Erasmus. He looks a bit smug to me.
The Dutch philosopher Erasmus (1466-1536) is credited with originating the famed statement, “Women, can’t live with them, can’t live without them.” It isn’t unusual for teachers to apply this same philosophical insight to their own field of endeavor when they sometimes mutter, “Parents, can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”
Books have been written on the topic, even though NOT all parents are difficult.
There are so many different kinds of parents with whom teachers work. Some parents are incredibly supportive of teachers; others are less engaged in their child’s education, a distant entity when it comes to academic or social events; while others are just plain difficult to work with. It could be that the difficult ones are difficult enough that they tempt teachers and principals to view all parents through a defensive lens, but if this is so it is unfortunate. There are all kinds of parents and for the sake of the students it is important that teachers connect with parents as effectively as possible.
YOU CAN HELP!
With this in mind, I have a request of you. One of the topics we will cover in my Classroom Management class this quarter is the topic of “Working with Parents.” Will you take a moment and share a strategy or insight that pre-service teachers can keep in mind when they work with their students’ parents? It can be one strategy or it can be several. Your insights can be from the perspective of a teacher or they can be from the perspective of a parent? It could be a strategy that you have found to work well, or it can be something to be avoided. My students truly will benefit from what you share.
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The Better Plan . . 
Great topic, especially considering we just had parent/teacher conferences this week! Yup, you guessed it, we had ALL types of parents 🙂
I think the number one tip I can give on dealing with parents is to go into a conversation keeping in mind that they don’t necessarily want answers, they want to be heard. They need you to listen. Sometimes there honestly isn’t anything you can do except listen. Don’t try to jump in with solutions until they’re all done talking. By then, they might not even ask for a solution because they feel so much better about just being heard.
Another tip is that there is no such thing as too much communication. Don’t be frustrated (and I’m talking to myself here) that one of maybe 15 parents actually reads what you put out there – that one parent needs it and that makes it worth it. It can be frustrating to be asked questions that you already addressed in your communication. Avoid the temptation of saying “I already communicated that. Aren’t you reading my notes?” Instead, just answer the question. I usually have to put in the quick remark of “Well, in the newsletter it said….” but I still just relay the information once again.
The one I’m struggling with personally right now is parents who cannot see their child clearly. Right now it is academically, but I’ve had it behaviorally too. They don’t see what you’re seeing, and no matter how much evidence you give, they still won’t see it. That is very difficult. I haven’t figured that one out yet.
Finally, on the note of conferences, I have my students lead the conferences and talk about their successes and struggles themselves. It is their education, it is their choices, and they get to talk about them. I have found that having the student at the conference and taking ownership of their reports makes conferences far less confrontational and more collaborative – “how can we all work on a solution together”. It is wonderful and I would never go back to a strictly parent/teacher conference.
Thank you so much for your detailed response. These are really helpful tips that I will definitely remember when I become a teacher. In particular, I thought the concept that parents want to be heard was very cool. When I think of parent/teacher conferences, I think of how is the teacher going to explain things to the parent about their child when really it’s more about listening to the parent explain about their own child.
Thank you for your insights, I am one of Dr. Roy’s students in classroom management and your tips and tricks of the trade were immensely helpful. I am reminded of the words of wisdom of another professor some years back who said, “one need not be a good talker to be a good listener, but one cannot be a good talker without first being a good listener.” I am glad you reminded us that it is vital to keep this in mind in dealing with parents. I love the idea of including the child in the parent teacher conferences. This has the potential to negate so many he said she said issues and foster the student’s sense of their own responsibility for their education.
I would love to be in the loop when someone figures out the proper way to handle the parents who say “my child would NEVER do that!”
I agree having the children be part of the conferences, even at the younger ages.
Thanks for the insightful tips!
Love that you have your students involved in the parent teacher conferences. This is something I had not even considered. Giving the students the floor to talk and share what they are struggling with and what they are good at is a great way to give them responsibility.
I think your point of parents just wanting to be heard is a great motto for everyday life. As a fixer, sometimes I rush in and just try to fix everything without hearing the whole situation. After reading your advice, I will have to practice sitting back and listening better.
I like your comment about parents just wanted to be heard. A parent can be so frustrated that they really don’t have a problem with you, they could just be taking it out on you about their own child. It’s their kid; they’re going to have high expectations. I also like the comment about parent communication, and as a teacher I will keep my patience and presence of mind that not everyone may read a newsletter or a handout I give a kid may get “lost” in his backpack on the way home.
Including students in a parent teacher meeting sounds like it could be good or bad, but it also sounds like its super beneficial to them to be able to get their thoughts across when usually they are not given a place to speak in a parent teacher meeting. Dealing with parents still sound intimidating to me but these tips are very insightful. I can see that patience is an important quality to have when talking to a group of parents.
I would can imagine that a parent not seeing what you see would be and is challenging for all teachers. I am guessing that every teacher will go through this at one point or another and it is comforting to know that these solutions are not easy or that it should be something that I have figured out. I really like the idea of student/parent/teacher conferences. I get what you are saying in that it makes it feel as though you are all a team trying to work together which i imagine would be very helpful.
Look for “open doors” during a conversation. An open door is a strangely awkward comment the parent makes in the middle of the conversation. It is an unconscious invitation for you to see past the presenting problem to one of the deeper reasons for their unhappiness. If you have the courage and the time, just try, “That’s intriguing. Say more about that.”
For example, a mom and dad who were angry and aggressive spent some time telling me what a crummy little school I was running and how mean-spirited and prejudicial I was. I had suspended their daughter. As they de-escalated I began asking a few questions and the mom offered, “I suppose I’ve been too strict with my daughter.”
It was a bizarre statement, the total opposite of the faculty’s theory on why the eighth-grader was such a drama queen. Since it was so unexpected (and because it offered a good diversion from being verbally attacked) I said, “That’s interesting. Tell me more.” She gave a furtive glance towards her husband and proceeded to provide a glimpse of their conflicted parenting dynamic. It was causing them much difficulty. That insight changed the temperature in the room, relaxed the conversation, and we parted as co-learners in this challenge of parenting.
I have always benefited by walking through that open door.
I feel it is important to look for the “open door” conversation starter, especially when dealing with parents. When events like parent teacher conferences come around the tension in the room may be high because of the topic at hand. I have noticed that parents get extremely defensive when it comes to their own children, and when a teacher is not telling the parent something they want to hear about their student they get angry. When you are looking for that open door conversation starter it really helps calm the parent down and find ways to solve the situation. I feel this concept can be used with the students as well. Thank you for your insight!
Hi, Delaney. Finding a way to break the ice is definitely a wise move if you want a conversation to begin. However, an “Open Door” is not an ice breaker. It is very different. It is an odd statement the parent makes during the course of a conversation. It signals that the parent has subconsciously offered you a glimpse into the source of the real problem. If you hear an Open Door and choose to move through it, you may come closer to understanding the deeper issue.
I like the open door comment and the comment about simply hearing the parents. Many times it seems they know there is a problem, so they come to conferences or to communicate on the defensive side. But when I have simply let parents talk, instead of trying to dig up a solution right away or hounding them for a solution, they usually offer the reasons themselves that their child is having difficulty (not giving enough individual attention, their child is copying their own behavior, etc.). Certainly try to look for ways that your goals are in alignment with parents’s goals and choose wording that conveys that. You both want the student to succeed. When parents start suggesting, telling you how to do things, or explaining to you how their child is, for me it’s been best to simply say “thanks for that idea/information” instead of try to prove myself with examples of what I do or ways I understand their child.
After reading your post, I realized this is a part of teaching that I haven’t really given much thought. You have shared some really good strategies for me personally as I can already see myself struggling with parents’ suggestions and allowing them to just talk. I look forward to doing more reflecting about this topic and know soon enough I’ll gain some experience with parents. Thanks again for sharing!
“Simply letting parents talk” is a concept that I had not really put much thought into, but I can see how it will be really helpful in the classroom in dealing with parents. Also, simply acknowledging the parents advice on working with their child instead of trying to defend yourself is very good advice to someone who is a future teacher. Thank you so much for your advice.
The “open door” conversation starter is definitely something important to keep in mind while dealing with parents. I like that you pointed out that parents themselves know that something is wrong at times and so they come in one of two ways: defensive or to communicate. I agree with letting the parents talk! It definitely can ease tension and calm my nerves when I have to find a solution. It helps to hear them voice it out and to look for goals that coincide with the ones we as teachers are trying to fix. Keeping that both of us want their child to succeed is also another key point you brought to my attention. If the parents know and feel that, they will be more than willing to work with you and the child. I also like your response: “thanks for that idea/info” rather than proving oneself.
I think that it helps a lot to build a positive relationship with parents before trouble happens, so the relationship is strong enough to survive the strain. I try to make a point of telling parents good things about their children as often as possible. I think it helps to intentionally notice what the child is doing well and giving the parent a quick text, call, or email. It may take awhile for the parents to stop cringing when you contact them, because many parents are used to only getting a call from the school when something bad happens. I want them to feel happy that I called.
Many parents relieve their anxiety by talking to you. When they are done talking, they feel better. I like to do things, so it can be excruciating to me to just listen, but when I succeed, the parents feel better. You may feel overwhelmed by the negative emotions streaming towards you, but keep it mind, it probably isn’t mostly due to you. Parents have extremely difficult lives too. When I first started teaching, I had a parent that vented at me on a daily basic until I found out that her stress was mainly caused by marital problems and her worries of how that would affect the kids. Once I found that out, I could help her think about ways to take care of the actual problem that was bothering her.
Position yourself on their side when there is a problem. I like to let them know that I am eager to resolve this too and ask them how we can work together to solve it. Once we make a plan, I try to make sure I follow through. Then I ask the parent, did that work the way that we expected it to or do we need to modify something? Once it works, I keep asking them on a fading out schedule so it doesn’t just pop up again. I also try to get them to discuss the success as many times as they complained about the problem. That helps them (and me) to see it in an overall positive way.
Prevent as many problems as possible. Supervise well. Teach well. Treat everyone with respect and insist that your students do the same. Work, talk, and dress in ways that earn you respect. If possible, don’t accept students whose parents use hard core illegal drugs or have severe mental illnesses.
I help my parents with problems they have at home. I am happy to help their kid to stop sassing them at home or to be responsible or whatever the parent feels he or she needs. Then when I come to them, it is just a fair trade.
Periodically ask parents, “What could I do to make school a better place for your child?” This gives them an opportunity to tell you about problems before they become serious. If there are no problems, you both get to hear the parents say so. Remember that you can choose to take what they say as criticism or feedback. Which one would you like to get? It is your choice how you take it.
View parents telling you problems as an opportunity. Generally, if they are telling you the problem, they think you can solve it. If they didn’t, they probably wouldn’t bother wasting their time. They would just take their child to another teacher or another school. I think some of my most loyal parents are the ones that I have helped work through the greatest difficulties. I am not saying it was easy, but there is nothing quite like solving a conflict together to bond people together.
Problems are also an amazing time for God’s grace to be shown. If they are attacking you, you can show them the forbearance that Jesus showed in Pilate’s court and in Herod’s. If you are on the same page, but the obstacles are insurmountable, that is the perfect time to ask God to step in like He did for Moses at the Red Sea.
In summary, I think the best tools are preventative: preventing problems in the first place, building positive parental relationships, and dealing with things before they become big problems. If prevention isn’t enough, seize the opportunity that the conflict has offered you.
I agree that it is important to prevent problems before they start, but as I was reading your post I felt that some of your points were bordering on too personal a relationship with the parents (I.e. Text messages, talking about marital problems, and positioning yourself on the parents side). Our goal should be on the side of the student- how best to help the student and not necessarily the parents.
Just to clarify, when I talked about positioning yourself on the parent’s side, I didn’t mean against the student. The whole purpose was FOR the student. I think we could both agree that good communication with parents benefits the students. I don’t think that needlessly creating an adversarial relationship with parents benefits the student, or you, or the parent. I appreciate your bringing this up, however. When I reread my post, I realized it wasn’t as clear as it could be. Most of the time parents talk to me about problems it is something like “So and so hurt my child’s feelings yesterday.” I don’t get defensive and say, “That’s not my problem.” I position myself on their side AND their child’s side and try to see what I can do to solve their problems. Perhaps my post didn’t clarify enough.
As far as being too personal, perhaps that is because I live in the country in a small town. Where I live, I see these parents at church, potluck, Pathfinders, the store, and the park. It isn’t because we are following each other around. It is just a small town. My entire school has only 18 students. You will probably be at much larger school and have way less parental contact. Because of my situation, I need to work hard to maintain good relationships with parents because I will see the same few people everywhere. I hope you have pleasantly professional relationships with parents when you teach.
Preventing problems before they occur is a great idea and wish that more teachers/parents could do it more often. Many problems can be prevented before they occur, but my question is what about those problems that you can see coming but you have no way of preventing it? I also find it hard build real positive relationships with the parent, since you hardly ever see them. At a big public school you might not even see them at all so it could be a challenge. With this being said, I feel that the way we do this is through their children. If the children have good impression on their teachers, the more likely the parent will also have good impressions on the teacher.
I think we all wish that we could prevent all the problems we see coming. But we don’t have that kind of control. I like Jim Roy’s discussions on that concept. However. I think foresight can result in being better prepared.
Yes, If you are in a large school you can be distanced from the parents. On the other hand, if you work at a small school like I do, you will be the one doing yard duty, so you will see them at least twice a day.
I really like that approach. Especially intentionally making contact with parents something that the parents don’t have to fear, but something they enjoy doing. I could see this being hard for me as I often like to do things too. But I could see myself implementing this when I start teaching because I can certainly see its value. We’ve been talking in Classroom Management about preventing problems by building relationships with students. There is no reason that cannot apply equally, if not more, with parents.
These are some great tips. I really like the idea of bringing up the good to parents. I have small children and someone recommended that I try to ‘catch them being good’ and not just criticize. It occurs to me that the parents need that too!
I can see myself needing the tip regarding talking to – well, rather listening to – parents, and to remember that their problem is not necessarily you. If you know that something else is going you you don’t have to take it personally (which is an issue I can see myself having.)
As a future teacher, I look at what you said and think “well, that sounds great, but it’s a lot of work!” But as a parent I think, “that’s exactly the kind of teacher I’d want for my kids.” I think that was a good realization for me to come to.
Being a parent yourself helps you really understand deeply how you would want to be treated. Parents will appreciate that!