Archive for December, 2012
December 28, 2012 1 Comment

Hey, 2013! I’m makin a change, dagnabit!

More than any other time of the year, New Year’s has us thinking about choices. What follows are some choice theory thoughts as we ring in 2013.

We call them resolutions. When day 365 of 2012 is over we want a new beginning on day 1 of 2013. We know what we want, we know what’s needed, and we make a promise, a commitment. And not just any promise. This is really a promise, dagnabit! In spite of the intensity of their intention, for many their New Year’s promise goes by the wayside and the old habit rushes back in to fill its rightful place. As sincere as we are when we identify a new behavior that we want to become a part of our life, it may be that external control thinking is setting us up for failure.

External control thinking is based on a stimulus-response approach to life. This approach relies on the belief that people can be manipulated through well-placed rewards and punishments. Most of us know this approach pretty well. We were raised with it (often by well-meaning parents), and it was used on us in school. In fact, it seems to be everywhere. Choice theory explains that external control is destructive on so many levels. When used in management external control strategies ultimately reduce the quality of the product being sold, whether the product be a service or a thing. And more importantly, whether it is used in the workplace or at home, external control harms relationships. This seems to be especially true when it comes to the relationship we most value–that being our relationship with our spouse. A therapist once shared with me that over 90% of his clients would rather be right than married. I think it would be even more accurate to say that his clients would rather be in control of their partner than connect with him/her in unconditional acceptance.

Externally controlling behaviors are so destructive to relationships that they are referred to as deadly habits. Examples of deadly habits include criticizing, blaming, threatening, punishing, and bribing. To get others to fulfill our expectations (or even just to gain a slight feeling of control) we rely on these habits. Over time we can become especially good at one or two of these ways of being. It is interesting and sad that so many of us stick with the deadly habit approach, even as we can see that they don’t help us get what we really want. (What we really want is intimacy with our spouse–spiritually, emotionally, and physically.) I guess that little feeling of control we get when we use a deadly habit is worth it to us. Maybe it’s pride, too.

So, what do the deadly habits have to do with our New Year’s resolutions? Just this. For those of us who have marinated in an external control world, we not only apply the deadly habits with our colleagues and loved ones, we apply them to ourselves. We criticize and blame ourselves for eating too much, or not exercising enough, or not praying enough, or watching too much TV. And we bribe, threaten and even punish ourselves when don’t behave accordingly. I am convinced that the deadly habits work no better on ourselves than they do on others. The sincerity of our desire and the intensity of our commitment cannot overrule a foundation built on external control.

The key is understanding that we were designed by our Creator to be internally motivated and controlled, rather than controlled by others or circumstances outside of us. We behave in ways that are need-satisfying to us. Take note here — I didn’t say we behave in ways that are good for us. We behave in a way that satisfies a need. Coming into an understanding of our needs and the ways in which we satisfy them will help in our efforts to make better choices. Berating and bullying ourselves may have some short term success, but ultimately our success lies in understanding our internal control design.

More when New Year’s, Pt. 2 is posted.
December 25, 2012 6 Comments

Christmas and Choice Theory

I have been thinking about Christmas and choice theory and I have come to the conclusion that they are wonderfully connected!

My logic goes like this. Christmas marks the moment that God gave up His riches and glory to become one of us with our weakness and poverty. He entered a literal battlefield, a war zone, as a vulnerable, tiny baby. The Christ Child was the Commander of heaven’s armies, though, and He ultimately came to wreak havoc on the enemy’s schemes. Luke described how the choir that announced the Child’s arrival to the shepherds was actually made up of “the armies of heaven.” Luke 2:13, 14 This incredible display was God’s way of saying Game On. And John declares that “The Son of God came to destroy the works of the devil.” 1 John 3:8

The works of the devil are bad news. Driven by his hatred of God’s Son, the same Child Commander who would eventually arrive in a smelly stable in Bethlehem, he would do everything he could to deface and hurt God’s creation. Having already lured over a third of the angels to distrust God and join him in forming a new government, he focused on convincing us, the crowning work of God’s creative power, to distrust God, too. We chose to believe the devil, to seek a higher place, to go our own way, to align ourselves with the new, alternative government. A void was formed between humans and their Creator and the attributes of the new government–fear and insecurity–rushed in to fill this space. Instead of the self-control with which we were created, the devil took advantage of our allegiance to him and sought to capture us in his trap, to chain us within his dungeon, to addict us in behaviors from which their appeared no escape.

How fortunate for us that when the Commander Child arrived in the humble Bethlehem stable it was in fulfillment of the prophecy of Isaiah. Thirty years later, as Commander Messiah, He would read this prophecy in the synagogue as a declaration of His mission. “I have come to release the captives and set the prisoners free.” Isaiah 61:1 God’s government is based on freedom, on the power to choose, on the ability to be in control of our thinking and behavior. Immanuel-the God with us Child-came to win back our freedom to choose, to level an unfair playing field, to give us back to ourselves.

The manger and the cross were one from the beginning. The Child was born in the shadow of death. Yet by His death we are healed, the shackles are unlocked, the prisons of our lives are opened. Through His Spirit we are free. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind.” 2Tim. 1:7 This freedom, this power to choose, this ability to be who you want to be, is so important to God that He was willing to give up everything to insure its future. It was and is a universal non-negotiable.

Choice theory explains how we are motivated from within for reasons that are uniquely personal to us, and that we choose to behave in a way that we think will best meet our needs at that moment. How incredible that God would create us with this kind of autonomy.! Let Christmas be a reminder of the freedom that God not only created us with, but also of His return to redeem us as Commander Child. Game on at the manger! Game won at the cross! We are free!

Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised as he was. Our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. Romans 6:5-7
December 20, 2012 1 Comment

It’s THE better plan

The phrase “the better plan” did not make it as the title of the book. Soul Shapers took that distinction. The Soul Shapers title was better than The Blindfolded Dolphin, however it could be misleading if a reader thought that it was his/her role to shape the souls of the children in his/her care. During one of our conversations regarding the title one of the Review editors informed me that the subtitle of the book would be A Better Plan for Parents and Educators. I was glad that the phrase “better plan” was going to be on the cover, but wondered aloud why it was going to be printed as “A” better plan, rather than “The” better plan. She explained that “A” made it sounded more open and allowed for their being other good plans, too. Proclaiming it as “The” better plan made it sound like it was THE way and that there weren’t other ways that might be good, too. I replied that the phrase “the better plan” was not my idea. I didn’t come up with that emphasis. I got the idea from the following quote -

“Those who train their pupils to feel that the power lies in themselves to become men and women of honor and usefulness, will be the most permanently successful. Their work may not appear to the best advantage to careless observers, and their labor may not be valued so highly as that of the instructor who holds absolute control, but the after-life of the pupils will show the results of the better plan of education.” Fundamentals of Christian Education, p. 57

In referring to “the better plan” in this blog I have often written it as ” . . . the better plan . . .”, rather than “The Better Plan.” I have surrounded the phrase with ellipses to emphasize that it is a part of something bigger, some important things that come before and something important that comes after. One of the important things that comes before is the idea that our motivation is internally driven, not externally controlled by others. I believe God designed us with freedom to choose and that ultimately He died on the cross to preserve this freedom. Another important thing that comes before is a description of a teacher that prefers control and compliance, rather than guidance and freedom. An important thing that comes after is the reference to “the after-life.” which to me means both the life we lead after we leave school and, most importantly, the life we lead eternally. That this topic has eternal implications makes it really important to me.

I grew up a PK – that is, a preacher”s kid. My dad passed away before Soul Shapers came out in 2005. If he had lived long enough, I think he would have been very pleased at its being published, although the concepts of internal, rather than external, control would have been a stretch for him. His upbringing as a child and the views of his generation, in general, would have led to a steep learning curve with these non-traditional ideas. I don’t know that he always got it right when it came to non-coercive living and leadership. One thing he did get right (and he had many) was his value of and support for Christian education. When it came to “his” church school he talked the talk and walked the walk. He was always involved in a project to raise money for the school. (Many of these were smaller projects, but some were bigger, like the time he planted and harvested 50 acres of sunflowers.) His Education sermons frequently included a reference to what he called an “education blueprint” that, I now assume, could allegedly be found in the Spirit of Prophecy. As I mentioned in Soul Shapers, after 35 years in Adventist education, and after a lot of time spent in the Spirit of Prophecy, I am not aware of a blueprint for SDA education. The phrase . . . the better plan . . . comes the closest to it as far as I know. To me . . . the better plan . . . captures the idea that children (and adults for that matter) are in the process of forming their own characters and as significant adults in their lives we have the privilege of guiding, modeling, inviting, persuading, and inspiring them to form characters that serve others and honor God. And so I have embraced . . . the better plan . . . I like it, in fact, enough to name this blog after it.
December 18, 2012 2 Comments

Soul Shapers vs The Better Plan

On the home page of . . . the better plan . . . blogsite I described how Soul Shapers, published in 2005, “renewed the conversation.” I used the word “renewed” intentionally as a shout out to William Glasser, who re-started the conversation in 1965, and especially to Ellen White, who emphasized the conversation at the turn of the last century. The ideas in Soul Shapers struck many readers as new and radical, but I will be the first to admit that the ideas were around long before I came along.

Getting a book published, especially to newbie writers like myself, is an interesting adventure that involves important details. It is great when a company like the Review & Herald wants to print your manuscript, however when you sign their thick contract you agree to give up the rights to your book and a number of the significant decisions that go with getting the book published. For instance, you give up the right to title the book. They do that. The working title I labeled the manuscript with was The Better Plan, which I thought was the best option of several I had thought of. They started to edit the book and said they would get back to me regarding the title. When they called me several weeks later (I remember that I was waiting for a flight in the Oakland airport terminal when my phone rang) they suggested that the book be called The Blinfolded Dolphin. (You may recall that I share an example on page 33 of Soul Shapers in which I describe one of the demonstrations during the dolphin show at Marine World.) I said “what was that?” I wasn’t sure I heard correctly. Yes, in fact, I had heard correctly. Someone on a committee must have really liked the dolphin story. I responded that I didn’t think it was a very good title, that the dolphin story was a very minor moment in the book, and that it didn’t really represent what the book was trying to express. I could tell the person on the other end was miffed at me, but they said they would think about what I had said.

Soon thereafter they chose the title, Soul Shapers, and a little while after that the first copies, ten to be exact, arrived at my house. I really did like the tone and visual feel of the cover. Designers know what they are doing. I struggle with that kind of thing. A closer look, though, past the tone and visual feel to the actual details of the cover gave me a bit of pause. Along with the Soul Shapers title, which appeared in rich lettering, was a cookie cutter in the shape of a heart. The heart connection was touching, but the sharp metal of the cutter had just one purpose – to force its way into soft dough and make it into a specific shape. When you read Soul Shapers you come to realize how opposite the goals of the book are compared to the role of a cookie cutter. Adults should not be in the business of forcefully shaping children into their preconceived pictures. Instead, adults have an opportunity to model, to guide, to persuade, to inspire, and to invite. By the time I saw the book for the first time, 5,000 copies of it had been published. Very few people have brought the disconnect to my attention, although people quickly agree if I bring it to their attention. The key to remember is that we really aren’t shaping kids souls. Every human being on planet earth is in the process of forming their own character. When we keep that in mind it really does change our roles as teachers, parents, and leaders.

I’ll share one more thought on . . . the better plan . . . in my next blog.
December 16, 2012 No comments

Welcome, Soul Shapers

The book, Soul Shapers: A Better Plan for Teachers and Parents, was published in 2005 and since then has done well as far as books go. The first run of 5,000 copies is almost sold out and I am beginning to plan a follow-up book. Maybe it will be called something creative like Soul Shapers II. The book generated a buzz of interest and discussion. Word of mouth testimonials and recommendations seemed to fuel sales. Principals bought copies for their teachers and quite a few superintendents bought copies for their entire conferences. I traveled around the country a bit and talked to various groups about the facsinating connection between William Glasser, a well known educational theorist and writer, and Ellen White, one of the founders of the Adventist church who wrote a greal deal about education as well. Besides presenting to groups throughout the U.S. and Canada, I was privileged to travel to locations as far away as Thailand to explain the principles of choice theory within a Christian framework. Attendance at the Soul Shaper breakouts at the NAD teachers’ convention in Nashville during the summer of 2012 confimed an on-going interest in the Soul Shaper ideas. As a result I became convinced that some form of communication, a digital clearinghouse for non-coercive leadership, was needed for teachers and parents and anyone else, for that matter, in need of choice theory support.

The Better Plan blog/website is meant to be that digital resource. As I have gone around the country and met teachers and administrators who are inspired by a non-coercive approach I have so much wanted to stay in touch and keep the conversation going. I have stayed in touch with a few, but not nearly enough of you. Even more importantly, I would like this website to allow many of you to share ideas and anecdotes with each other. I plan on inviting several of you to contribute to this blog and to add to the conversation in which we need to engage.

Besides becoming a part of this conversation yourself, I hope you will alert friends and colleagues to The Better Plan’s existence. Let’s increase the energy regarding choice theory and internal motivation.

In my next blog I will explain why this site is titled The Better Plan, rather than Soul Shapers, after the book’s title that started the whole thing.

Have Choose a Good Day!

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