Posts tagged “parenting”
February 15, 2013 2 Comments

Your Own Oxygen Mask First

Number four on the list – Ignore your emotional or spiritual life – seems very relevant to talk about within the context of choice theory. I will share a few thoughts below, however I am interested to hear from you regarding how tangible this one is for you as a teacher or as a parent. What kinds of differences do you see in yourself or in your students or children when you put your spiritual life on a back burner? How long does it take to see these changes? Let me know. On to #4.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

2. Put your marriage last.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

People that use commercial air travel a lot can probably finish the stewardess’s pre-flight set of directions for her. These directions include something like this –

We do not anticipate a change in cabin pressure; should it occur individual oxygen masks will drop  from the compartment overhead. Pull down on the mask until the plastic tubing is fully extended as this activates the flow of oxygen. Place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. For those of you traveling with small children, secure yourself first, then assist the child. Continue wearing the mask until otherwise notified by a crewmember.

This scenario is a classic example of an everyday occurrence in which we as adults really do need to take care of ourselves first. It is an especially good lead-in to the importance of teachers and parents nurturing their own spiritual and emotional health, because we cannot give what we don’t have.

One of the choice theory axioms is that the only person we can control is ourselves. This, hopefully, reminds us that instead of putting our energy into forcibly shaping the spiritual lives of our children, our time and effort is much better spent on gently bringing ourselves into alignment with God’s will for our own lives. It is easy to forget about the power of example, about how effective modeling is as a teaching tool.

Choice theory describes two basic management approaches – one approach is referred to as boss management, while the other is referred to as lead management. Simply put, boss management relies on external control strategies like punishment and reward to manipulate others, while lead management acknowledges the internal control mechanism that God placed in each of us.

The following quote seems to capture the concept of lead management and the importance of adults caring for their own emotional and spiritual lives about as well as any quote I have ever seen. We’ll close with this thought, but I encourage you to memorize the sentence and reflect on what it means. Let the thought inspire you.

Let it never be forgotten that the teacher must be what he desires his pupils to become.                              Fundamentals of Christian Education, p. 58

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.
February 10, 2013 2 Comments

I Know What’s Best for My Kid! Don’t I?

This past week was a bit full for me. The beginning of the week had very important appointments for our Education Department at PUC, and then I headed out on the road on Thursday through Sabbath, visiting teachers in Santa Cruz and Mountain View and then preaching in Lodi for their Education Sabbath. Last weekend I worked on trying to improve the access to the blog through Google, but now I am wondering if I did more harm than good. Let me know if anything has changed for the worse as far as The Better Plan blog on your end. With that said, let’s move on to #3 on the 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do list – Push your child into too many activities.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

2. Put your marriage last.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

For me, #3 and #7 are related, however there are differences between them, too. I will try to keep my comments separated for these two important areas and focus on the essence of each of them.

Much has been written on this phenomena, which is a more recent development in terms of sociology and culture, as those of us from the Boomer generation did not have to deal with this as kids. Maybe we had a parent who “forced” us to practice our piano lessons, but for the most part we were left to our devices to form friendships and engage in neighborhood play in all of its various forms. I am not sure of the official starting point when parents began to become so active in involving their children in so many planned activities, but at some point this shift occurred. At some point, too, maybe at the same time, we started assigning labels to the different parenting styles. We have come to view a tough, non-negotiating style as being a Tiger Mom; to a hovering, over-involved style as being a Helicopter parent; and to a more hands-off  approach as being a Free-Range parent. These are just a few of the labels. There are many more. Rather than dissect each of these approaches, which isn’t possible in my short comments here, I will try to focus on the essence of #3, the Agenda parent, through a choice theory lens. (I will use feminine pronouns exclusively to make the writing smoother, but masculine pronouns could be used just as easily.)

Like all human beings, an Agenda parent is urged by her basic needs to fulfill the quality world pictures she has identified and stored in her quality world mental scrapbook. I could see several basic need possibilities here. I could see the survival need, which has a lot to do with safety, urge a parent to be more vigilant in supervision. Rather than allowing a child to roam the neighborhood, like so many of us Boomers did, parents, still wanting a full life for their children, parents are willing to plan a full-plate of organized and supervised activities. I can see the power need (which we will talk about a lot more when we cover #7) urge a parent to place their children in what they think will be the best position for future success. And I can see the love and belonging need urge parents to get and keep their child involved with other children. It might be a way for parents to stay connected to other parents who are also bringing their students to soccer games and ballet practice and art class.

It would be instructive for an Agenda parent to honestly (maybe brutally honestly) reflect on whose quality world pictures are being targeted and pursued – the parent’s or the child’s? A parent might ask, “How does my child being in so many activities and having such a grueling schedule meet my needs?” The parent might respond with “It’s not about my needs! I am doing all this driving around and paying all the money for these activities for my child. It’s for her that I am doing this!” But choice theory would gently, but firmly, question that and suggest otherwise. Ultimately, it is highly, highly likely that an Agenda parent is creating full agendas for her child because of needs she has as a parent, rather than for the genuine needs of her child.

Are some activities good for our children to experience? Of course. Is it ever appropriate to push our children into things they don’t think they want to do? It might be, however I would be careful on this one. I think it is possible, even with young children, to begin to include their input when it comes to forming the agenda for their lives. The goal is to recognize that they are in the process of forming their own quality world picture books and to respect their individuality and uniqueness as they identify the things and skills they really want to embrace. As adults we just need to admit that our quality world pictures for our children are just that, OUR quality world pictures. It may be that we will influence them to embrace our quality world pictures – children often do follow in the footsteps of their parents – but it may be that they do not. Allowing them that freedom and supporting them in their discovery is such a huge gift!

I don’t know if this anecdote from my past will help clarify regarding the agenda issue, but we will end with this nonetheless –

When our children were younger we lived on the west coast, while my parents and sister’s family lived in the Orlando area. For a period of quite a few years my family would travel to Florida to spend time with loved ones and, well .  .  . play. There is so much to do in the Orlando area – Disney, Marineworld, Universal Studios, etc., etc. – which is great, however it all costs quite a bit. The Orlando part of the family all had season passes to the various attractions. We, on the other hand, had to come up admission fees. For several years, I took it upon myself, “knowing” that my family wanted to go these places, and knowing that I wanted to go to these places, to find the money to pay for the entrance passes. It was my kids and wife that eventually brought it to my attention that, if was up to them, they would just as soon spend more time at the (east coast) beaches (for free) than at the amusement parks. I had assumed they wanted to go the parks, when in fact that really wasn’t what they wanted. My agenda had ruled supreme, and cost me more money in the process. Our kids often want a simpler life than we assume. Mostly, they just want us.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure.

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.
February 2, 2013 2 Comments

Kids Need Happily Married Parents. Go figure.

We talked about mistake #1 in the last blog. Let’s move on to #2 – Put your marriage last.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

2. Put your marriage last.

I wonder if the statement “Putting your marriage” last is even accurate. It seems like it would be a more accurate statement if it read “Acting like you’re putting your marriage last.” More often, I think, marriage partners very much want to experience intimacy—spiritually, emotionally, and physically—with each other. Something gets in the way of achieving intimacy, though, and partners recede back into coping mechanisms that are wrapped in hurt and pride. It may look like the partnership isn’t a priority, that work responsibilities or other friends or even their children, are keeping them from focusing on each other, but it isn’t really true.

Choice theory teaches that the only person we can control is ourselves.

It also teaches that we intentionally behave in a way that will either bring us what we want, especially when it comes to the way others, like our spouse, treats us, or in a way that at least brings us a feeling of control.

It is this willingness to settle for a little feeling of control, rather than lovingly, humbly, and energetically going for deeper levels of intimacy that creates and maintains a “cold war” home atmosphere, a distance between partners, and even a coping numbness. Consider the following scenario –

I have a quality world picture in my head about how I would like my wife to treat me when I arrive at home after work. Upon my walking through the door, this picture involves her jumping up, doing two back handsprings toward me, and then kissing me deeply and passionately. Alas, this picture doesn’t take place. Instead, she says hi and asks me how my day has gone. I am hurt and frustrated that once again my pictures aren’t being matched. She is watching a program on TV, but seems interested in me, even asking me to come join her. I politely decline, trying to sound friendly, grab some food from the kitchen, and head to the back of the house to watch a program of my choosing. I have not come across with a major silent treatment behavior, yet I have had what I refer to as a mini-withdrawal, a seemingly small decision to just do my thing. However, much more has happened here than a small withdrawal. I yearned for what I thought was a major connection, an intimate moment, but I settled for something much less. I withdrew into aloneness. You are probably thinking that my quality world picture involving handsprings and wet kisses was ridiculous to begin with. To that I would say you are right. It was ridiculous. Unfortunately, even ridiculous pictures exert a powerful influence on our behavior. Fortunately, though, we choose and shape the pictures that go into our quality world. Appropriate, realistic pictures help a lot. Another thing to consider, too, is this: If I wanted my wife to welcome me with two back handsprings and a kiss, what prevents me from greeting her with handsprings and a kiss? Oh, I might say to that suggestion, she has to make the first move. She is the one that needs to change, I reason. Keeping in mind what she desires, why can’t I be the person that I would like her to be? It is scenarios like these that play in a million variations every day. We settle for roommate status instead of going for an intimate partnership.

Our children see this dance of control play out in front of their eyes day after day. It is true that a good marriage is good for the mental health of the spouses. Having good relationships, especially one as significant as marriage, is incredibly important to us. It is also true, though, that a good marriage is good for the mental health of kids. They root for their parents to be happy and to treat each other well. The energy of the home environment is palpable and obvious, regardless of adult efforts to hide the anger and protect their kids from the dysfunction. A happy, healthy energy in the home is good for everyone. Kids do not begrudge appropriate and loving attention that their parents give to one another. Instead, they feed off of it; they learn from it. Someday they will have a home of their own and it will, for good or for bad, for happiness or for unhappiness, tend to mirror the homes of their childhood.

A recent article, Marriage Is Not a 24/7 Sleepover Party, in The Atlantic underscored the effect of the challenges of marriage –

“Marriage is in trouble. According to a 2011 Pew study, barely half of American adults are married, a record low. Nearly a quarter of Americans believe marriage is becoming obsolete. Many members of the millennial generation (18- to 29-year-olds) believe being a parent is more important than being married.”

Of all the relationships we form, marriage is the hardest one to maintain. Divorce rates are grim enough (hovering around 50% for decades); when you factor in how many more couples stay together in unhappy marriages it becomes downright discouraging. Entire families are affected by this dysfunction. Whether partners split and go their separate ways or stay together as lonely roommates, children are caught in the unhappy crossfire. Let’s do what we can (words like love, acceptance, trust, and humility come to mind) and stop the crossfire.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure.

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.

Click on the following link to access the article in The Atlantic

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/marriage-is-not-a-24-7-sleepover-party/272684/
January 31, 2013 3 Comments

Influence vs Control

Your comments regarding the 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do got me to thinking. I was drawn to #7 – Expect your child to fulfill your dreams as an important one on which to comment, but now I see that each of them might be instructive under the choice theory microscope. We’ll do one at a time so that it won’t take (Tom) so long to read. Add your comments to fill in ideas that I leave out. Let’s start with #1 – Baby your child.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

Providing support and guidance, and certainly exerting supervision and control when it comes to safety issues, is necessary and appropriate. We wouldn’t let a three year old cross a busy street on his own, even if he pulled his hand away from ours and insisted that we leave him alone. We would grab his hand right back and keep him from running into traffic. There is a difference, though, between appropriate supervision and overprotective babying.

Often the difference has more to do with our need for control than it does with the needs of our children or students. Choice theory is based on the idea that every human being is guided by an internal control mechanism. We were created with free will, an incredible attribute that God has gone to incredible lengths to preserve, and, by extension, have been given the power, and the responsibility, to make choices. God values our freedom a great deal.

With this in mind it becomes clear that children need to learn about this freedom and, as soon as possible, learn to make good choices. The teacher or parent who understands choice theory will want to wean children from their control, rather than seek to perpetuate their control. Our goal is to fit our children for healthy lives, not because we are controlling their decisions, but because they are making good choices even when supervision is not around. We want them to be self-supervisors, right? (Think of Jochabed preparing Moses to leave home at 12 years of age.)

The paradox here is noteworthy. The important thing is influence. To have influence with our students or children is what we really want. Yet the more we attempt to control children, the less influence we have with them. There are too many well-meaning parents who have literally fought to control their children, to supervise at every turn, to oversee every event, threatening and punishing all the way, only to lose the thing they want most – influence. (When I visited my mother when she was living in a retirement center, I would hear stories from her about how some of the residents’ children – the children being 50 and 60 years of age – would have nothing to do with them, would never come to visit them, still angry about how they are continuing to be treated by their, by now, aged parents. A controlling spirit can last a long time.) The important thing is to stay connected. No matter what – stay connected. Because as long as you are connected to your kids, you have influence.

2. Put your marriage last.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure.

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.
January 29, 2013 4 Comments

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

The-7-Worst-Things-Good-Parents-Do-9781558746688

Going through a file cabinet recently I rediscovered some notes I took a number of years ago on a book that looked interesting to me. The book was entitled The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do. Those seven worst things are listed below.

I think it is a fascinating list that invites personal reflection and that can serve as an excellent springboard for discussion. Of course, a list this good also invites us to think about it through the lens of choice theory. What elements of choice theory come to mind as you read the statements on the list? Which statements stand out to you as especially relating to choice theory? Does choice theory help us to better understand any of these statement?

I would very much like to hear your thoughts on this.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do

1. Baby your child.

2. Put your marriage last.

3. Push your child into too many activities.

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.

5. Be your child’s best friend.

6. Fail to give your child structure.

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999). The 7 worst things good parents do. New York: Barnes & Noble.