The following question was posted in response to The Ship Is Turning, the recent post from Jan. 10. What ideas or insights can you share with Anonymous?
My brother is a social worker who started in education at Lincoln High School. He is now in charge of taking this program to other schools in the district. When talking to him over Christmas, he expressed frustration in dealing with the younger students – 5th and below – that aren’t really self-aware yet. I have expressed this frustration to him before, but it fell on deaf ears until he experienced it himself. We concluded that while we might not be able to get them be self-aware and see the choices they are making, we are planting those seeds and giving them tools and strategies and a mental framework that they can build upon as they become self-aware. I’ve found that some of my 5th graders really struggle to reflect and think about themselves and their choices and actions – in my opinion it is because they are developmentally not “there” yet. Do you have suggestions or resources in helping the younger students in this process? I start with relationship, and continue with relationship, but are there other ways to help the students to think through their thinking and their choices?
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Dear Anonymous,
You have asked a great question, an important question. How soon can children understand the concepts of choice theory and how can adults – both at home and at school – help them understand and practice these concepts?
Glasser used to say that there is nothing about choice theory that a six year old cannot understand. For the last five years I have been closely observing my two grandchildren, now ages 2 and 5, and I can say that I agree with him on this point. I have watched as one of them has an emotional meltdown over a perceived slight or problem – maybe the French toast was pre-cut, rather than allowing them to try and cut it, or maybe the syrup was poured for them, rather than them being allowed to pour it, or something else of a similarly serious nature – and then been impressed as my daughter or my wife patiently teaches them to put their frustration into words. Rather than responding to their seeming unreasonableness with anger or disgust – “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” – their feelings were acknowledged and they were coached toward stating what they wanted. They were beginning to learn the Caring Habit step of negotiating.
If a fifth-grader is struggling with the process of reflecting and making a good choice, I don’t think it is because he is developmentally “not there yet.” I think it has more to do with not having been given a chance to learn and practice the skill sets of self-evaluation, communicating, and being responsible for his own behavior. So what about these skill sets and how can we pass them on?
What You Think Matters
My daughter, who I think is an incredible parent, even though she disagrees (what does she know?), at one time described to me how she wants to come across to her boys – whether they were babies, toddlers, or young children – in a way that conveys her openness to being influenced by them. In other words, she wants them to know that she can learn from them, that she is open to what they think and what they believe. Wow! I thought. Imagine the implications of this way of being on the life of a young child.
Transparently Live Internal Control
There are few things as powerful as living by example. Along these lines, Ellen White wrote that “We must be what we want our students to become.” And more than just silently living the principles of choice theory, we need to explain how we are working through a challenge or what we are thinking as we self-evaluate. When it comes to reading and critical thinking skills, there is a teaching technique called Think Aloud. A teacher doing a Think Aloud will read from a text or reading selection, but will stop and comment on hard to understand passages or evasive vocabulary and literally show students how they process as they read. We assume that students know how to be thoughtful readers, but this often isn’t the case at all. Along the same lines, children will benefit greatly as we Think Aloud about the ideas of choice theory.
Class members demonstrate how puppets can be used to help young children learn about choice theory and process their behavioral choices. (From the summer class at PUC, 2014)
Invite and Nurture Self-Evaluation
Children are used to being told what to do, others planning for them, and others grading them on their performance. Someone decided what they will learn and how they will learn it. We shouldn’t be too surprised if children seem to balk at the idea of responsibility and reflecting on the course of action to take. We have sought to control children, often with the idea of doing what is best for them and protecting them, but it leaves them with no practice at self-evaluating their situation and deciding where to go from there. I think children can be very fast learners when it comes to self-evaluation if we give them chances to do so. Even toddlers can be asked what they think the best solution is. In the school setting, a scoring rubric is an excellent tool to promote self-evaluation. Along with listing the assignment criteria and benchmarks for levels of performance, think about adding to two columns for feedback scores – one for the student to self-evaluate and one for the teacher to make an evaluation as well. When students turn in assignments we need to get in the habit of having them express what they did well or describe how they worked through a difficulty. Invite them to self-evaluate. Get them in the habit of thinking about their own work.
Eliminate Rewards and Punishment
Lastly (for now), create a management plan that is based on prevention, rather than cure; and on problem-solving, rather than punishment. Boundaries and expectations need to be clear, and specific procedures for classroom operation need to be taught and rehearsed. As I have emphasized before, structure is our friend as choice theorists, not an enemy. Children need structure. They just need it to be redemptive and restorative. When misbehavior occurs in the classroom there is no better time to show children how self-evaluation and problem-solving work. Wean students off of being controlled and manipulated by others, to being controlled and governed by themselves.
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We have covered some of these topics in past blogs. I will list some of them below for your convenience. Click on the links for quick access.
Lead Management and Car Washing
25 Ways to Ask Your Kids “How Was School Today?”
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An important resource is Carleen Glasser’s primary grade workbook on the Quality World, which is an easy and fun way to teach young children about choice theory.
You can order the Quality World Workbook from the Glasser Inc. bookstore by clicking on the workbook above.
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Anonymous would love to hear your ideas on how to share choice theory with children. Actually, I would like to hear your ideas, too.
The Better Plan . . 
Of course they can understand choice. And understand consequences of their own choices.
Please let me share my thoughts too. As a developmentlal psychologist I have worked for years to help parents learn and use Choice Theory psychology with their children from infancy on up in my Peaceful Parening Inc work. When parents ask a crying child “What do you want that you are trying to get by crying?” the parent often arrives at the answer. As the child learns language and learns to communicate through words and actions, parents get different and better answers by asking this question. Does the child “know” Choice Theory? Probably not. The child does know what he or she wants and needs if we adults will ask. The first step is to help children (and more importantly the adults in the child’s life) understand that a child’s behavior is NEVER the child’s problem although it is frequently the adults’s problem. A dhild’s behavior is their best attempt to get what they need and want. Our job is to help a child learn how to get what s/he needs and wants responsibly and respectfully.
Here is one example. The other day I was taking care of my very articulate 3-year old grand daughter. She was in the midst of a grand temper tantrum. When I told her that no matter how loudly she screamed, Mommy and Daddy would not hear her because the were too far away. She continued to “pitch her fit” only now at a lower volume. And when se finally calmed down I asked her what she wanted that she was trying to get by crying, yelling and screaming. She told me she wanted Mommy and Daddy to know that she did not want them to leave. When I asked her if she wanted to draw a picture of her upset and desire to share with them later she agreed.
Want more? go to http://www.drnancybuck.com to learn more.
And thanks for letting me share.
I was hoping you would weigh in on this topic.
I very much appreciate your point that “the child’s behavior is never the child’s problem, although it is frequently the adult’s problem.” There is a lot of truth in this statement.
It reminds me of a television program called The Dog Whisperer, where cameras follow Cesar Millan as he responds to pleas from people with problem dogs to come and help them fix the dogs. Almost invariably, as the program proceeds, it becomes clear that the dog is not the problem, but is instead an owner problem. Cesar ends up coaching the owners on how to show up more effectively.
Thanks, too, for reminding people of your website. Hopefully, they will check it out.
Brilliant. I agree, as a K-2 teacher it can happen. We help give them a voice to figuring out their problems via choice theory. It’s just hard work, especially when they have never thought that way before.
Good to hear from you, Sonya! I hope your school year is going well.
I am anonymous, although I actually thought I was signed in and never intended to be anonymous. After reading this blog and responses, I can clarify my frustrations. Some of my students fight choice theory because they don’t want the responsibility it puts on them. Their parents do nearly everything for them and the students like it that way. When I have tried to coax one particular parent to let the child feel the consequences of their actions, they flat out said No, that will ruin their self-esteem. The fight to work with the student on their choices, when they can go home and have no consequences for choices and have their parents do everything for them – that is the battle I’m facing and am weary of. I totally understand why the students behave this way – it works for them.
So, I’ll clarify a little bit. It isn’t a lack of ability to understand and apply Choice Theory. It is that they don’t want to, because on some level they like the way it is at home. I don’t know how to approach that, especially when the parents are so resistant to letting their kids take on responsibility and choices.
Your clarification is important enough that I would love to feature it in an upcoming blog post. The idea of parents and their (some, not all) tendency to rescue their children from natural consequences good topic to consider. I like your straightforward “I am anonymous.”
Can we feature your clarification in an upcoming post? I am afraid your comment will not be seen by enough people.
Yes, that would be fine to do another post. I appreciate the blog and comments so much. Every time I read them, it renews my enthusiasm for presenting these concepts and using them in the classroom. So, despite my frustrations and rantings, all of this has led to renewed efforts on my part 🙂
I can relate to that clarification of the issue so much. I see many parents of young children today seemingly just wanting them to feel good all the time, and doing whatever they can to accomplish that. In the end, it seems to put the child in a position where they’re running the show, which seems short-sighted in terms of the child’s long-term development.
Hi, I have only recently discovered this wonderful blog! I completed my Choice Theory, Lead Management & Reality Therapy training through the William Glasser Institute of Australia back in 2008.
I teach 3-4yr old chln in their Kindergarten year in South Australia and they love working with Choice Theory!!
We often begin at the start of the year with helping each child identify their QW both at home and at kindy and have shared some great displays of their picture, this is a great way of establishing friendships and becoming part of each others QW. The staff also share their QW pictures of pertinent things such as mat/group time…all that is needed to establish great listening at group time is to close my eyes and let the chln know I’m searching for the picture of that day when everyone was listening so well and demonstrating fantastic listening behaviour. They also do this when they are looking for “their best…”.They love the idea of having all their Quality World pictures readily available and I frequently see them “taking pictures(with their imaginary cameras) because this is the best thing I’ve done all day and I want to remember it to tell Dad!”. The age old “Show & Tell takes on a refreshing dimension when we send home a special paper bag for the Quality World items that canbe bought along to share.
I have a beautiful set of hand made large wooden scales that we use when talking about our comparing place.The chln love these hands on teaching tools and even come up to the staff with their arms “Unbalanced” to tell us what need hasn’t been met. This year I began the program with the Parent session so they had an idea of what some of the “new” language that their chln would be using.
The parents loved the Total Behaviour Car – it really hit a chord with them and we have signs next to our bright car pictures on the front window “What car did you drive to kindy today? and “Who drove your car to Kindy this morning? Some days we get more responses from the mums & dads than the chln! I find teaching Choice theory at this young age is relatively easy as they are open to any new learning and parents come on board because they are often in the middle of toddlers growing up and gaining their independence and they welcome all the help they can get .Understanding about Basic Needs is a great comfort to working out family dynamics and using “yes, but..” and “if you choose this…… you are also choosing this consequence” has also been helpful for them.
Thanks for the great sharing…it keeps me thinking and exploring new ways to immerse my young ones in Choice Theory.
So glad you discovered The Better Plan blog. (How did you come across the blog?) Your comments are instructive to all of us wanting practical ideas and examples of how to use the strategies with young children. The new way of doing Show and Tell is just excellent. I also like how you point out that parents of young children are so open to effective parenting ideas. Choice Theory can make such a difference for teachers and parents alike.
I hope you will click on the Follow link and become a regular contributor.