Thirteen (so far) Essential Psychological Skills for Kids
In the last Better Plan blog we considered the kinds of skills that kids should have before they turn 18 and definitely before they leave home. One of the categories that was missing from the list, though, was a category for Psychological Skills. Several of you responded to my request for help at forming such a list. The following list summarizes your suggestions.
Psychological Skills We Want Our Kids to Learn
1. To be able to recognize the motivation behind their choices.2. To be able to handle failure and see it as an opportunity to learn.3. To be able to self-evaluate.4. Knowing the seven Caring Habits (Supporting, Listening, Encouraging, Accepting, Trusting, Respecting, and Negotiating Differences) and using them.5. To really recognize their priceless worth, not because of their performance, achievement, or behavior, but because they are a child of God.6. Relational skills, such as connecting, compassion, communication, and empathy.7. To be able to process and navigate emotions in a positive way.8. To be aware of the ability to choose their response to the conditions/circumstances of life.9. To understand that divergent thinking is healthy.10. To know when to –
FIGHT for something worth fighting for;
ACCOMMODATE when the relationship is more important than the issue, and
AVOID when it makes sense to split the difference and compromise.11. Also knowing and understanding the seven Deadly Habits (Criticizing, Blaming, Complaining, Nagging, Threatening, Punishing, and Rewarding to Manipulate).12. To learn to be caring and compassionate, especially using the skill of empathy.13. To gain a work ethic that reflects a willingness to work and a desire to do their best.
This list is a great start, but (I wonder) have important psychological skills been left off? Reply to this blog with more suggestions and help to make the list even more complete. This could be a great resource to those of us who work with kids and to those of us who give workshops and presentations. For instance, I am scheduled to begin teaching choice theory to 10th graders this coming Friday morning. I could see myself sharing this list with “kids” and getting their response. Let’s grow this list and identify more of the psychological skills we want our kids to have.
The Choice Theory Study Group that met near where I live this past Sabbath was a success! Group members shared examples of ways they have taught or used choice theory so far this school year, and coached and affirmed each other throughout the process. Some things that came out of our time together include –
George Barcenas, PE teacher, athletic director, and language teacher at Redwood Adventist School in Santa Rosa, CA, described how grades 9-12 began the school year with a multi-day retreat in the Santa Cruz mountains, with choice theory principles as the theme they wanted to set the tone for the school year. He has followed that opening week by consistently referring to the choice theory elements in his classes. Already students are beginning to bring up the basic needs, maybe their own or those of another student, when problem-solving moments arise.
Joel Steffen, fifth and sixth grade teacher at Foothills Adventist Elementary School, has been conducting daily class meetings. One thing he shared is that it really makes a difference which guiding question you use to start the meeting. When you choose well and kids are interested in the topic the meeting goes pretty well. Choose less well and it becomes apparent rather quickly. He sees both the effective and the less effective meetings as steps in the learning process, though, and plans to continue honing his questioning skills.
Amy Palma, fifth grade teacher at Calistoga Elementary, has been teaching there for 10 years, and has been implementing a choice theory management approach, specifically Marvin Marshall’s ABCD model for seven of those years. Amy’s story is important because she is an example of a teacher who successfully uses choice theory, even though she is the only one in the school doing so. Over the years, the school has tried different external control programs, and each time Amy has respectfully declined. While other teachers have been less than satisfied with how a school year has gone, Amy likes how it has gone and attributes choice theory as one of the key reasons. Teachers sometimes ask me, “What if I am the only teacher in the school teaching this way?” At that moment I tell them about Amy.
Sean Kootsey, History teacher at Pleasant Hill Adventist Academy, described how significant the idea of giving students multiple chances to master the learning has been for him, and for his students. He reminded us that learning and assessing is not a “gotchya” process. If students need more than one chance to learn the concepts, why is that bad, he asked. At first other teachers in the school chuckled or even scoffed at the idea of multiple learning chances, but now all of them are teaching that way and are pleased with the results. The culture there has shifted.
Ron Bunch, a local community member, shared how much the ideas have influenced his personal relationships, and especially how the choice theory ideas have helped him in his spiritual journey. He described new insights regarding the character of God and His design of us and for us. God did not create us to be a victim of circumstances, but instead gave us incredible freedom and power to make choices.
These were just a few of the things expressed in the recent study group. One thing the group decided was that we want to keep meeting, maybe even on a monthly basis. It was felt like the get-together is a good way to keep choice theory ideas from being crowded out by other things; it is a good way to re-charge the concepts and to feed off the energy of colleagues. We will be meeting twice more before the Christmas break. I’ll share those dates soon.
One thing that came out of the blog entitled Compelling Reasons to Teach Choice Theory is the recognition that we need to begin sharing more about how to get this done. We need to assemble a clearinghouse, a place where people can go to access resources and materials, or even specific lesson plans that address choice theory elements. This is important! We need to get this started!
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Hi Jim, Safari on my Ipad couldn’t open the page–hope you get this re what would be helpful for kids to learn for life. Re negotiating differences: I used to teach our (Glasserian) peer counselors how to negotiate differences—to learn all the organized behaviors for conflict resolution, to know that collaborating is the most messy and takes longer but is often the best for satisfaction which lasts, to know when to be competing (usually for principles with a high moral value), when to be accommodating (usually when the relationship is more important than the issue; with kids, often calling home when a parents requests it, wearing something Granny sent you so she won’t be hurt, yielding the better seat for an elder, etc.), when avoiding is useful (gives you more time to think; as Bill would say “let the world turn,” when it makes sense to split the difference and use compromising. Kids who know and understand these behavioral choices have a wide range/repertory and typically are more effective when faced with the inevitable conflicts of life…
Sent from my iPad
To understand that divergent thinking can be a healthy thing. (Just because you think differently than me, that does not mean that one of us is wrong!)
This is good advice for all of us, but especially so when we are young. I hear you saying that it is important to know when to –
FIGHT for something worth fighting for.
ACCOMMODATE when the relationship is more important than the issue, and
AVOID when it makes sense to split the difference and compromise.
I suggest that the seven deadly habits be added to the list.
Also, empathy deserves one by itself, since it is foundational to caring and compassion.
Goleman’s emotional intelligences could be reviewed to see how some could be integrated.
These first ten are a noble beginning. May the conversation continue with vigor.