My son and I at a New York City subway stop (2008)
A dad I knew once said to me –
“When my kids say Happy Fathers’ Day to me I want them to be able to mean it.”
When I asked him to elaborate a bit more he continued –
“It isn’t rocket surgery. I just want to have treated them in such a way that they would be comfortable wishing me well. I want to care for them and appreciate them in the hope that they would want to care for me, too.”
I have admitted more than once that the concepts of choice theory saved my relationship with my own children. I began really reading about choice theory around 1992 (it was actually known as control theory until 1996), and received Quality School training a short time later. In 1995, when the school in which I was principal embraced choice theory, my daughter was 16 and my son was 13. The timing here is significant. I was coming into a deeper knowledge and understanding of choice theory at just the time my children were dealing with the angst of adolescence. When conflict arises, as can happen between parent and teenage children, I am just as capable as the next guy of being arbitrary and controlling. I am capable of wanting to take charge and be in control.
It was rare that I would do something like this, but one time I asked Glasser for some personal advice. After graduating from high school my son wanted to buy a very old van with two other friends and move to Southern California to make it in the music business. I could tell he was serious. I really didn’t want him to do it, for a number of reasons, but I wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it. Glasser listened as I described the situation and when I was finished he said –
“You want to keep two things in mind. The first thing is stay connected. Whatever you do or say, do or say it in a way that keeps the two of you connected. The second thing is to not say anything that in any way smacks of I told you so. In other words, don’t come across in a way that would ever make it harder for your son to come back home.”
I thought that maybe I understood enough about what Glasser was trying to get across to me and I decided to talk with my son. What I said went something like this –
“You already know that I don’t really want you to do what you have described to me, and that I would rather you get started in college. Instead of belaboring that, though, I just want to say a couple of things. It might sound like it isn’t smart for me to say this, but I think you are very capable of making this idea happen, of buying the van and carving out an existence in Los Angeles. I would worry a bit about how you were doing, but you are resourceful and resilient when the going gets tough. I also think you are an excellent and entertaining musician. If you didn’t get discovered it wouldn’t be because of a lack of talent. There are just so many excellent athletes and musicians that never make it to the big show. If you do decide to go ahead with this plan, please remember that whether you get discovered or not, you always, always have home to come back to. Thanks for listening. Let me know if you want to talk more about this.”
Glasser and choice theory helped me to say my peace in a way that not only kept my son and me connected, it actually brought us closer. Choice theory taught me to listen, to respect, to accept, and to negotiate. I wanted to understand the basic need that was urging my son to come up with this plan. I wanted to understand the quality world pictures that he wanted his life to match. The ideas of choice theory helped me, I think, to be a better dad.
If you are interested, my son eventually decided not to head to LA in a 1965 van. The van was already purchased, so there was momentum in the plan, but it was like our talk had taken the fight out of it. I acknowledged his ability and talent, yet stated my preference. He knew that I knew he could do it if he chose to. I believe that if I had come across in a traditional, controlling way, that he would have headed to LA, if only to prove that I was wrong.
Waiting for the next train, New York City subway (2008)
It’s been 12 years since this took place and my children have gone on to begin lives and families of their own. It meant a lot to me that both of them wished me a happy Fathers’ Day yesterday and that our relationship is such that I think they meant it. Thanks, choice theory for being a part of our family.
The Better Plan . . 
We are blessed all around. I really enjoyed reading your blog and see so much wisdom in it.
Thank you for your kind words. I don’t feel very wise, but I am glad you find the posts helpful.
I found this article to be very poignant and true. I had that type of father. He passed when I was only seven but his love leaves on in my heart forever. Here’s a poem I wrote about him. My Daddy
Written on June 16, 2013
In memory of my father, Wylie B. Stevenson, I would like to wish all fathers a very Happy Father’s Day. Here’s a poem about my father that I wrote and hopefully it will encourage some, inspire others, and validate the rest.
My Father
There’s no other like my father, I’ll never forget his loving touch.
Even though there were many of us (16) he loved us all so very much.
… Not once did he ever yell or fuss, but you knew he meant what he said.
We respected him out of love because in us he put no fear or dread.
Even when we did wrong, we knew he would be fair.
He never jumped to conclusions. He listened and showed he care.
He was my strong tower, protector, and confidant.
He supplied all my needs and I never had to want.
He always held my hand as we walked side by side.
He never walked too fast. He always kept a comfortable stride.
When the snow was higher than I was tall no problem did I see.
My dad would walk ahead and clear a path for me.
I would place my feet in his footprints and my feet stayed warm as could be.
No snow ever got inside my boots, my daddy cared for me.
He always told me I was smart and that I could be anything I wanted to be.
I know if he was living today, he would be so, proud of me!
I made my dad a promise and God has helped me to stay true to my word.
No, it hasn’t been easy and I have had to endure some cruel words from those who like to gossip about other people’s affairs.
But you will not be my focus and your cruel words I forget gladly!
My heavenly Father says, “It’s my turn now”, and I will marry someone just like my daddy!!
It’s obvious your father meant a great deal to you. He sounds like a special person. I liked your description of how you walked in his footprints to keep the snow out of your boots and to keep your feet warm.
Thank you. I appreciate your personal sincerity, especially in the way you talk about your own life journey. Though I am not a father, I (and people close to me) have specific people in my life that I need to treat in this kind, intentional way. You managed to affirm your son and his aspirations and gifts, while letting him know your worries for him, and giving him the freedom and space to make a choice that would not just be a reaction to your reaction (a cascade of “reactions” that gives us the illusion of being out of control). These kind of intentional, open, sincere conversations and moments are the best testament to Choice Theory.
Conversations really can make a point in ways that narrative can’t. I enjoy reading stories or books in which the author knows how to write good dialogue. John le Carre is such a writer. And thank you for your kind words regarding this post.