Posts tagged “teaching

WE Want to Feel Good, Pt. 1

We Choose

I recently discovered that May is Mental Health Month, which is cool, although I would like it even better if the other 11 months were mental health months, too. With that in mind, let’s look at the following —

We want to feel good.

The phrase we want to feel good seems too simple and too self-evident to even take a glance at, yet there may be more in these few words than first meets the eye. Rather than dismiss the phrase, I suggest we actually consider it more deeply. To that end, today we begin a four-part series that will explore how we want to feel good, one part of the phrase at a time.

WE .  . want .  . to feel .  . good.

The picture accompanying today’s blog is of one of my shirts. The company I get some of my shirts from includes free monogramming and I decided to place We Choose over the pocket. People frequently ask about the shirt (Do I sell them? No, I don’t.) or about the phrase (What’s that about? or What do we choose?). The shirts have definitely led to good discussions relating to choice theory and internal motivation. When I had the first shirt monogrammed I wrestled with whether I should use I Choose rather than We Choose. I settled on We because I think it is accurate. We are all in this planet earth soup together. We all make choices every day.

It is significant that in this case the concept of We is a principle. It transcends time and place. Whether we live in the mountains of Nepal, the plains of Africa, or in a large city in the United States, we share a desire to feel good. We have in common a motivation to survive, but that is only the beginning; we want to identify our purpose, to be connected to others, to accomplish worthwhile goals, to experience freedom, and darn it, to have some fun in the process.

We is not limited by geography or culture. Different cultures come up with unique ways for people to meet their own needs, but at our human core we are all the same. We strive to have our needs met, to feel connected to others and to achieve success. We is not limited by religious affiliation. Around the globe humans have for millennia come up with ways to connect with deity and express their beliefs. With so many different religions around the world (over 300 in the U.S. alone) it would appear that religion is more about what we want from God than what He wants from us, but whatever the case we share a common urge to act on our religious beliefs.

We is not limited by age. We don’t strive to feel good when we reach a certain age or a certain level of maturity. The process of wanting to feel good begins at birth with every human being. This is why understanding the principles of choice theory is so important for parents and teachers. Acknowledging the needs that children are attempting to satisfy and even helping them to understand their needs and the ways they can fulfill these needs is a huge gift. Creating a needs-satisfying curriculum at school is also hugely significant.

And so, regardless of how old we are, where we live, and what we do, We is us, all of us.

The Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

JesusCalling

A little book, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, has become a part of my morning devotion time. A recent passage in the book encouraged readers to bring to Jesus the sacrifice of their thanksgiving. I did a bit of a double-take. Sacrifice of thanksgiving? How do those words go together? Sure enough, though, the phrase is from the Bible and can be found in Psalms 116:17. “I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving,” writes David (probably sings David), “And will call upon the name of the Lord.”

The passage in Jesus Calling went on to describe how, when we focus on what we don’t have or on situations that displease us, our thinking becomes darkened. We nurture a blaming, complaining, and critical spirit as a way of defending and rationalizing our resentment, hurt, and anger. We deserve to be hurt or offended, we convince ourselves, and go about showing others how hurt we are. Choice theory explains that we choose our misery, and this passage seemed to strongly support that view. In a moody condition it is easy to miss the blessings in which we wallow and to take for granted the good things in life that surround us. It is also easy to obsess on fixing the problem, which is almost always involves the behavior of another person in our lives, usually someone close to us like a spouse or colleague.

As I was reading this, still wondering about the phrase ‘sacrifice of thanksgiving,’ it hit me. When we approach God with thanksgiving, when we maintain a spirit of gratitude, we become willing to let go of what we don’t have. As we remain thankful for what we do have we give up the anger and hurt and frustration over perceived offenses and unfairness. We literally offer to God the sacrifice of our thanksgiving. It isn’t much of a sacrifice when you really think about it. We give up our slights and our bruised egos and our misery and God, in His graciousness, counts it as a sacrifice. He seems to understand how hard it is for us to give up our resentments and worries.

We really do have the choice to be thankful.  White reminds us that “It is within the power of everyone to choose the topics that shall occupy the thoughts and shape the character.” (ED127) We can nurture hurts and resentments, which actually feels good in its own way, or we can nurture gratitude and healing, which feels way better and which strengthens us in the process. Let’s choose gratitude and begin to sacrifice our complaints on the altar of thanksgiving.

See also Romans 8:31; Psalms 118:24; Psalms 23:1

The Life Principles of Reality Therapy

This week has been spring break at PUC, but life has kept moving pretty quickly none the less. One of the things I have been working on this week is the Glasser biography. An editor had been working on the manuscript for over a month, making corrections on grammar and sentence structure, deleting what she felt was unnecessary, and commenting on areas that lacked clarity. I received the edited manuscript last weekend and have been carefully going over the corrections and suggestions since then. I thought she did a very good job. I also thought I was pretty good with the English language, however it is a bit humbling to have your work carefully edited by someone who knows what they are doing. After reviewing her edits I re-wrote sections that she felt needed it, defended anecdotes she felt should be taken out, and re-evaluated some of the ways I characterized certain events and people. Today I sent back to her a copy of the manuscript in which I edited her edits. It is actually a rich process. I think within the next month I will be able to answer the question, “When is your book coming out?”

Going through the entire book in a few days has brought back into the forefront of my thinking a lot of Glasser’s ideas. For instance, there is a table in the book that summarizes the principles of reality therapy, the therapeutic approach for which Glasser became famous. These principles are really quite powerful. Just in case one or two of them have slipped your mind, I list them here –

Principles of Reality Therapy

Positive INVOLVEMENT
PRESENT BEHAVIOR
SELF-EVALUATION
Make a PLAN
COMMITMENT
NO EXCUSES
NO PUNISHMENT
NEVER GIVE UP

Although Glasser did not come at these from an intentionally spiritual perspective I think there is something very Christlike about these principles. While they were initially designed to guide the process between therapist and client, Glasser came to view them as a way of life, a set of guiding principles from which anyone could benefit. In other words, the principles could help a therapist working with a patient, but they could also help a person working through a life challenge on his own.

Positive involvement is about the need for positive relationships based on a warm, caring regard for another person. Whether counselor and client, husband and wife, supervisor and employee, or teacher and student, positive involvement is essential. In my next blog I will share a story from the biography that exemplifies the principle of involvement. The story happened to Glasser on the first day of his first job.

C. S. Lewis, Steve Jobs, Andre Agassi, and William Glasser. Huh?

I recently began reading a new C. S. Lewis biography[1]C. S. Lewis: Eccentric Genius, Reluctant Prophet. The book caught my notice because of its good reviews, but I decided to purchase and read it for basically two reasons – 1) C. S. Lewis is one of my spiritual mentors and I appreciate him a lot, and 2) I am very interested in well-written biographies. A number of Lewis biographies have been written, including by people who knew him personally, but this new book is supposed to be something special. We’ll see. I have read other Lewis biographies – C. S. Lewis (1990) by A. N. Wilson and The Most Reluctant Convert (2002) by David Downing – yet now I have an additional interest in the biography as a writing form. More on that “additional interest” in a moment. I have read other biographies, too, for the same reason. I read the Steve Jobs biography, partly because I was interested in his story, but mostly because I wanted to see how Walter Isaacson, the author, formed the book and wrote about the details. It was a good read, by the way. An even better read is the Andre Agassi autobiography. I bought his book, entitled Open, because it was on sale, little realizing the excellent read it would turn out to be. Again, I was initially interested in how the book was written.

Some of you know why I have an “additional interest” in how effective biographies are written. After Soul Shapers was published in 2005, having already begun interviewing him and researching his journey, I began writing the biography of William Glasser. He has been a significant thought leader in the fields of psychology and education and a prolific author and speaker for five decades. Trying to capture his 50 year career in a book, while accurately and effectively summarizing his progressive ideas, was a challenge. Not being a full-time writer I reached for writing moments between the demands of my day job, that being a college professor, and the needs of family and home. To bring you up to date, though, last summer I completed Glasser’s biography and in December I signed a contract with the Milton Erickson Foundation for them to publish the book. My goal was to write a biography that is interesting, so interesting that even a person not that familiar with William Glasser would want to finish reading the story. Hence, my additional interest. Time will tell whether I pulled it off.

Biographies can be fascinating. Every person, every one of us, has a story. We each are made up of drama, comedy, pain, victory, fear, joy, discouragement, and hope, to name a few of our ingredients. Describing such journeys is the biographer’s challenge. Every person’s story is important and C. S. Lewis was no different. It just so happens that, mostly because of his writing, many of us are interested in his life. We are interested in other things, too, and sometimes these interests can intersect and overlap, as they did for me in chapter two of the Lewis book. The chapter is titled The Ugly Country of England: Schooldays. (Lewis was Irish, which may partly explain the words Ugly and England being in the same title.) Because of my interest in Lewis, and my interest in effective school practices, and my interest in choice theory, the opening paragraph of the chapter caught my attention.

In 1962[2], Francine Smithline—a schoolgirl from New York—wrote to C. S. Lewis, telling him how much she had enjoyed his Narnia books and asking him for information about his own schooldays. In reply, Lewis informed her that he had attended three boarding schools, “of which two were very horrid.” In fact, Lewis continues, he “never hated anything as much, not even the front line trenches in World War I.”

I would like to think that Lewis was exaggerating, but it is possible he wasn’t. One of the schools had a controlling headmaster and such people can indeed be very horrid. Lewis admitted that he was shocked by the school’s brutality and “later dubbed the school “Belsen” after the infamous Nazi concentration camp. For me, I was struck by the potential of schools to be places of lifelong learning and joy, or places of drudgery and compliance. Referring to the latter –

Lewis recalled his education at Wynyard as the forced feeding and rote learning of a “jungle of dates, battles, exports, imports, and the like, forgotten as soon as learned and perfectly useless had they been remembered.”

As an educator (a teacher of teachers, no less) these descriptions jump out at me. I yearn for our future teachers (present teachers would be cool, too) to be a part of creating joyful classrooms where useful learning takes place, places that students will look back to fondly.

I greatly admire and respect C. S. Lewis, and I am interested in the story of Steve Jobs and the development of many of the electronic tools I have come to depend on, and I very much appreciate the candor of Andre Agassi, yet as important as each of these books are, I believe strongly that Glasser’s story is more important than any of them. I say that, not because of my involvement with the story, but because, as the developer of choice theory, Glasser explained the essence of human motivation and drew a map for personal responsibility and happiness. At a time when people are desperate for effective relationships and are craving personal fulfillment, choice theory is one of the best resources for charting a course toward a better tomorrow. (I am starting to sound like a brochure.)

Anyway, the Glasser manuscript is now being edited. There is no date yet for publication. Reading the life journeys of important, famous people can be interesting and even instructive (I certainly want the Glasser story to be instructive), yet these stories, other people’s stories, are not as important as your story. You are the author of your story, a story that is unfolding as we speak. With God’s help, I encourage you to Go For It!


[1] McGrath, A. (2013). C. S. Lewis: Eccentric genius, reluctant prophet. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

[2] Lewis died in 1963, on the same day that J.F.K. was assassinated, Nov. 22.

Why Fulfill Your Own Dreams, When Your Kids Can Do It For You?

As with each of the 7 Worst Mistakes that Good Parents Make, #7–Your kids fulfilling your dreams–is sneaky. A parent can look like he cares about how his child is doing, can come across like he simply yearns for his child to be successful, and that he wants this for the child’s sake, when really he wants it for his own ego needs. Each of the 7 Mistakes has this quality, that being that parents can look like they’re doing what they’re doing for one reason, when in fact they are really doing it for another reason. So, with that brief introduction in mind, let’s consider the last of the Mistakes Good Parents Make through the lens of choice theory.

Why Fulfill Your Own Dreams, When Your Kids Can Do It For You?

Roger Pope is livid as he leaves the school gymnasium and heads to the parking lot. Although his son played in the game that just finished, he wasn’t a starter. And when he was on the court his talents were not really featured as they should have been. Mr. Pope will be confronting the coach tomorrow about that. Peter Bolls is sensing his daughter’s enthusiasm to become a doctor is faltering and he feels his frustration rising. He wants to straighten her thinking out — now! There’s no way she is going to change her major and become a .  .  .  a teacher, of all things. As Marjorie Kent dropped her daughter off at school this morning, and watched her connect with a few of her friends as they all walked up the steps and into the main building, she wondered how popular her daughter was and about how good her grades were compared to others. She seemed to be accepted by the other students and respected by the school staff, but maybe not. Kids could be so fickle. Marjorie decided then and there to have a party at their house this coming weekend and have a lot of the kids over. Couldn’t hurt, she thought. Roger, Peter, and Marjorie all have something in common–their own needs are being met through the achievements and status of their children.

Alfie Kohn wrote about such parents in Only for My Kid, an article published in Kappan in 1998. Kohn cited cases in which schools that were attempting to create a curriculum in which all students could succeed were taken to task by parents whose kids were already successful. These parents actually undermined progressive reform efforts to teach more students effectively. When school officials tried to talk with these parents about specific learning strategies the parents expressed little interest or declined to listen at all. The only thing that mattered to them was that the school program continued to create pedestals on which their own child could stand and that would differentiate him/her from the others. Kohn referred to these parents as BIRG parents, using an acronym I have never forgotten and that seems to capture the essence of #7. BIRG stands for Basking in Reflected Glory. And as much as I want to point a condemning finger at the icky parents in Kohn’s article, the acronym also challenges me to self-evaluate the extent to which I may BIRGing.

BIRG stands for Basking in Reflected Glory.

It is the basic need for power and achievement that fuels a parent’s basking in the glory of his child. If our child is famous–it fulfills our desire for fame; if he or she is talented–others will think their talent came from us; if he or she has their act together–it is a reflection on our superior parenting. Much is at stake in this process. Usually, parent and child can survive this sometimes subtle and sometimes blatant manipulation. Sometimes, though, as depicted in the movie, Dead Poets’ Society, the result can be catastrophic.

BIRGing is really about exploitation. We want to gain an advantage, improve our own reputations, or increase our status through the accomplishments of our son or daughter. Our need for this status drives us to manipulate the behavior of the child whose fame train we are riding. It’s not only parents who BIRG. Teachers and even schools can BIRG, too. We proclaim and advertise our elite students’ skills and successes in the hope that others will want to go to our fantastic school as well. Look how good Megan is as a musician. She goes to our school! Or look at what an athlete Stephan is. He is one of our students! Whether at home or at school, kids pick up on this manipulation and they resent it. They don’t always understand what is going on, especially if they are young children, but they don’t like how it feels.

I don’t want to convey that parents can’t have hopes and dreams for their children, and it doesn’t mean they can’t try to influence their children in the direction of those dreams. The danger lies in parents ignoring or bulldozing the dreams of their children and replacing them with their own. Doing this for our own selfish reasons, so that our personal needs are the priority, only makes it worse. One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to help him or her discover their true identity and enable them to achieve their dreams. It is an unselfish act to do this, a legacy-creating act whose ripples will be felt for generations to come.

One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to help him or her discover their true identity and enable them to achieve their dreams.