Is this message to parents choice theory friendly? How should a choice theorist relate to these kinds of posters?
There are lots of choice theorists out there and I don’t presume to speak for all of them, however I do have a personal opinion on the matter. I saw this message on Facebook and noticed it had garnered a lot of likes. Amy Chua is the author of the 2011 viral book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which many interpreted as a manifesto for parents needing to take control of their children’s lives. There was a huge amount of attention given to the book and the topic of parenting, in general. My goal here is not to share a review of the book. I will share below a seven-minute interview of Ms. Chua on PBS, because I think it captures a more complete picture of her motivation to write the book. She explains that much of what she wrote was tongue-in-cheek and that she didn’t expect her ideas to go viral in the way they did. In the end she admitted that her strategies did not work with her youngest daughter, in fact the strategies threatened the relationship between her and her daughter, and had to be softened. Check out the video and decide for yourself.
My goal as a parent is to prepare you for the future, not to make you like me. Amy Chua
The either-or design of the statement – You can have a successful child or you can have a good relationship with him – is really a false choice. It conveys the idea that you can’t have both at the same time, which is a problem for a choice theorist, who sees the statement needing to be worded more like – My goal as a parent is to nurture a consistent and positive relationship with my child, from which I can inspire and guide him to success.
The phrase “My goal as a parent is to prepare you for the future” is really a statement about what success is and specifically, what the parent’s picture of success is. Parents that live this statement seem to be saying “I know what is best for you” and “I know how you should get to where I want you to go.” Such an approach emphasizes control, rather than influence, and children (like every human being on the planet) resist being controlled. It has been said that as long as we are connected to our children, we have influence on their thinking and behavior. Disregard that connection and focus on control at your child’s peril.
The phrase “not to make you like me” implies I actually can make you like me, but that I am willing to sacrifice this luxury in favor of your eventual success. This is inaccurate in that a person cannot be made to like anybody. A relationship can be invited, but not forced. Again, the relationship element is seen as possibly nice, but probably a distraction or worse, and thus needs to be de-valued or even eliminated.
Statements like the Chua quote seem to tap into what the reader already believes or wants to believe. It confirms a belief in the value of control, even if it means coercing behavior. People with this mindset read “Spare the rod; spoil the child” as a directive to assertively control kids into submission. They see the rod as a necessary weapon. Others, with a different mindset, see the “rod” as a gentle tool, like that with which shepherds guide and prod and nudge.
The Amy Chua quote has much more to do with the needs of adults, than it has to do with the needs of children. It has to do with what we think success looks like, rather than helping children and students identify their own vision for success. And it has to do with our willingness to de-value relationships, instead of acknowledging the desperate need children have for positive, nurturing, supportive relationships.
William Glasser (1981)
William Glasser ran into this same challenge early in his career. He emphasized personal responsibility in his groundbreaking book, Reality Therapy (1965), which was a part of a total approach that included involvement (the term Glasser originally used to convey human connection and warm relationships) and never giving up. Some latched on to the idea of responsibility and used it as a way to pressure and control kids, which was a huge concern to Glasser and caused him to pull back from the emphasis. He knew that relationships had to be at the top of the list, and that responsibility must be planted in and grow out of these relationships.
Amy Chua learned this, too, and changed her approach before it ruined her relationship with her second daughter. For those working with students, this same dynamic will play out for us, too. We can have a false sense of control or we can have true influence. We decide.
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The Better Plan . . 
Adults see the failings of society, there won missteps and are somewhat determined to not have their children repeat those mistakes or fall prey to those potholes. Someone who is successful will them exclaim that it worked for them so why do different! I am learning that we make a choice about respecting the individuality of our children and so determine to champion their journey!
I like the phrase “respecting the individuality of our children.” This is so important and the benefits that come from this freedom are significant.
You also got me to thinking about whether adults can keep their children from making the same mistakes they made. If we are relying on force or pressure, then I think the best we can accomplish is conveying to our children that we don’t want to know about their missteps and failures. As long as they publicly look good and come across as being the kind of kid I want them to be, then that’s good enough. In other words, either we can seek a close, trusting relationship and the influence that comes with it, or we can focus on performance, absent of relationship, and get what our child wants us to see.
We continue to make those decisions to protect self. Anything that will make me ‘look bad’ has to be avoided. The idea that my child could put me, the parent in a situation where I am viewed or seen as less than my best self -embarrassed, has to be avoided. No mistakes. I see institutions-schools trying to protect its image…standard and so expel a child without focusing onopportunities to redeem grow and mentor. Sometimes standards are merely preferences.
Wow! That final sentence really summarizes it – Sometimes standards are merely preferences.
There is so much truth in this and some very big implications for school strategies, guidelines, and policies.
A book could be written with this as the title – Standards or Preferences?
I will write It! Thanks Jim!
I see a continuum of parental engagement with their children. On on side are parents who say to their students to do whatever they want without any reflective talk; on the other end is the parent who tells the student what they are going to do with all aspects of their lives. I have witnessed students damaged by either extreme.
Certainly parents need to have engaging and reflective dialog with each child to assist the student’s growth. Each child is unique and may need something different in the way of guidance. Differentiated engagement!
Very interesting. I guess I’d rather have a younger generation that was more disciplined than spoiled, but you make a very compelling point that it’s not an “either-or” situation. Great stuff!
I want people – whether they are part of the younger generation or part of the older generation – to be self-disciplined, which to me means to be in control of yourself, to be thoughtful and caring and unselfish. Of course, the real question is how do you raise a child to be such a person? This is where the principles of choice theory can help. Kids do need at times, when they are behaving poorly, to be confronted and taught to behave better, but it is in how we go about this that leads to either success or something less than success. I do believe in high standards for behavior; I just want to watch out for getting involved with trying to make, force, or coerce a kid into reaching that standard.