finished, he wasn’t a starter. And when he was on the court his talents were not really featured as they should have been. Mr. Pope will be confronting the coach tomorrow about that. Peter Bolls is sensing his daughter’s enthusiasm to become a doctor is faltering and he feels his frustration rising. He wants to straighten her thinking out — now! There’s no way she is going to change her major and become a .  .  .  a teacher, of all things. As Marjorie Kent dropped her daughter off at school this morning, and watched her connect with a few of her friends as they all walked up the steps and into the main building, she wondered how popular her daughter was and about how good her grades were compared to others. She seemed to be accepted by the other students and respected by the school staff, but maybe not. Kids could be so fickle. Marjorie decided then and there to have a party at their house this coming weekend and have a lot of the kids over. Couldn’t hurt, she thought. Roger, Peter, and Marjorie all have something in common–their own needs are being met through the achievements and status of their children.

Alfie Kohn wrote about such parents in Only for My Kid, an article published in Kappan in 1998. Kohn cited cases in which schools that were attempting to create a curriculum in which all students could succeed were taken to task by parents whose kids were already successful. These parents actually undermined progressive reform efforts to teach more students effectively. When school officials tried to talk with these parents about specific learning strategies the parents expressed little interest or declined to listen at all. The only thing that mattered to them was that the school program continued to create pedestals on which their own child could stand and that would differentiate him/her from the others. Kohn referred to these parents as BIRG parents, using an acronym I have never forgotten and that seems to capture the essence of #7. BIRG stands for Basking in Reflected Glory. And as much as I want to point a condemning finger at the icky parents in Kohn’s article, the acronym also challenges me to self-evaluate the extent to which I may BIRGing.

BIRG stands for Basking in Reflected Glory.

It is the basic need for power and achievement that fuels a parent’s basking in the glory of his child. If our child is famous–it fulfills our desire for fame; if he or she is talented–others will think their talent came from us; if he or she has their act together–it is a reflection on our superior parenting. Much is at stake in this process. Usually, parent and child can survive this sometimes subtle and sometimes blatant manipulation. Sometimes, though, as depicted in the movie, Dead Poets’ Society, the result can be catastrophic.

BIRGing is really about exploitation. We want to gain an advantage, improve our own reputations, or increase our status through the accomplishments of our son or daughter. Our need for this status drives us to manipulate the behavior of the child whose fame train we are riding. It’s not only parents who BIRG. Teachers and even schools can BIRG, too. We proclaim and advertise our elite students’ skills and successes in the hope that others will want to go to our fantastic school as well. Look how good Megan is as a musician. She goes to our school! Or look at what an athlete Stephan is. He is one of our students! Whether at home or at school, kids pick up on this manipulation and they resent it. They don’t always understand what is going on, especially if they are young children, but they don’t like how it feels.

I don’t want to convey that parents can’t have hopes and dreams for their children, and it doesn’t mean they can’t try to influence their children in the direction of those dreams. The danger lies in parents ignoring or bulldozing the dreams of their children and replacing them with their own. Doing this for our own selfish reasons, so that our personal needs are the priority, only makes it worse. One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to help him or her discover their true identity and enable them to achieve their dreams. It is an unselfish act to do this, a legacy-creating act whose ripples will be felt for generations to come.

One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to help him or her discover their true identity and enable them to achieve their dreams.
February 23, 2013 1 Comment

Structure is my friend. Signed, Choice Theory

Number 6 on The 7 Worst Things list has to do with failing to give children structure. The idea of structure may seem in opposition to the ideas of choice theory, and indeed, some people get confused on how the two can go together. Let’s check #6 out together.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

2. Put your marriage last.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure.

A few choice theory things come to mind regarding children’s need for structure (actually, it’s not just children that benefit from structure) –

Lead-management and the middle of the road

When asked what the opposite of boss-management is, people will quickly suggest that it’s lead-management, which, to their surprise, isn’t correct. The opposite of boss-management is actually a management approach called laissez-faire. Boss-management relies on rewards and punishments and tends to over-manage in the process; laissez-faire relies on kids to manage themselves and tends to under-manage. On a spectrum, with laissez-faire on one side and boss-management on the other, lead-management actually falls between them. Lead-management has boundaries and guidelines and rules; the uniqueness of lead-management lies not in the absence of boundaries, but in the way you apply them.

Structure is our friend

Choice theory affirms the need for structure in the form of clear expectations, detailed instructions, reasonable boundaries, and consistent rules. A lead manager develops expectations and boundaries from a spirit that acknowledges the internal motivation of her students. She doesn’t want to set up or perpetuate a power struggle. Expectations and boundaries are created to improve the enjoyment and the success of everyone involved. Whether it’s children at home, students in the classroom, or employees at work, all of them appreciate knowing how to achieve more and have fun in the process.

The difference is in the application

Prior to their understanding choice theory, I have heard a few people say, “Well, if you can’t make kids do what you want them to do, I guess you just let them do whatever they want.” Nothing could be further from the truth! Both boss-managers and lead-managers have expectations and boundaries. The difference lies in how they apply the boundaries. Rather than bribing certain behaviors and punishing others,  lead managers want to guide behavior, first by creating a need-satisfying environment, second by invitation and persuasion, and third by gently requiring that reasonable boundaries be respected.

Getting out of trouble

Even when there is a warm, engaging environment; even when teachers or parents are attempting to create need-satisfying experiences; and even when the expectations and boundaries are clear and reasonable, children will cross the line and get in trouble. True, it will happen much less often in such an environment, but it will occasionally happen. Students in a lead-managed classroom know that they will need to get themselves out of what they got themselves into. If they have behaved in a way that has harmed a relationship, then they need to come up with a way to restore the relationship and keep it from being harmed in the future. They know they are supported in this process. Anger, threats, disgust, or guilt will not be directed at them. Usually, children and students know what to do to fix what they have done and can develop a plan to prevent it from happening again. Sometimes, they aren’t sure where to begin and if this is the case, the lead-manager parent or teacher is happy to help. Instead of arbitrary punishments that appear to quickly deal with the problem, yet really don’t address the issue at all, lead-managers take the time (in many cases this does not take much time at all) to help students understand what they have done and plan for better thinking and acting in the future.

It might seem counterintuitive, but there is actually freedom in structure. When the motive and underpinnings of structure are unselfish and designed to help and support others, rather than control them, structure is really good.

(I feel like I’ve left something out when it comes to structure and choice theory. Any ideas on what it might be?)

On to #7 in the next blog.

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.
February 21, 2013 4 Comments

Parent and Child – “best” friends?

Choice theory emphasizes the importance of positive, caring relationships. In fact, our mental health is dependent on our having good relationships with others. So with this in mind, some might wonder how a parent being in such a close relationship with his/her child could be a problem. First, let’s agree that there is a difference between being a true best friend, who always has the best good of his friend in mind, and a “best friend,” who likes to hang out and “do stuff.” It feels to me that #5 – Being your child’s best friend – is referring to the latter.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

2. Put your marriage last.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

5. Be your child’s best friend.

From a choice theory viewpoint, this is a really important topic! So many good things come out of parents being in good relationship with their children, and so many bad things come out of that relationship being broken. The more important the relationship (I’m hard-pressed to think of a relationship more important than the parent/child relationship), the more important it is to stay connected. Connection is everything; because as long as we are connected, we have influence. For a parent, influence is like gold.

The “best friend” from childhood was often rooted in insecurity, and was more about what could be gotten from the friendship, over what could be given. “Best friends” were there for the moment, like flavor-of-the-month ice cream, they tended to come and go. They had our back, for a while. They liked the same things, for a while, too. There isn’t necessarily a problem with having a “best friend.” It seems to be a rite of passage to have a best friend and to learn about being able to count on friends, as well as being disappointed by them. This is part of growing up. Problems occur, though, when parents behave in a way that mirrors childhood friendships. Young teachers, not used to being the adult presence and wanting to be on a buddy-buddy level with students, sometimes  learn about this problem the hard way. Most of them learn about what it means to be a professional and adjust their student relationships accordingly. A few do not make this adjustment and their careers can be cut short.

Parent and child have a special and unique friendship; theirs is a relationship like no other. Part of the uniqueness has to do with the challenge parents have to foster a warm, positive relationship, while also compassionately setting behavioral expectations within a consistent structure. Children want the warmth and acceptance that comes from a good friend, but they also want (yes, want) helpful structure and even limits in their lives. The warmth and acceptance between parent and child should last for a lifetime; the trick is knowing how and when to incrementally let go of the structure we have for our children and the limits we place on them.

6. Fail to give your child structure.

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.
February 15, 2013 2 Comments

Your Own Oxygen Mask First

Number four on the list – Ignore your emotional or spiritual life – seems very relevant to talk about within the context of choice theory. I will share a few thoughts below, however I am interested to hear from you regarding how tangible this one is for you as a teacher or as a parent. What kinds of differences do you see in yourself or in your students or children when you put your spiritual life on a back burner? How long does it take to see these changes? Let me know. On to #4.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

2. Put your marriage last.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

People that use commercial air travel a lot can probably finish the stewardess’s pre-flight set of directions for her. These directions include something like this –

We do not anticipate a change in cabin pressure; should it occur individual oxygen masks will drop  from the compartment overhead. Pull down on the mask until the plastic tubing is fully extended as this activates the flow of oxygen. Place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. For those of you traveling with small children, secure yourself first, then assist the child. Continue wearing the mask until otherwise notified by a crewmember.

This scenario is a classic example of an everyday occurrence in which we as adults really do need to take care of ourselves first. It is an especially good lead-in to the importance of teachers and parents nurturing their own spiritual and emotional health, because we cannot give what we don’t have.

One of the choice theory axioms is that the only person we can control is ourselves. This, hopefully, reminds us that instead of putting our energy into forcibly shaping the spiritual lives of our children, our time and effort is much better spent on gently bringing ourselves into alignment with God’s will for our own lives. It is easy to forget about the power of example, about how effective modeling is as a teaching tool.

Choice theory describes two basic management approaches – one approach is referred to as boss management, while the other is referred to as lead management. Simply put, boss management relies on external control strategies like punishment and reward to manipulate others, while lead management acknowledges the internal control mechanism that God placed in each of us.

The following quote seems to capture the concept of lead management and the importance of adults caring for their own emotional and spiritual lives about as well as any quote I have ever seen. We’ll close with this thought, but I encourage you to memorize the sentence and reflect on what it means. Let the thought inspire you.

Let it never be forgotten that the teacher must be what he desires his pupils to become.                              Fundamentals of Christian Education, p. 58

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.
February 10, 2013 2 Comments

I Know What’s Best for My Kid! Don’t I?

This past week was a bit full for me. The beginning of the week had very important appointments for our Education Department at PUC, and then I headed out on the road on Thursday through Sabbath, visiting teachers in Santa Cruz and Mountain View and then preaching in Lodi for their Education Sabbath. Last weekend I worked on trying to improve the access to the blog through Google, but now I am wondering if I did more harm than good. Let me know if anything has changed for the worse as far as The Better Plan blog on your end. With that said, let’s move on to #3 on the 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do list – Push your child into too many activities.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

2. Put your marriage last.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

For me, #3 and #7 are related, however there are differences between them, too. I will try to keep my comments separated for these two important areas and focus on the essence of each of them.

Much has been written on this phenomena, which is a more recent development in terms of sociology and culture, as those of us from the Boomer generation did not have to deal with this as kids. Maybe we had a parent who “forced” us to practice our piano lessons, but for the most part we were left to our devices to form friendships and engage in neighborhood play in all of its various forms. I am not sure of the official starting point when parents began to become so active in involving their children in so many planned activities, but at some point this shift occurred. At some point, too, maybe at the same time, we started assigning labels to the different parenting styles. We have come to view a tough, non-negotiating style as being a Tiger Mom; to a hovering, over-involved style as being a Helicopter parent; and to a more hands-off  approach as being a Free-Range parent. These are just a few of the labels. There are many more. Rather than dissect each of these approaches, which isn’t possible in my short comments here, I will try to focus on the essence of #3, the Agenda parent, through a choice theory lens. (I will use feminine pronouns exclusively to make the writing smoother, but masculine pronouns could be used just as easily.)

Like all human beings, an Agenda parent is urged by her basic needs to fulfill the quality world pictures she has identified and stored in her quality world mental scrapbook. I could see several basic need possibilities here. I could see the survival need, which has a lot to do with safety, urge a parent to be more vigilant in supervision. Rather than allowing a child to roam the neighborhood, like so many of us Boomers did, parents, still wanting a full life for their children, parents are willing to plan a full-plate of organized and supervised activities. I can see the power need (which we will talk about a lot more when we cover #7) urge a parent to place their children in what they think will be the best position for future success. And I can see the love and belonging need urge parents to get and keep their child involved with other children. It might be a way for parents to stay connected to other parents who are also bringing their students to soccer games and ballet practice and art class.

It would be instructive for an Agenda parent to honestly (maybe brutally honestly) reflect on whose quality world pictures are being targeted and pursued – the parent’s or the child’s? A parent might ask, “How does my child being in so many activities and having such a grueling schedule meet my needs?” The parent might respond with “It’s not about my needs! I am doing all this driving around and paying all the money for these activities for my child. It’s for her that I am doing this!” But choice theory would gently, but firmly, question that and suggest otherwise. Ultimately, it is highly, highly likely that an Agenda parent is creating full agendas for her child because of needs she has as a parent, rather than for the genuine needs of her child.

Are some activities good for our children to experience? Of course. Is it ever appropriate to push our children into things they don’t think they want to do? It might be, however I would be careful on this one. I think it is possible, even with young children, to begin to include their input when it comes to forming the agenda for their lives. The goal is to recognize that they are in the process of forming their own quality world picture books and to respect their individuality and uniqueness as they identify the things and skills they really want to embrace. As adults we just need to admit that our quality world pictures for our children are just that, OUR quality world pictures. It may be that we will influence them to embrace our quality world pictures – children often do follow in the footsteps of their parents – but it may be that they do not. Allowing them that freedom and supporting them in their discovery is such a huge gift!

I don’t know if this anecdote from my past will help clarify regarding the agenda issue, but we will end with this nonetheless –

When our children were younger we lived on the west coast, while my parents and sister’s family lived in the Orlando area. For a period of quite a few years my family would travel to Florida to spend time with loved ones and, well .  .  . play. There is so much to do in the Orlando area – Disney, Marineworld, Universal Studios, etc., etc. – which is great, however it all costs quite a bit. The Orlando part of the family all had season passes to the various attractions. We, on the other hand, had to come up admission fees. For several years, I took it upon myself, “knowing” that my family wanted to go these places, and knowing that I wanted to go to these places, to find the money to pay for the entrance passes. It was my kids and wife that eventually brought it to my attention that, if was up to them, they would just as soon spend more time at the (east coast) beaches (for free) than at the amusement parks. I had assumed they wanted to go the parks, when in fact that really wasn’t what they wanted. My agenda had ruled supreme, and cost me more money in the process. Our kids often want a simpler life than we assume. Mostly, they just want us.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure.

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.
February 2, 2013 2 Comments

Kids Need Happily Married Parents. Go figure.

We talked about mistake #1 in the last blog. Let’s move on to #2 – Put your marriage last.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

2. Put your marriage last.

I wonder if the statement “Putting your marriage” last is even accurate. It seems like it would be a more accurate statement if it read “Acting like you’re putting your marriage last.” More often, I think, marriage partners very much want to experience intimacy—spiritually, emotionally, and physically—with each other. Something gets in the way of achieving intimacy, though, and partners recede back into coping mechanisms that are wrapped in hurt and pride. It may look like the partnership isn’t a priority, that work responsibilities or other friends or even their children, are keeping them from focusing on each other, but it isn’t really true.

Choice theory teaches that the only person we can control is ourselves.

It also teaches that we intentionally behave in a way that will either bring us what we want, especially when it comes to the way others, like our spouse, treats us, or in a way that at least brings us a feeling of control.

It is this willingness to settle for a little feeling of control, rather than lovingly, humbly, and energetically going for deeper levels of intimacy that creates and maintains a “cold war” home atmosphere, a distance between partners, and even a coping numbness. Consider the following scenario –

I have a quality world picture in my head about how I would like my wife to treat me when I arrive at home after work. Upon my walking through the door, this picture involves her jumping up, doing two back handsprings toward me, and then kissing me deeply and passionately. Alas, this picture doesn’t take place. Instead, she says hi and asks me how my day has gone. I am hurt and frustrated that once again my pictures aren’t being matched. She is watching a program on TV, but seems interested in me, even asking me to come join her. I politely decline, trying to sound friendly, grab some food from the kitchen, and head to the back of the house to watch a program of my choosing. I have not come across with a major silent treatment behavior, yet I have had what I refer to as a mini-withdrawal, a seemingly small decision to just do my thing. However, much more has happened here than a small withdrawal. I yearned for what I thought was a major connection, an intimate moment, but I settled for something much less. I withdrew into aloneness. You are probably thinking that my quality world picture involving handsprings and wet kisses was ridiculous to begin with. To that I would say you are right. It was ridiculous. Unfortunately, even ridiculous pictures exert a powerful influence on our behavior. Fortunately, though, we choose and shape the pictures that go into our quality world. Appropriate, realistic pictures help a lot. Another thing to consider, too, is this: If I wanted my wife to welcome me with two back handsprings and a kiss, what prevents me from greeting her with handsprings and a kiss? Oh, I might say to that suggestion, she has to make the first move. She is the one that needs to change, I reason. Keeping in mind what she desires, why can’t I be the person that I would like her to be? It is scenarios like these that play in a million variations every day. We settle for roommate status instead of going for an intimate partnership.

Our children see this dance of control play out in front of their eyes day after day. It is true that a good marriage is good for the mental health of the spouses. Having good relationships, especially one as significant as marriage, is incredibly important to us. It is also true, though, that a good marriage is good for the mental health of kids. They root for their parents to be happy and to treat each other well. The energy of the home environment is palpable and obvious, regardless of adult efforts to hide the anger and protect their kids from the dysfunction. A happy, healthy energy in the home is good for everyone. Kids do not begrudge appropriate and loving attention that their parents give to one another. Instead, they feed off of it; they learn from it. Someday they will have a home of their own and it will, for good or for bad, for happiness or for unhappiness, tend to mirror the homes of their childhood.

A recent article, Marriage Is Not a 24/7 Sleepover Party, in The Atlantic underscored the effect of the challenges of marriage –

“Marriage is in trouble. According to a 2011 Pew study, barely half of American adults are married, a record low. Nearly a quarter of Americans believe marriage is becoming obsolete. Many members of the millennial generation (18- to 29-year-olds) believe being a parent is more important than being married.”

Of all the relationships we form, marriage is the hardest one to maintain. Divorce rates are grim enough (hovering around 50% for decades); when you factor in how many more couples stay together in unhappy marriages it becomes downright discouraging. Entire families are affected by this dysfunction. Whether partners split and go their separate ways or stay together as lonely roommates, children are caught in the unhappy crossfire. Let’s do what we can (words like love, acceptance, trust, and humility come to mind) and stop the crossfire.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure.

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.

Click on the following link to access the article in The Atlantic

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/marriage-is-not-a-24-7-sleepover-party/272684/
January 31, 2013 3 Comments

Influence vs Control

Your comments regarding the 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do got me to thinking. I was drawn to #7 – Expect your child to fulfill your dreams as an important one on which to comment, but now I see that each of them might be instructive under the choice theory microscope. We’ll do one at a time so that it won’t take (Tom) so long to read. Add your comments to fill in ideas that I leave out. Let’s start with #1 – Baby your child.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

Providing support and guidance, and certainly exerting supervision and control when it comes to safety issues, is necessary and appropriate. We wouldn’t let a three year old cross a busy street on his own, even if he pulled his hand away from ours and insisted that we leave him alone. We would grab his hand right back and keep him from running into traffic. There is a difference, though, between appropriate supervision and overprotective babying.

Often the difference has more to do with our need for control than it does with the needs of our children or students. Choice theory is based on the idea that every human being is guided by an internal control mechanism. We were created with free will, an incredible attribute that God has gone to incredible lengths to preserve, and, by extension, have been given the power, and the responsibility, to make choices. God values our freedom a great deal.

With this in mind it becomes clear that children need to learn about this freedom and, as soon as possible, learn to make good choices. The teacher or parent who understands choice theory will want to wean children from their control, rather than seek to perpetuate their control. Our goal is to fit our children for healthy lives, not because we are controlling their decisions, but because they are making good choices even when supervision is not around. We want them to be self-supervisors, right? (Think of Jochabed preparing Moses to leave home at 12 years of age.)

The paradox here is noteworthy. The important thing is influence. To have influence with our students or children is what we really want. Yet the more we attempt to control children, the less influence we have with them. There are too many well-meaning parents who have literally fought to control their children, to supervise at every turn, to oversee every event, threatening and punishing all the way, only to lose the thing they want most – influence. (When I visited my mother when she was living in a retirement center, I would hear stories from her about how some of the residents’ children – the children being 50 and 60 years of age – would have nothing to do with them, would never come to visit them, still angry about how they are continuing to be treated by their, by now, aged parents. A controlling spirit can last a long time.) The important thing is to stay connected. No matter what – stay connected. Because as long as you are connected to your kids, you have influence.

2. Put your marriage last.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure.

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.
January 29, 2013 4 Comments

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

The-7-Worst-Things-Good-Parents-Do-9781558746688

Going through a file cabinet recently I rediscovered some notes I took a number of years ago on a book that looked interesting to me. The book was entitled The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do. Those seven worst things are listed below.

I think it is a fascinating list that invites personal reflection and that can serve as an excellent springboard for discussion. Of course, a list this good also invites us to think about it through the lens of choice theory. What elements of choice theory come to mind as you read the statements on the list? Which statements stand out to you as especially relating to choice theory? Does choice theory help us to better understand any of these statement?

I would very much like to hear your thoughts on this.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

2. Put your marriage last.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure.

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.